My dad had to have his arm bandaged for an infection.

"You should go all the way and dress up as a mummy."

"I can't be a mummy, I'm a daddy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlamaRama
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2013
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My wife just got a breast reduction surgery done and the doctor slapped a couple pieces of paper across her nipples that had bandage removal tips...

They were post-tit notes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmyb55
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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My daughter asked me to bring her an ace bandage...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coreycarter4288
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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I've always felt safer around woman with bandages.

You could say I was a bit of a mummy's boy.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks. The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!" The man looks at the motionless turtle and says, "Alright - Your on!" "on the count of three" says the bartender. "one" "two" "three!" and he picks up the turtle and throws it across the room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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Gave blood today, and I couldn't believe it! They let me go without bandaging my arm!

https://imgur.com/a/aLnE536

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/santa_fantasma
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
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Did you hear they found a mummy without bandages?

Archeologists think they started the mummification process, but didn't have time to wrap it up.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDiamondJester
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
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I don’t know why the Hulk doesn’t have more bandages. He’s essentially a giant bruce.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spacecadet6966
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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My friend got a paper cut in the chemistry lab and accidentally touched sodium chloride while trying to put on a bandage.

That's like sprinkling salt over your wounds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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I bought some adhesive bandages in Canada.

I got some Band-"eh"ds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kellyjandrews
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2017
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What do you call a Komodo Dragon in bandages?

A wrap-tile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kildrakwolfsbane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
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What do you call a teenager bandage?

Bandolescent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaulyMcBee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
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Fizz-ics
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chh147
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
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[Request] Puns on the name "Ghesh"

There's a player in my Dnd campaign with the name "Ghesh". I'm wanting some adventuring-related puns to annoy with. I've already used "put a bandage on that Ghesh" (playing off of gash) and "Found Gheshing Water" (off gushing). Any other ideas?

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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A cow dog limps into a saloon out West.....

And places a bandaged limb on the bar. He announces, "I am looking for the man who shot my paw!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
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I used to have a bondage fetish

But injured myself, now I have a bandage fetish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slurpmypubes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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I broke my arm just above the elbow.

When I went in to have it fixed, they said they would have to put me under. I woke up with the doctor looking at me with a very concerned and somewhat guilty look on his face. "It seems I have operated on the wrong part," he said. I looked down and my knee was all bandaged up. All I could mutter was "This is not humerus."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2017
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Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: β€œHey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.” The horse replies: β€œWhat, George?”


A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. β€œEvenin’” says the barman, β€œwhy the long face?”


A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: β€œWait you can’t come in here without a tie.”The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: β€œThis alright?” The barman says: β€œHmm, ok… but don’t be starting anything.”


A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: β€œI shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?” β€œWhy, what have you got?” β€œAbout Β£2 and a carrot.”


Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. β€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks The vet replies: β€œOf course you will, and you’ll probably win!”


Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!


A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

β€œI’m sorry, sir,” says the barman. β€œWe don’t serve spirits..


A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. β€œExcuse me, good sir,” the horse says, β€œare you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, β€œSorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. β€œWhy would the circus need a bartender?”


Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.


What did the horse say when it fell? β€œI’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”


Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.


Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!


What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!


What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?


What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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My son had an ingrown toenail treated.

The doctor's office was associated with the local medical college, so there were a couple of med students watching the senior doctor work on my son's toe. He loaded up a syringe with anesthetic and injected in multiple places, explaining that he was doing this to achieve digital blocking (that is, numbing the entire digit, namely the toe).

After it was done they left the nurse to bandage my son up, and he said, "Dad? What did he mean by digital blocking?"

"Well, when you weren't looking he hooked your toe up to a USB port and downloaded some MP3s into it. If you hold your foot close to your ear you can hear "Laaaaa, aaaaa aa aaaaah, close to you.""

The nurse stared at me and turned to my son. "Is he always like this?"

He silently nodded, looking at the floor...

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oldforger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2015
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Surgery

So my dad owns a computer repair company, and he needed surgery for a cyst in his neck today.

He sent me a picture of his head wrapped in bandages when he was on his way home saying "Added in some memory today". To which I responded: "Did they have to RAM it in?".

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2017
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My best friend just made a better dad joke than I could ever hope to...

Firstly, it should be noted that she's a total klutz. She's fallen off her longboard and sprained her ankle(s) multiple times in the past few months. So, I was talking to her earlier today as she was walking to Walgreens to pick up an Ace bandage. When I asked why, she said she twisted her ankle walking home from work. I then said "Damn, your ankles can't catch a break, can they?", to which she replied "Well, I think I'd be in more trouble if they did."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguespectre67
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2016
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Dadjoked my brother for his birthday

My brother turned 16 today, and for a party he invited 5 of his lady friends. One of them have him a set of Disney Princess bandaids. My wife and my brother are both big fans of the movie "Frozen"and my wife had something to say.

Brother: Look at these cool bandages! Wife: But they aren't Frozen bandages. Brother: Well I guess... Me: He can just put them in the freezer.

The entire party just rolled their eyes at me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yoshi_XD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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