I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 236
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.

He started pointing them out to me.

"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."

++++++++++++++++++

I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.

I like it. I'm proud of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project you’re working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!

Multi-level marketing

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Limited release Harry Potter title
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ddh85
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
🚨︎ report
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A man walked into Starbucks and asked what the limited time drink was,

The worker responded β€œit’s our special tea”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bustinbeats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
You’re the world’s greatest dad although my frame of reference is pretty limited.

Happy Father’s Day fellow dads!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jangooni
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad Jokes aren't limited to dads it seems. 20 year old female knocking one out...
πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_majorly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad Jokes aren't limited to just dads it would seem.

http://i.imgur.com/YJcRvei.png

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rappican
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
🚨︎ report
The sky’s the limit
πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toe-knail
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the hardware store with a friend and the store had pallets of soil, seed, and fertilizer out front. We both stopped and looked at one of the pallets stacked high with bags of dried steer manure. The sign said, "Strict limit 2 per customer."

My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."

True story.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObiWanKaDaddy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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At least he won't turn over in his grave.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainbowarriorhere
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I've had it with speed limits...

I'm putting my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.

It's half empty.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S0n0fRuss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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My sister didn't get my pun
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hannahbeliever
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I stopped walking on coal to limit my carbon footprint
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dutch_Midget
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Winnie the Poop (not a traditional dad joke)

This is not a traditional /r/dadjokes with a delivery and a punchline.

I just wanted all dad's, with kids around 2-6, to know that changing the name of Winnie the Pooh to Winnie the Poop will generate maniacal laughter from your kids. Especially if you combine it with singing the theme song from the movie.

As an added bonus, there is no statute of limitations on when you add the extra P. You can say: Winnie the Poop Winnie the Pooh...P Or Winnie the Pooh...... ...... .... P And your kids will laugh just as hard.

I've gone a full minute without saying the last P, while my kids hang on my every facial movement.

Enjoy

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elChardo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lycanthrope who knows their limits?

Aware wolf.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"

Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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I could've been an astronaut

But my parents told me the sky's the limit

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ducks_Revenge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.

Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acromantulus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

It was hard to differentiate between them.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Congress just passed legislation limiting the number of hats an individual may own.

They put a cap on it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
USA's border wall is a

statue

of limitations

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dym_sh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Officer: "Don't you know the speed limit is 65 miles per hour?"

Me: "Yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit

This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Are short puns off limit?
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/C0deNerd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
As a child, I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents didn't allow it.

They said the sky is the limit.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrPantaleon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Christmas warning

A warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the police are out there checking on people. Tonight, I was at a friend's house for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many Jack Daniels and then went onto the Bailey's. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at my friend's house, and took the bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint at the top of the road where they were pulling over cars and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was on the bus, they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from...

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanilakodey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Math pun.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DSpeed4s
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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Did you know there is a limit of 239 beans in a can of beans?

Adding 1 more would make it 2 farty

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deebo305
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, β€œThe Sky’s the Limit!”

He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Just witnessed a septic cleaning truck use the left lane for a right turn, using no signal, and then proceeded to drive 10 miles under the speed limit...

Turns out he was a shit driver..

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluecaddy5000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I've invented a game where avocados appear randomly and you have to smash as many as possible within the time limit

I'm calling it Guac-a-Mole

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sup3rjaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I didn't think my anatomy teacher would push me to the limit.

He sure showed me what I was made of.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my glasses

I can still drink from the bottle

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm bad at math. I love it, but I know my limits.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahhvin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, they told "The Skies the limit!" - Jokes on them.

I'm an astronaut.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phlux
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Mama Frog was really struggling with her youngest, Little Hop. He couldn’t seem to sit still!

That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.

You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.

Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..

And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, β€œIf you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”

Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.

Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.

And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!

And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..

β€œI toad you so.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte. Then, everything crashed.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad always used to say, "The sky's the limit!"

Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2017
🚨︎ report
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Edits: Thanks for all the awards!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deant_b01
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with very limited memory. Just 1 byte and everything crashed!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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