Carrie underwood
you'll have a sarcasm
You have to stay one step ahead of the rest
A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club
Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
So after half an hour of trying to shave with an old razor, I walk out of the bathroom and say to my boyfriend "Honey, remind me to get a new razor, this one's blunt." and he replies "Well, I don't think one that beats around the bush would be much use either."
Groans ensued.
While at the hospital, a nurse walked into my grandfather's room for a routine checkup. This exchange happened during their conversation:
Nurse: "Have you felt any fluttering in your chest?" Grandfather: "Only since you walked in!"
My grandfather was always quick to the draw, and I'll miss him dearly.
Last week, my grandmother got minor surgery on her eye. When my dad saw her come out with the dressing over her eye he nudged me and said 'Look! Nana got an ipad!'.
He then went up to her and says,'How'd the surgery go Patsy? Or is it Patchy now?'.
I totally laughed my ass off!
Sorry to dampun your spirits
Baba: What day is it?
Me: I think it's Tuesday...
Baba: (giggles to himself for a good 15 seconds) No, Hanaa.... I think it's THREES-DAY!!!
(repeats joke indefinitely)
Cooking with my dad while my golden retriever sits in the middle of the kitchen watching... Dad tells dog to get out of the kitchen, and I say "Ah, he's just here for moral support." Without missing a beat, dad responds, "More like morsel support." Heh.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
My contrary Aunt Margaret drowned recently. They found her upstream.
