What's harder to remove from an apartment than six spiders?
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︎ Oct 16 2020
I tried to tell a joke about apartments but it fell flat
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︎ Nov 03 2020
Have any of you been to Infront Veggie Apartment?
Itβs the opposite of Outback Steak House.
My 12 year old daughter Ruby made it up so... not exactly a dad joke.
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︎ Nov 22 2020
I found some insects living in my apartment, but they offered me cash if I let them stay.
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︎ Nov 06 2020
Turns out thereβs a group of people who believe the earth is just a rented apartment from galactic British overlords
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︎ Oct 21 2020
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?
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︎ Jun 05 2020
Found this outside my apartment, must be a HALL-epeΓ±o!
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︎ Jun 07 2020
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
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︎ Mar 06 2020
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
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︎ Aug 03 2020
What did the man say when he's was looking for Shakespeare's apartment?
2B or not 2B? That is the question.
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︎ Sep 03 2020
We moved to a second floor apartment with ceiling fans.
I can now say I have fans in high places.
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︎ Jul 28 2020
Every morning when my wife closes the bedroom door in our 1-bedroom apartment I tell her...
Have a great day at work hunny.
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︎ Sep 02 2020
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
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︎ Jul 03 2019
One day I invited a friend of mine over to my apartment.
When he arrived, he saw a lot of decorations related to frogs and asked me why.
I said: "It's because I'm trying to pull a prank on my flatmate. I'm trying to see how long it takes him to realise that our apartment is filled with frogs."
My friend said: "It's a nice prank ngl. Has he been close to finding out you live with apartment full of frog decorations?"
I said: "Not yet but I'm really starting to panic."
He asked me why and I said: "Because this type of prank is not easy. It requires a lot of Kermit-ment"
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︎ Aug 22 2020
I found mushrooms growing from the bathroom ceiling in my NYC apartment (typical) and called my dad to see what I should do about it.
He immediately said, βWell, I wouldnβt eat them.β
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︎ May 29 2020
A lot of people in Paris have very small apartments...
How small? Some are so small they don't even have toilets.
In French, they're known as "Peed a Terre"...
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︎ Jun 30 2020
The police found a dead alpaca in its apartment.
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︎ Jun 05 2020
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
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︎ Nov 05 2019
I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.
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︎ Dec 30 2019
When my uncle died, he left me an apartment building he owned, but I was really nervous about taking it.
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︎ Apr 11 2020
Someone in my apartment building rearranged all the buttons on the elevator.
That was wrong on so many levels.
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︎ Dec 12 2019
I recently misplaced some of my game pieces for Yahtzee, and honestly itβs been hell, so I decided to make some posters to put up around the apartment complex:
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︎ Apr 10 2020
A Nigerian man was found dead last night and authorities found $ 50 000 000 in his apartment...
...apparently he had been trying to give it away for almost 20 years, but nobody would return his emails.
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︎ Feb 20 2020
A buddy of mine only rents his apartments out to nuns.
Guess you could say he has a Sister complex...
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︎ Mar 31 2020
My GF leaves me notes around the apartment...
Today I found this one.
Edit: Wow, thanks for the positive responses. Here are some more notes from her. Thank you reddit, for making my girlfriend famous for a day, she quite enjoyed your comments after a hard day's work :)
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︎ Apr 11 2017
After a lengthy search, I finally found an apartment in my price range where I can have my corgi and my pitbull.
Thank god theres still a-corgi-bull housing out there
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︎ Dec 20 2019
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
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︎ Oct 09 2018
My wife said she found a nice apartment for us, but there was no place to sit down and eat.
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︎ May 14 2019
I was moving and had no room in my apartment for my organ so i gave it to my neighbors...
Does this make me an organ donor?
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︎ Jan 05 2020
I was going to write a joke about people who live in the apartment upstairs.
But thatβs another story.
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︎ May 24 2019
I live in an apartment building, and my neighbour, Nami, on the floor above me, managed to flood my entire apartment! There are practically tidal waves in my kitchen. She refuses to pay for the cleanup, too.
I don't know if this was the right choice, but I decided to tsunami.
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︎ Oct 29 2019
My girlfriend and I were looking at a new apartment today. It seemed nice, but I was disappointed by the lack of furniture in the dining room. "What do you think?" She asked.
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︎ Sep 11 2019
I had a friend who had a difficult problem with the apartment area that he lived in
He had a complex complex complex
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︎ May 28 2019
What kind of person has an apartment complex full of dogs?
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︎ Oct 22 2019
After the earthquake, what did the gangster say when the apartment complex fell on him?
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︎ Sep 20 2019
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
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︎ Jun 27 2019
βHey, did you just move to the 7th floor apartment from your 6th floor one?β
βYes, but thatβs another story.β
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︎ Feb 18 2019
My friend Izzy wanted to furnish her new apartment, so I took her to furniture store owned by 3 carpenters, all named Paul.
Two of them were still apprentices and learning the trade, but the third was a master at the craft and was also my friend. They were currently busy in the workshop working on a set of great wooden letters which spelled "BEAST".
"Is your friend Paul the one working on the misshapen B?" Izzy asked.
"Nope, that's not him.", I replied.
"So is it the one working on the crooked E?"she responded.
"Most certainly not!" I answered. I finally saw him and exclaimed, "On ST is the best Paul, Izzy!"
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︎ Sep 24 2018
What do you call an apartment building where only Mexican men live?
A seΓ±or living facility.
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︎ Jul 30 2019
There are too many mosquitoes in our apartment, so I called the cops.
They said they are sending a swat team.
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︎ Jun 16 2019
I installed a skylight in my apartment....
The people who live above me are FURIOUS!
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︎ May 10 2019
How many insects do you need to rent out an apartment?
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︎ Feb 20 2019
The janitor in my apartment building asked whether I would hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.
I canβt deal with a high maintenance woman.
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︎ Jul 30 2018
Why are they called apartments....?
When they are all joined together ?
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︎ Dec 15 2018
How many ants does it take to fill an entire apartment?
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︎ Sep 29 2019
Why can nine ants rent an apartment for free?
Because there not tenants.
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︎ Jul 05 2019
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