A real Lebaneezer Scrooge.
It's a little room where I can sit and watch movies like The Godfather and Apocalypse Now.
It's a Francis Ford Cupola.
Pho Ton Torpedoes.
(A consequence of reading a front page post about the sale to Taiwan while watching ST:TNG.)
She knew how to carry The One
The answer is always whole-sum
It was good father-son-thyme.
It was an addition edition audition.
Dad: No son, I think you need sum vocabulary lessons.
Because of this, he made a lot of Naan-violence.
I don't get the difference.
So he came up with a plan: he would have his hump removed surgically and run as a horse in the Derby. He went online and finally found a plastic surgeon who would do the operation. And lo and behold, the first time he entered the Derby he won by 20 lengths!
Back in the desert, every time a camel friend would come over, he would boast pompously about his win, talking about nothing else. Pretty soon, his friends stopped coming over. So he has to go to the camel bar to see them.
Upon entering the bar, one of his tired friends says to another, "oh no! Here comes Hump free braggart."
He often found old used shoes in thrift stores and re-soled them.
She wanted my mansion and moor!
Because Adams make up everything!
Without an appendix, how are people going to discover additional and supplementary information about me?
I just want to make a difference.
Drifting down the alphabetised rock section, nothing really appealed to me from A-M. Disappointed, I moved around to the other side of the rack when suddenly I felt uplifted, content and at one with the universe. I had reached Nirvana.
But I'm going to need a minuet to get a Handel on things, so please Holst on. There's no Haydn from reality, even if I can't stanza much more. I'm guessing the current madness originated in Britten - possibly during the Brahms age. Alas, I'm so Bizet writing my Chopin Liszt I will have to get Bach to you later when I'm Abel to compose my thoughts on how to overcome. GRRRRR.... I keep forgetting to purchase rainbow Schubert and must write that down. I also have to fix my microwave which Baroque earlier today when my son tried to Satie some vegetables. I do wish he would've refrained. Oh, I still have to go to the Barber as well. But, I digress... Once the madness calms down I hope y'all can Ravel in the moment. If you don't understand it, though, that's okay - it's all Grieg to me and I don't want to cause y'all any additional Strauss.
They're going to have a bunch of flex seals on their hands.
EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.
( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )
Hey everybody,
The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.
Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.
You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.
That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.
So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.
Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:
- You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
- You have a good sense of humour
- You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
- You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
- You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
- You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
- You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
- Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required
Here's what I am not looking for:
- Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
- An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
- A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say
If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int
... keep reading on reddit ➡It’s pretty high koala tea
a sum bitch
... A bottle of Conditioner Gordon.
She said, "whey!"
It is, after all, the royal wee.
I’ll name it Limited Addition.
"No son, it wouldn't be right."
"Well, at least you could try."
It's easy: it stands out like a Thor Sum.
My brother was remodeling his house and a new bedroom was almost completed except for cleanup of sawdust, caulking, and other random construction leftover bits.
I grabbed a shop vac hose and began cleaning, making sure to point out that it made a pretty good caulk-sucker.
when coincidentally another geologist passes by. These 'gems' catch his eyes. His curiosity becomes anger and he exclaims,
"I just had a few prized finds of my own go missing a few days ago. Where did you get these!?".
The other geologist replies, "Well, that's none of your Bismuth".
Fiance: "I'm feeling a little bit light headed." -proceeds to put head into the hands of my sister as if hands were a scale.
I clapped for about 20 seconds and then gave him a hug.
He was struggling with addition.
A 'hue' man.
Because he might Peek-at-chu.
Optional addition NSFW or kids: And if he gets really excited, he might Squirtle.
Honey, can you give me some sage advice on cutting the turkey? B-I-L addition: We'll give you some tyme.....
A masterpiece
There’s definitely a sigma for sum with a series math addition.
Me: "You mean reduckulous..."
They'll have an additional 1 GB of free space.
This morning my girlfriend was telling me about her new shampoo, that comes without additives and sulfates and all that jazz.
GF: It's called "no poo" shampoo
Me: Sounds like a bit of a sham to me
She didn't get it.
My dad loves to build. Every few years he takes on a new major construction project; an addition on his house, a huge workshop, something. When he goes to buy lumber he always tries to set the salesman up for this doozy:
Dad: "I'm going to need three dozen 2x4s."
Salesman: "Sure. How long do you need them?"
Dad: "I'm going to need them a long time, I'm building an addition on my house."
(Edit: Structure and spelling (thanks DJUrsus)).
In addition, I was charged with a graph aided assault.
Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.
Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, “I bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.
What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.
Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.
The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p
... keep reading on reddit ➡So I had a great chain of old jokes today in my morning meeting.
I started with "I bought a violin from a one armed seller yesterday. He said he played it by ear".
As the meeting progressed, I realized I could chain additional jokes together. 10 minutes later I followed up with it, "That one armed violin seller... he has a sister named Katrina. She's missing a leg so she likes to call herself I-Lean". The room laughed and there were many people who said "that's kinda wrong".
Then I followed up with, "Well she's not as bad off as her dad. The dad's missing two legs. When he goes in the swimming pool, they call him Bob."
And then I finished with, "But he still likes to water ski. When he does, they call him Skip".
It's funny because it all chains together.
It's a new addition.
My dad asked if he could get an additional discount since they are now year old pastries.
Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
After we're done eating, as the waiter/ress came over
Waiter : "Would you like anything else? Coffee, desserts?"
Dad : "No, thanks"
Waiter then brings the bill
Dad : "What are you doing? I said I didn't want anything else"
Cue my dad's laughter (obviously, only him)
:EDIT: My english sucks
I was grabbing dinner with a bud and we were talking about me heading to his place to do car work - I don't know how to change my oil nor have the space so I'm doing it at my buds place. The following conversation ensues after we verify plans to change my oil:
Bud: Oh, hey, do you know how to rotate your tires properly?
Me: I know you have to take them off then switch positions.
Bud: No, you jack the car up then spin them a bit!
Guffaws were had.
sidebar, to properly rotate tires, front tires go on opposite back tires and back tires go straight forward Front left goes back right, back right goes front right, etc.
I think they would make a great addition to my world cups and super bowls.
I would think of one but things just aren't adding up in my head.
Okay there is my terrible attempt , but having a small contest at my office involving being drug free. We are a math department so math involved in the pun would be a huge plus. (See what I did there), thanks guys any suggestions would be a great addition to mine .
I got the all you can eat salad bar and got her some olives.
When I went back, I got her some additional olives.
She looked at them and said "are you trying to olive me to death?"
I replied "yes because olive you very much."
New evidence as been found that in addition to trying to sway public opinion against Tesla's advocacy of alternating current, Edison went so far as to try to criminalize A/C through the courts by claiming public endangerment.
Sounds like he was close to winning, but his own hubris did him in. He tried to assure his victory by attempting to bribe the circuit court judge.
Backstory: I'm a flight instructor, and I was teaching one of my students about the "Area Forecast". We were going through which areas of the country the forecast covered, and in addition to a bunch of states, there's a few lakes, like Lake Superior, Lake Michigan, Lake Huron, etc.
Her: "Why are these lakes included in the forecast?"
Me: "Because they're pretty great."
Additional backstory: I will be a dad of 2 in less than a month.
Years ago, my father and his wife were stuffing whoppers, sour patch kids and other assorted candies into stockings. He turns to her and says in all seriousness, "Did you just fart?"
She says no, of course.
Dad: "That's funny, because I smell a whopper!"
Additional info if necessary - Whoppers are chocolate covered malt balls.
My family is on the mailing list for the National Arbor Day Foundation, so we get begging letters from time to time.
In the most recent one, there was an additional flier that had the phrase "Hurry! You don't want to leave behind all the great benefits of being a member of the Arbor Day Society!"
I was immediately disappointed that they didn't say "You don't want to LEAF behind..." I then got SUPER excited to tell this joke to my wife who was in the other room, so I run in to tell her the joke, but by that point, I was so jazzed about the leaf pun, I completely forgot the rest of the phrase, so all I could babble out was (and this is literally what I said) "Something something LEAF! Something something something," all the while giggling like a madman. I have not heard the end of it.
So my dad was putting an addition onto our house, and I overheard him talking to the contractor. I peeked in to see what was happening, when the contractor pulls out a cross-sectional plan of the addition. Immediately, my dad says, "Whaddup, homeslice?"
Dad: Are you sure you don't want to bring this [additional phone charger]?
Me: Dad, I have so many chargers packed...they're going to think I have weapons of mass conduction!
My cousin is helping me and my family build an addition onto my existing house. Currently, we're working on screwing in drywall to the inside of one of the rooms, which I suck at. He walks into the room as I drive ANOTHER screw too deep into the drywall, and he asks, "Hey man, what're you doing?" I reply "Oh you know, just fucking up drywall," in an unsuccessful attempt to make myself laugh. without even skipping a beat, he said, "You mean you're screwing it up?"
Fuck him. He's a better dad than I ever will be, and he's not even a dad yet.
Backstory: We live near a place that makes amazing pulled pork sandwiches. In addition, to having an amazing sandwiches they have a really cool cashier named Diego who we built up a friendly relationship with. Unfortunately, we haven't gone to this sandwich place a while and during this lull Diego left his job.
Me: We really need to get a pulled pork sandwich one of these days.
Fiancee: I don't know. I just wouldn't be the same without Diego there.
Me: So what you're saying is you wouldn't go... Sans Diego?
We don't live in San Diego or anything but we do live in Southern California and I thought it was hilarious.
I work in the claims department at a life insurance company. A recent addition to our department mentioned that she had an insured who died from a bowel obstruction. I couldn't help but say: "Sounds like a real shitty way to go..."
My grandparents on my dad's side would always have my brother and I over for Christmas when we were younger (around when I was 5-10 and my brother was 9-14). They always had a little tree in addition to their big one. The small tree had a bunch of those stereotypical ornaments (round, plain, solid color) in a bunch of different colors. My brother and I would always have fun counting the number of a specific color of ornament separately, then comparing our answers. However, every time we would, we would get different answers, so we'd recount, then get different answers again!
Anyway, just this last year (me being 18, my brother being 22), we reminded our grandfather of this. He laughed, said he remembered it, then said "well, why don't you count up the red ones again, see what you get? I'll tell you if you're right."
We agreed, and got to it. We each counted 3 times separately, then compared, then decided to average them. We got around 24 for the red ones, so went to tell our grandpa. After saying we weren't sure, we asked how many there were. He laughed and said "Darn, I don't know! I was hoping you guys could get a number so I wouldn't have to!"
Not that funny when retold, but it was hilarious then
A few years ago, my dad and I were building an addition onto his house. He rented a tool from the hardware store and had to return it, so he asked me to come with him and we would get some breakfast. There was a Burger King nearby, so we decided to stop there to eat.
When we go to the drive-through, we realize the restaurant was closed down, so he drove around the building to get back on the highway. As we were passing the dumpsters, he stopped the car, backed it up, and pointed towards the ground near the dumpster. I looked for a few seconds, trying to see what he was pointing at.
Then... I saw it.
It was a giant, 12+ inch black dildo, standing upright next to the dumpster. It propped itself up on its fake dildo balls, gently swaying in the breeze.
I was astonished. I couldn't even imagine what events in the universe had to line-up so as to end up with that giant dildo meticulously placed next to the dumpster at a closed-down Burger King. I couldn't even begin to fathom why it was there.
My dad, with perfect timing, then shouted "GAY TIMES WILL BE HAD TONIGHT!" and sped out of the parking lot.
We ended up going to Denny's.
You can get an app on your iPhone/iPad that acts as a remote control to Apple TV. Using this, I have convinced my kids that you can control the Apple TV by thought alone. They practice by yelling out commands to the TV which I then do from another room.
In addition to that, I sometimes pause shows, fast forward, rewind, skip tracks, etc., at random times. I have the kids convinced that the other one must have accidentally thought something a bit too loudly. They fight over it while I sit the other room, silently laughing myself to death.
I was working at a hotel during the summer when it was raining pretty hard. An older guy came in and asked if animals could stay in their room. I said yes but it had an additional fee when he replied with "Well, it's raining cats and dogs!" Made my night.
Every time he'd mention "moment of inertia", he'd say "it is an additive quantity—not addictive". He's said it well over twenty times but we somehow still laugh.
We hosted thanksgiving dinner for the first time in our apartment and invited our (German) neighbors over in addition to my (American) parents. He way through dinner, it became clear that my dad didn't catch our neighbors' names, so we reintroduced them. "... And this is Sina." (pronounced like Xena) "I know I've Sina, I want to know her name!"
I don't get the difference.
