Wells, Maine Puns

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

There was a shooting at the party yesterday. Thankfully, there were no casualties. Well, that's mainly because it was a formal party, so people were only wearing seriousties.

We were at an antique tractor show at a farm museum (Yes, we live in Maine) and my wife looks over at a table with 2 woman judging the tractor pull.

"That woman in the pink shirt works at the Walmart pharmacy."

So I follow up with

"Well, I guess she has a thing for FARMS."

Wife gave me a look of "Well yeah..." followed by disgust once she realized I meant Farms and Pharms.

I am currently working at an art camp for kids in elementary school. It's mainly girls and they all love frozen. When they behave well do their work we put on music. Today I gave in and tried to put on the sound track but the computer froze so I said "it's frozen... Literally." No laughter and lots of whining. Asked one of my coworkers what to do and he said just leave it alone and don't worry about it. To which I replied "so I should just let it go?." I received a slow clap from my coworkers.

We're talking about that poor guy who passed on after accidentally lighting fireworks attached to his head on the 4th.

My wife: "I mean, what do you even say that guy's funeral?"

Me: "Well, at least he went out with a bang."

(This is a true story.)

Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.

We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.

Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.

This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.

We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".

P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.

No jokes here, just a request for some help/clever words. (admin - delete if you're looking just for jokes).

My 12yo son has decided to do a school speech on dad jokes! He is attempting to categorise different types (in a comedic way if possible), Herding cats is easier.

As a Dad my joke are funny (mainly just to me) and off the cuff (so no use in a planned setting); I am requesting some help from those dads more wordy than myself; looking to impart sage words.

Any help will be appreciated and if the speech goes well i will post it.

thanks in advance

Wife: Why do I feel so old?

Me: You're not that old. Why do you feel so old?

Wife: It's mainly my feet, they hurt.

Me: Well, you know why that is right?

Wife: Why?

Me: You must have "old soles"

Cue groaning, eye rolling, and her typical exclaimation that she hates puns.

Uncle: It says take the main road. Which one's the main road?

Cousin: Dad, I think they're all Maine roads.

Uncle: I've taught you well, son.

A buddy of mine and I went golfing the other day, and while we both were doing fairly well on the main stretch, his approach when using his 9 iron was always awful. I felt bad for him, so the next time we went golfing, I brought him some pills I thought would, give him some "help".

"What're these for?" he asked.

I replied, "for your Iron deficiency!"

There is a world where everyone is a cheerio and there are 4 main ranks. There is the plain cheerio then the chocolate cheerio then then the rainbow cheerio and then finally King cheerio himself. In this world there is a man called Steve, Steve was a plain cheerio working at a Mc. donalds. He found working there very boring, so he saved up enough money to get a surgery to become a chocolate cheerio. And so he got the surgery and now he was able to be manager at the Mc. Donalds he was working at. However he still didn't feel as if this was enough so he saved up enough money to get another surgery to become a rainbow cheerio. Now that he was a rainbow cheerio he owned Mc. Donalds itself. As a celebration king cheerio hosted a party at his mansion for Steve's new job. During the party Steve got a chance to speak with the King and he asked him how it was to be a the king, but the king replied that it was extremely exhausting to be the king. So Steve decided that he didn't want to be king. After his conversation he felt thirst so headed over to the drinks building. On the first floor he new he could get bear which he wanted, but as he arrived he noticed that the line was too big. So Steve went up to the next floor where there was wine, but again the line was too big. On the third floor there was Coke, but just like the other floors the line was too big. He also new that on the 5th floor there was milk which was his favourite. So he thought that might as well skip the 4th floor to get milk. But he changed his mind has he walked by the 4th floor as he saw the sign that they where serving punch and as he realised there wasn't any punchline.

A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.

Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.

Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"

The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."

"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"

"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"

The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"

[Insert a dad-length pause here.]

"...Rustlin'."

He walks up to the teller. Her nametag says "Patricia Wak". He says, "Hey there, Patty, I'd like a loan." She replies, "Okay, for how much?"

"Ten dollars."

"I'm sorry, but I can't authorize that."

"Really? Well, what if I give you this?"

He hands her a clam with a top hat and googly eyes.

"Um... What is this?"

"Alright, alright. What if I told you my dad was Mick Jagger?"

"I can't give you a 10 dollar loan, it's simply against policy."

"Alright, I'll tell you what. Go talk to your manager, and bring the clam with you. He'll let you give me a loan."

Patricia walks into the back office and tells the manager the story. He immediately says "Alright, give him the loan."

"I'm sorry, but why this time?"

"Well (picking up the clam), it's mainly because of this, and also because of his dad."

"What is it exactly?"

"It's a knick knack, Patty Wak, give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!"

My dad's favourite.

There was a little boy who absolutely loved tractors, so for his 3rd birthday, his father bought him a little toy one. The boy thought this was the best toy he had ever gotten, and ignored all his other gifts to focus on the tractor, pushing it around the lounge whenever he got the chance, making tractor noises etc.

As the boy grows a little bit older, he comes to his 10th birthday, when his dad says "Alright son, you're a little older now, so here you go" before giving him a push-along ride-on tractor for their backyard. The boy thinks this is even better than his now quite old toy tractor, and is taking days off school and everything just to ride around the house and neighbourhood on his push-along tractor.

He gets a little older again, and lo and behold, it's now his 18th birthday. His dad comes up to him during the party and says "Ok son, you're a man now, so here you go" before unveiling a fully functional tractor for his son. "Wow, thanks Dad, this is amazing!" says the son, before taking it for a quick test drive. The tractor becomes his main transport, as he goes to the grocery store and just generally cruises in his brand new tractor.

He decides to take the tractor on it's first proper outing, and goes into the middle of nowhere, with no cell service or house to be seen for miles, and the tractor of course breaks down. It takes him a while to get in touch with AAA and his Dad to come and help him out, so he decides after that experience that maybe it would be a better idea to invest in a car than a tractor after all.

Lo and behold, a few years later, the now adult son is driving down the same road in his new car, although there's now a house there that is engulfed in flames! A lady comes out, screaming "Help! Help! Call 911, my baby is trapped inside!" The man simply stops and says "It's ok, mam, I've got this." He takes in a massive gulp of air, and the entire fire just disappears! The lady says "Wow, that's amazing! How did you do that?!" before the man responds with "Well, you see mam, I'm an ex tractor fan."

We are watching a dumb hallmark Christmas movie and the main guy owns a coffee shop. He is getting married and I make fun of the fact that his vows are all coffee puns.

So my girl yells, "well, he is a coffee person!"

Me- "no babe, he is just a human person."

(Her laugh was really a slight chuckle and a "you're so dumb", but dammit, I am taking the win!)

When I was about 15, I asked my parents if I could see "The Matrix." At that time, if I asked to see an R-rated movie, the rule was we waited till it came to video (yes, at the time it was videotapes) and my parents would watch it first without me to decide if they were comfortable with me watching it.

They watched it, and the next day, my dad asked me what I thought The Matrix was- I said it was some kind of group of cops or something that could do cool aerial fighting moves.

He said, "Unfortunately, no one can be told what The Matrix is... You have to see it for yourself."

For those who are unfamiliar, this is exactly the line used by one of the main characters when he introduces the concept of The Matrix.

No one? Just me? I thought it was funny. Oh well.

Picture this.

A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.

My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.

This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."

My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"

Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"

My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"

I've never been more proud of him.

Wife: "Why is there so much traffic right now?" Me: "Well, mainly it's due to all of the cars on the road."

Was explaining Infamous to dad and mentioned the main character went to Seattle. I finished explaining the story and he replies: "Oh good ! They all lived happily ever after! Now whos Attle anyway?" "What do you mean?" I replied "Well the main character went to See Attle you said!" He shone with pride.

Yesterday I was watching a film with the family, with a scene where the main character was driving towards the camera for a while. My Mum said "Ooh, do you know how they film those scenes?"

My Dad and I simultaneously turned to her and said "with a camera".

The pride in his face almost made me well up.

So, my GF was watching True Blood. I had donated platelets today, which I do every month. The following exchange ensued:

Me: "I wonder do vampires like platelets?"

GF: "They probably consider it one of their main food groups. Like we would view amino acids."

Me: "You're a meano!" (she has to endure lot of shite like this."

GF: "Well you're acidic!"

Me: "What are you basing this on?"

GF: groan

So, workers at our office occasionally have their packages shipped to our work place. I think it's so that they have someone to sign off on them, or for security reasons. Either way, there were a couple IKEA packages dropped off today, and one of the admins wrote:

"We received 2 large IKEA boxes today. They do not have name on them. They are in the main hall near the front entry. Please pick up at your convenience. Please let me know who they belong to."

to which I replied all (bold, I know):

"Well I have no... IKEA."

(i'm only 24, going on 25. with no plan of kids for years, but i hope i did you guys proud)

Whilst I really enjoy Dad jokes (why else would I be subscribed here) I cannot endorse this one at all, but every year or two Dad will break this one out at family gatherings, weddings and funerals.

A man was recently fired from his job and needed somewhere to make some money. Fortunately a circus was in town, so he went along to see if they had any vacancies.

When he walked onto the site he saw the main tent and walked in. The ringmaster came up to him and asked what he wanted.

"Can I have a job please?" said the man.

"Well what can you do?" replied the ringmaster.

The man thought about it for a bit before he knew what he was going to do. When it came to him he didn't say another word, but he brought his arms in like this (Dad proceeds to demonstrate by bringing his hand up to his armpits making wings) and started to flap his arms (Oh look, Dad's flapping his arms too).

Not much was happening at first, but slowly you could see his feet rise, ever so slowly off the ground. Eventually the man is a few meters off the ground, flapping his arms, but that's just the beginning.

He then flies to the top of the tent and starts speeding up, flying laps around the tent. He's showing off now, doing loop de loops and diving down. Eventually he feels he's shown his worth and lowers himself down to the ground.

He looks at the ringmaster and says "Well, what do you think?"

The ringmaster looks back and says "Is that all you can do?" (Long pause) "Bird Impressions?"

A week ago I just purchased a condo. After closing my parents met me at the empty condo, and we had lunch. While waiting for the locksmith to rekey the locks, we moved in a patio loveseat and 1 camping chair, and put them temporarily in the main room for us to sit. Everything else would be moved in the next day.

Locksmith comes, and while he is working on the back door we sit down. My dad turns to me and says "You've got enough money to pay the locksmith." The locksmith pauses and looks at me as I say "Yes". Dad then says:

"I'm proud of you for being able to get this place. And don't worry, I'm sure one day you'll be able to afford furniture."

The locksmith looks uncomfortable and moves to a different door. My dad then just starts laughing uncontrollably. I just stare at him in shock, it was so well delivered. And hey! The locksmith gave me a discount as he felt sorry for me.