19 and 20 fought yesterday. I was rooting for 19, but alas...
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/MakeHellTal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Asked gravity if it would be my wing man last night. Alas, it kept pulling
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/GabrielsCake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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As a cook, I would like my crock-pots to get along, but alas, they will always be Rivals.
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshTay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2016
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Got dadjoked. I thought I won by reversing it back on him, but alas, I am not a dad.

"Hey dude, are you alright?"

'Yeah, why?'

"Well most people are half left"

I was almost beat, and then I shot back 'What happened to the first half?'

For a moment I won. 3 seconds later, with the biggest smile on his face, he says "Oh, its alright"


πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ‘€︎ u/VectorAlpha
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2014
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two!

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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My experiment of cross breeding a hen with a Slinky has failed...

Alas, I've no spring chicken!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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I have a pencil that was owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.

I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

πŸ‘︎ 390
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Today I slipped and fell while walking out to the car.

I was pissed. I was mad. I looked everywhere for the cause. But alas, it was my own asphalt.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/kristhebrown
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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With so much madness in the world today, I'm trying hard to Compose myself...

But I'm going to need a minuet to get a Handel on things, so please Holst on. There's no Haydn from reality, even if I can't stanza much more. I'm guessing the current madness originated in Britten - possibly during the Brahms age. Alas, I'm so Bizet writing my Chopin Liszt I will have to get Bach to you later when I'm Abel to compose my thoughts on how to overcome. GRRRRR.... I keep forgetting to purchase rainbow Schubert and must write that down. I also have to fix my microwave which Baroque earlier today when my son tried to Satie some vegetables. I do wish he would've refrained. Oh, I still have to go to the Barber as well. But, I digress... Once the madness calms down I hope y'all can Ravel in the moment. If you don't understand it, though, that's okay - it's all Grieg to me and I don't want to cause y'all any additional Strauss.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ‘€︎ u/essenceofpotato
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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My kitten was standing on his hind legs and looking around curiously, so I said to my fianceΓ© "He looks like a meerkat...

But alas he is only a mere cat"

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/MainSoftwareBug
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked β€œwhat’s wrong?”

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, β€œyou can talk?”

β€œYes” the well said, β€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”

β€œAlas” the woman said, β€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”

β€œDo not be afraid” the well said, β€œI will take care of this.”

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/ManGood2002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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A limerick I wrote

A man was once offended

By a pun writing contest he entered

He submitted ten

Sure that he would win

But alas no pun in ten did

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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A rope walks into a bar...

he sits down and orders a drink. the bartender says, "I'm sorry. we don't serve ropes at this establishment". The rope shrugs it off and leaves. The next day, the rope thought to himself, maybe it was just the one bartender who was a jerk. I'll go back and try again. He walks into the bar, see's a new bartender, and sits down to order a drink. Alas, this new bartender says, "we don't serve ropes at this bar". The rope is getting pretty heated at this point. He storms out of the bar, ruffles his ends, gets himself all twisted up, marches right back in, and demands a drink. The bartender responds, "aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" the rope responds, "no, I'm a frayed knot"

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ‘€︎ u/1_h473_l337_5p34k
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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One night, a beekeeper was chilling on his couch with some booze.

"Honey, pass me another can of beer!", the beekeeper bellowed.

His wife went to check the fridge for beer but alas, there was none left.

"Dear, our supplies have run dry!"

The beekeeper then replied, "Sweetie, please pass me the honey can."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrayCon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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I found some lettuce stuck in my dog's butt.

Alas, it was only the tip of the iceberg.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/elokwins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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A joke my dad made this weekend at the Alabama/Tennessee football game...

We decided to visit the Paul. W Bryant Museum before the game. The museum is essentially just a building full of the history of Alabama college football including National Championship trophies and all that. I happened to notice that there were lots of Tennessee fans walking around the museum as well which seemed a bit odd to me.

Me: Dad, why are there so many Tennessee fans walking around in here? It seems strange.

Dad: Well son, they want to see what a trophy looks like.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ‘€︎ u/GoTeamJosh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
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The Laughing Hoagie

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluffigt
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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Two blood cells fell in love

...but alas it was all in vein

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kevinvac
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take him on a piss up to Iceland. When asked why he said:

I want to wreck ya vic!

Why should you never let a man go swimming in Finland with weights on his ankles?

Coz He'll sinky

What do people most commonly use toilet paper for in Bandar Seri Begawan?

Their Brunei

Catwoman bet her male counterpart he couldn't pronouce the capitol of Nepal. But cat man do.

Why was the Polish man rubbing his bollocks? Coz they warsaw.

I just came up with a cracking pun for Japan. Alas, all the wife could say was "What Tokyo so long?"

The ex Mrs McCartney got naked in East Germany in the 80s. She was known for years in the area as Bare-lin

Cheap flights to Russia still available! Book now! Everything Moscow!

The people of Bahamas think learning Capitol cities is Nassau important

The people of the Netherlands had a need to build a water driven power station as well as an overabundance of pork products. So they used 'Ams to Dam a river.

A husband and wife in the Phillipines were both very, very unwell. The woman was sick, but the man iller.

What's the average Senegalian's favoured mode of transport? Da car

Have you heard about the talking cat in Somalia that only throws insults? The Moggy Diss you

They are obsessed with John Cleese in Uruguay. They love a video of Fawlty towers almost as much as they love a Montevideo

People from Vietnam Hanoi the hell outta me

Rain storms are very rare in Zambia, but in Zimbabwe they Harera

Before you do a joke about Macedonia, let me Skopje right there

I've heard Swedish Ikea workers get stuff for free, they can just take Stockholm

If you are trying to eat Halal in Pakistan, Islamabad or good choice?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spoghead
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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A classic groaner

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied:

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

πŸ‘︎ 961
πŸ‘€︎ u/hometown45
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2013
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I’ve been trying to think of a nickname for the Land-o-Lakes girl

But alas

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/upinflams
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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So my friend asked me to tell them some puns to try and make them laugh, so I tried ten times...

Alas, no pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/__Shockwave__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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I tried the Atkins diet a few weeks back

Alas it was a fruitless endeavor

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/ironfist221
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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I've started writing my updates for my team's daily meetings in the form of a nineteen-line poem with two rhymes throughout, consisting of five tercets and a quatrain.

Alas, I'm not a very good poet.

In fact, my manager told me he's never seen such a wretched scribe of scrum and villanelle.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Asmor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2017
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Dad-joke'd last night to set the mood.

My wife and I were trying to do-the-do yesterday, but alas, our son woke up from his nap, so my wife had to go take care of him. While she was gone, I schemed up the perfect idea.

When she came back, I was hiding under all the covers on the bed, and when she pulled the covers back I asked:

Hey, you wanna be spies and have under-cover sex?

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ‘€︎ u/massenburger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2014
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At a white elephant gift exchange...

...my dad received some tea from Teavana. He commented how he wanted to glue it to his shirt to make a "tea-shirt."

(Alas, it was eventually stolen.)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/capri1722
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2015
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Did you hear about the radio station that was having a pun contest?

The winner of this contest would receive a brand new Porsche, so a man got down to it and came up with the 10 best puns he could. He submitted the first, the second, and so on till he had entered them all in the contest. Alas none of his puns won the competition, no pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/deutschbag17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2013
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Pizza Geography

I asked an American friend if Hawaiian pizzas are actually popular in Hawaii. Alas, dad was quicker and reminded me that any type of pizza in Hawaii is Hawaiian, obviously.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/bluesdude
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2014
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Two Red Blood Cells Met and Fell In Love

But alas, it was in vein

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kingakomoto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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