Whenever a book publisher refuses to accept my hand-delivered unsolicited autobiography, I usually just squeeze it as hard as I can with my thighs...
so that it's easier to walk away with my tale between my legs.
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
I havent read a book in ages. So i decided to start with a book of how clocks work.
For years I was searching for a book with all kind of maps.
The author of Webster's dictionary committed suicide with the book he wrote.
At least he died on his own terms.
I’m representing a man in court today charged with tippexing all the full stops out of books.
I’m expecting a long sentence
Over quarantine I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
I’m going to write a book about how to make people agree with you.
Its going to be called The Brible.
I recently received a book with “do not read until the year 2030” written on the cover
But that’s a story for another time
I have a feeling that there is something wrong with my Braille book.
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Why didn’t the man book an appointment with the doctor who said she only accepts patients with personal gifts?
I’m thinking of ending my book with God sending a letter to the main character.
A Deus Fax Machina, if you will.
What do you call a recipe book with only drinks?
Do you see the video of Sean Connery on Zoom with the books falling on him?
He said " Sho Shorry, only got myshelf to blame "
Got bored with my usual beverages so I instead tried soaking a book in hot water.
It wasn't great, but at least it was a novel tea.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
Careful with that book son
Someone hit me with a Stephen King book.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a man with a book?
He was sentenced to death
I was looking through a book about Big Cats with my son...
Pointing to one with spots I asked, "What's this one?"
"A leopard!" He replied.
"No, it's a cheetah actually. Ypu can tell because the black marks by its eyes make it look like it's crying. Do you know why it was crying?" I asked.
"..."
"Because cheetahs never win!"
Did you hear about the guy that robbed the library for every book they had? When questioned on how he did it he told authorities he basically talked the librarian into letting him. So i guess you could say he got a way with words.
MRW I see someone give a person with Parkinson’s a colouring book.
Nathan Fillion is coming out with a new cook books based on recipes his character from Firefly would cook...
It’s called Mal-Nutrition
I had a book with a bunch of political jokes in it
But I can't remember where I leftist.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with The Jungle Book?
I became invisible today and tried to book an appointment with my doctor
Unfortunately he said that he couldn't see me.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
I found a picture of a dark basalt rock inscribed with a runic "w" in my book.
That's a wyn-whin in my book.
I hope to get buried together with a book
So that I’ll get book worms
You don't get burned sunbathing with a book
What do you call a place with lots of books but no truth?
I wrote a tell all book about all of the celebrity women I've slept with..
.. it never got published though.. apparently there were too many holes in my story.
How many books are there based on an evil government with thought police?
Estimates put it anywhere from 451 to 1984.
Got my dad today with one of the oldest Dadjokes in the book.
My parents got me a vacuum for Christmas. I got it out of the box today and tried it out while they were getting groceries.
My dad comes home and sees the vacuum sitting out and asked if it worked alright.
"It really sucks!"
He looked worried for a second and I just started laughing. He finally caught on and he let out a groan.
One of the oldest ones in the book, but I was proud of it.
What do you get when you cross a motorcycle with a joke book?
I'm thinking of making a book about pranks with salt and pepper
I'm gonna name it "Seasonal Pranking."
Last night I slept with a book...
https://imgur.com/a/RjXK9
Talking with pops about books, fell right into this one.
"One of the most complex books I've ever read was 'Under a Bridge with Dick and Harry.' You've probably heard of it. It started out with aardvark and I only got to....ummm... Nanotubes? Or was it nanometer? Anyway that's when I realized I was actually reading 'Unabridged Dictionary.'"
What do you call a recipe book with only drinks?
I have a weird feeling that there’s something wrong with my Braille book.
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Got bored with my usual beverages so I instead tried soaking a book in hot water
It wasn't great, but it was at least a novel tea.
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