All these people moaning about Covid restrictions...

They need to get out more.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.

Because they have immunity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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Due to all the COVID restrictions this year, a maximum of only 6 of the 7 dwarves could meet up

None of them were Happy :-(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshually
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Apparently a town in South Wales is having greater lockdown restrictions imposed on it....

.....and it wouldn't have happened if people there had done things more Caerphilly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCL80
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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With summer almost here ond COVID-19 putting restrictions everywhere, please remember that you can't run through a campground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dabiker68
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:

β€œA disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for vodka, decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for vodka.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OtsuKotsu
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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How did mathematicians get around restrictions of prohibition?

They drank their root beer out of square cups!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArisThotHole
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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The all you can eat seafood buffet had restrictions I didn’t know about :/

I should have read the crab clause

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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Atheists are just people without deitary restrictions.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lostinservice
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2015
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What's the difference between a restriction and a line of people waiting to stroke my cat?

One's a curfew

The other's a fur queue

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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I’ve decided to stop doing hot yoga due to dietary restrictions...

I’ve switched to frozen yoga

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GingerManBearPig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
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I quit my diet with a lot of restrictions.

Now I paradoxically have less on my plate

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πŸ‘€︎ u/player_owkay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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Why did the writer go into a restricted area?

Because she’s an authorized person

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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Cardboard cut out puns

Fathers day dinner tonight for my dad and my sister and family can't be there because of travel restrictions. I've organised life size cardboard cut outs of them and had my sister record a few dad jokes/puns. But I need help coming up with more ... the best, worst and cringiest are all welcome!

So far I have..
"I'm feeling a little flat"

"I'm board ... cardboard"

"You'd think my ears are painted on, You'll have to speak up"

"Can you believe someone told me I had the personality of cardboard"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeishaJane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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How to make a dad joke monument

Step 1: build a huge water restricting wall Step 2: call it the "i don't give a"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ichhalt159753
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is ok

it's what it's

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wawoodworth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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My grandad always said: "When one door closes, another one opens"...

...Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

πŸ“· Removed - Punchline in title

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrGonzoDog
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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My dad just texted me this:

During this time of a quarantine, please restrict your jokes to "inside" jokes only.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sprout1319
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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Just got my wife at the Target

So I just had surgery and one of my restrictions is that I can't lift anything heavier than 20 lbs. Was at the Target today with the wife to return a lamp that she had purchased but then decided she didn't like. She parked the SUV and I opened the back to carry the lamp on the store. She said "What are you doing? You aren't supposed to lift anything!" I replied, "But it's light!"

Got the triple whammy. The groan, eye roll, and disgusted walk away from me and into the store. Had to carry the lamp, but it was worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charles_Foxtrot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2015
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Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

If it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoxyGramps
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2017
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Elevator gem I found today reddit.com/r/mildlyintere…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pieceofcheese87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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Dad said this at a Japanese restaurant a few nights ago

So my family and I were out to dinner a few nights ago and I was talking about how in Japan the restrictions on Kobe beef are different from the rest of the world, so when you order it in many restaurants you're not actually eating Kobe beef. My dad's response to this was that it wasn't actually "Kobe beef" but "LeBron beef".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canucksoul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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Our table in the foyer used to have a dolphin statue on it

Dad: in case you're missing some sunglasses, I found some in my car after you borrowed it. Me: thanks! Dad: I'll leave them on the "dolphin" table... Dolphin not included. Certain other restrictions may apply, etc.

I love my dad. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/delsol10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2014
🚨︎ report

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