I can amputate grizzly limbs if I want to.
The constitution gives me the right to bear arms.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
One time I got frostbite on my big toe. They were able to save the toe and not amputate...
I just barely stayed out of the "toe-away" zone.
Did you hear about the guy who killed himself cause the doctor had to amputate his toes due to complications with diabetes?
I guess he was also lack toes intolerant.
Double amputations are so expensive
I had one that cost me an arm and a leg
My dog moon got his leg amputated, but that's ok...
He's a got a faux pas now
Did you guys hear about the guy that had the whole left side of his body amputated?
If my brother gets his legs amputated...
Does that make him my half brother?
My mother’s leg was amputated 2 years ago. I wrote this punderful post to make her smile. It was more than successful and also impressed her doctor.
Why was the clock not worried after getting an arm amputation?
Because it had a second hand.
What do you call the man who lives without technology and got amputated to the elbows?
After my uncle had his arm amputated, he named his nub “Saturday.”
He said it was his weak end.
A guy wakes up from surgery. "How'd it go, Doc?" "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg...
The good news is that your other leg is all better."
My friend had both his legs amputated and I get ill when I go near him.
I think that I might be lacktoes intolerant.
My friend amputated his liver. Now he is just O
I just saw a kid in the hospital that got his left arm amputated
“Is he ok?”
“He’s all right.”
What items would you include in an amputation themed gift basket?
I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have:
-fruit by the foot
-Happy Feet
-Footloose
-an Ihop gift card
-pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1)
-Bologna (because his amputation is below knee)
-a card saying congrats on the weight loss
-all put inside of a stocking
What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?
I had to have part of my butt amputated.
Now it's just a semicolon.
I'm planning on starting a discount amputation clinic
I'm gonna call it Half Off For Half Off
My buddy is getting his left arm amputated tomorrow. Don't worry, he'll be all right.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus...
Yesterday I had my right leg amputated
My other leg is all I have left.
I avoid people who have had their feet amputated.
my friend said to post this.
My brother got hit by a truck yesterday, he was sent to the hospital. He got his both arms and legs amputated. He's now my halfbrother.
A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital"
"It used to be a lot bigger."
I almost couldn't live with myself after the first half of both of my feet were amputated...
Dud you hear about the midget who had to have a leg amputated?
He was three feet tall, and one foot short!
It was a sad day...my girlfriend had her foot amputated, so I had to break up with her.
I'm lack toes intolerant...
I was so surprised to learn that there was a such thing as a pet amputation specialist....
Bob got into a horrible accident and had to have his legs amputated below the ankles.
The suffered the agony of de-feet.
I recently went to a fundraiser to buy prosthetics for people with amputated fingers.
It was the third annual Thumb Drive.
Did you know that amputation is the most expensive form of surgery? (x-post from r/Jokes)
I hear it can cost you an arm and a leg.
My dad isn’t usually one full of dad jokes, but he hit me with a great one today.
For context, my dad had a leg amputation a few months back but he’s been in mostly good spirits about it. We were talking about places to eat in our area, and he asked where one of the fast food restaurants was around here, so I said “It’s at the intersection, where the IHOP is.”
Dad replied, “Oh, that’s my favorite place to get breakfast.”
I never got food with my dad at IHOP before so I was confused, but then it dawned on me what he meant. 😐
I can’t bring my new girlfriend home to my parents because she has had her feet amputated.
They are lack-toes intolerant
My Grandpa got his leg amputated
My dad told me he’s a foot shorter.
And I'm not even a dad!
This actually just happened!!!
I was driving my 14yo home, and I was complaining because I recently hurt my shoulder.
Me: Ow, my shoulder is trash
Him: Maybe you'll have to amputate your arm
Me: That wouldn't help because I'd still have a stump to waive around. They'd have to amputate it at the shoulder.
Him: They wouldn't really do that, would they?
Me: Yep
Him: Baloney
Me: No, that would be down here and pointed to my shin
Then he started crying :-) I can die happy now!!!
A man was in a bad car accident and had to have his left arm and left leg amputated...
But don't worry, he's allright now.
I had a partial finger amputation
My boss said ever since I came back from amputation he feels the department's felt a little short handed
I had some bumps on my arm and was going to get it amputated.
The doctor thought it was a little rash.
I heard Tracy Morgan may need to get his leg amputated.
Looks like his standup career is over.
My boss told me that his father has to return to the hospital to have his big toe amputated…
I asked my boss how his father is getting back to the hospital, and if he needs me to call a tow truck.
What did the comedian with a leg amputated at the pelvis tell to the audience?
why are double amputations so expensive?
they cost an arm and a leg
Yesterday I had my right leg amputated
My other leg is all I have left.
Did you hear about the guy that had to have his entire left side amputated?
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