Why did the dog not show his mom any affection?

He didn’t have his Licker license

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glen_Davis0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife says I'm more interested in speaking Spanish than showing her affection.

Sounds to me like her confidence has taken hablo.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Did anyone see the news story about the HIV virus mutating to affect citrus plants?

It can cause lemon AIDS.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobskimo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Google Maps: Your route may be affected by winter storm Uri.

I hope you’re not in a Uri.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CecilBlight
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Cats in Communist countries are forced to eat the same thing every day and it affects their health!

Now they all have Mousey Tongue.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomoz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What would happen to all of us if the zombie virus only affected redheads?

Ginger-bite-us

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colorado_kindbudz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How does one’s height affect their sleep?

Taller people sleep longer in bed.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beccah42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
BREAKING :: Lebanese President Michel Aoun states there will be no additional disaster relief funds for those affected by blast.

A real Lebaneezer Scrooge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangerHikes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm closely watching how this contested election affects the volatility of the stock markets.

I call it the "Al Gore Rhythm" method.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickShaw530
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard there is a recall on Caviar, but not all types of fish eggs are affected.

It’s a sturgeon general warning.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mellowconundrum
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
We're all affected by this.
πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ek7a
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t cows be affected by any strong force?

They’re immoovabull.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnnoyingAzathoth
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a disease affecting crows?

CROW-VID-19

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonymous8776
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Oh Dusty.
πŸ‘︎ 39k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/galacticgoosebump
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Ireland's economy isn't being affected as much due to COVID-19...

It would seem that their capital is always Dublin.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinyHandRacoonMan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I just went to get my glasses fixed and you’ll never guess who I ran into when I was there!

That’s right!

.... Everyone.

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kayden_Pauser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Unemployed Pilot (Dad still killing it at 70)

My dad just sent me this (couldn't help but groan, even as a dad myself):

I had a fella in painting and decorating the house for the last three days, I got chatting to him and it turns out he is actually a Ryanair pilot on PUP (Pandemic Unemployment Payment - social welfare in Ireland for those affected by Covid), he is decorating now to try and pay his mortgage, sad times but in fairness he did a great job on the landingπŸ˜¬πŸ‘

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Garbarrage
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Too much can affect your vowel movements!
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ordinarybloke1963
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I was very worried when they discovered Covid in ice cream and topping samples in China.

I instantly thought this could affect Hundreds & Thousands...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
While some say reddit posts don't affect your future, getting reddit gold is really...

Au-spicious.

While this joke is bad, I doubt you've reddit before.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MatrixCthulhu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I read on The News Yesterday that Dyslexia Affects Ten out of Two People!
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Impalaaaa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.

So I sent him a β€œget well soon” card.

EDIT: HOLY my first award! Thankyou stranger!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
How does cocaine affect pigeons?

They fly high

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crunchy_Ramen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A pun or two about magicians and their antics

Person 1: What is your opinion on that one classic pulling the bunny out of the hat trick?

Person 2: I think raises some hare-raising questions.

P1: How so?

P2: It just begs the question of how it affects the rabbits themselves. After all, the magicians were pulling them out without a carrot the world.

P1: You raise at interesting point.

P2: We all know it's because of the secret compartment, you know? And, to minimize the suspiciousness of the hat, the compartment is as small as possible?

P1: Yes

P2: It must be very uncomfurtable to be in that space, and then be grabbed by the ears and raised high in front of a crowd. Like, don't get me wrong, I love magic tricks, but I wand to specify that i honestly feel that this trick in particular is quite inhumane.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirZbear
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do gay horses eat?

hayyy

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KellifosIsland23
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The Ontario Cannabis Store reported a data breach affecting 4,500 customers

They say the police are trying to weed out the culprit.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banksy0726
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
You know what really makes my blood boil?

The vacuum of space.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaCaton
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife always gets mad at me and tells me I have poor sense of direction, and it is really affecting our relationship....

So I packed my things and right.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brescious
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I didn't realize getting a vasectomy would affect my sex life...

But turns out it makes a pretty vas deferens

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tribunal_Power
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
All this stuff about GMO's affecting farmers, but what about tractors? Do you support tractor's rights?
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PyrosEnjoyPieHW2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
🚨︎ report
I heard that during this virus outbreak, we shouldn't use the same faucets as other people.

It's something called social distance sink.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flamenico
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do talks, lectures and jokes on Reddit all have in common?

They are all free speech!

https://www.battleforthenet.com/

Stop the FCC from removing net neutrality!

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caleb7m
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2017
🚨︎ report
My daughter got scared when she had her first period

I told her it was an ovary action.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/milkchaser
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What part of a hippopotamus' brain is most affected by a college education?

The hippocampus.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/csbingel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Why should you walk with your phone every day?

It's a mobile device.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canyounot--
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad literally just came out with this in the car...

I was explaining the interesting L-glucose thing I saw on Reddit t'other day to my diabetic father.

Dad: oh, so it's Spanish glucose then?

He thought it was great.

Edit: TIL I am a neckbeard-Yorkshireman with a Dad who literally bats for 't'other side' - for anyone still in the dark,"t'other" is contraction of "the other" commonly heard in NE England; it is commonly used elsewhere as a lighthearted/bucolic affectation.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squibly_Giblets
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Red Skelton's eye exam

To build up my spirits he said, β€œNow, anything can affect your eye. Most anything. Like I’ve got one patient who lost an eye drinking coffee.”

I said, β€œLost an eye drinking coffee?”

He said, β€œYeah, he forgot to take the spoon out of the cup.”

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/red-skeltons-eye-exam/

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
All these Amazon fires have me worried

I hope 2 day shipping isn’t affected.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djmuhlestein
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my pregnant wife

My wife is going to see a nutritionist to see how her diet can affect the fetus. As she was heading out the door, I said, "Hope your appointment is fruitful!"

She glared as she closed the door.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guywithatie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Have you got a "smart shopper" loyalty card sir?

No, I'm not a smart shopper.

(I do this in front of the soon to be eyerolling wife. My boy still to young to "affect")

(This works where I live since the one grocery chain of stores branded their loyalty card scheme with the name "smart shopper")

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StoolZA
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2017
🚨︎ report
I went to a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning and the woman behind the counter asked, "How would you like your eggs cooked?"

"Does it affect the price?" I asked.

"No, not at all." she replied.

"In that case, I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
🚨︎ report

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