I don' know wha' a "diya" is but they mus' be good...

..'cause this lady at Taco Bell asked for a case o' them, a case o' diya.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quisenburg
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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Wife: that's a weird place for an Outback Steakhouse

Me: I know, right? Usually it's behind something.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmart914
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2022
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What do you call a podiatrist with a foot fetish?

Really good at their job.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fakeunleet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2022
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Duck eggs
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2021
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What did sushii A say to sushii B?

Wha-sup-B (say out loud)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FollyOllyJo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2021
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You have to watch your blood pressure when playing in a brass band...

Or else you might get deep vein trombone-sis.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KieranCasey99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2021
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I cried when my dad chopped onions

Onions was a good dog

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DonPittelleone
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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My son asked me what our IP address was.

I pointed to the toilet.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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H: "Knock knock!"

Son: "Who's there?"

H: "H"

Son: "H who?"

H: "Bless you"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yedranda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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This just happend

Dad: I almost tripped on your mom's bra on my way downstairs

Son: wha?

Dad: It was a real boobie trap.

Son: (-_-)

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firestorm_001
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
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The nurse was eating a corn

The physician was eating a comd

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luispe94
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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There are 3 types of people in this world...

Those who are good at math, and those who are bad at math.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarshMiloMoon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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Olivia Wilde

...but Gene Wilder.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xJohnnyQuidx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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You know what sucks?

A vacuum cleaner

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoloharm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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Λ™uʍop ǝpᴉs-d∩ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ʇᴉ sɐ ʇᴉ puǝɯɯoɔǝɹ Κ‡,uop ʎllɐǝɹ I ˙ɐᴉlɐɹʇsnβˆ€ Ι―oɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ Κ‡Ι₯ΖƒnoΙΉq I
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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My friend Adam was telling me how, in addition to marrying a hot super model whose daddy bought the house he lives in and the car he drives just for marrying his daughter, he was also sexing up a hot stewardess. I found it hard to believe...

Because Adams make up everything!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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who named it detective pikachu instead of picatchyou
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nojokefound
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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Pulled this one on a wrong number today.

Wrong number lady: "I'm looking for a, uh, Victor?"

Me: "Nice, wha'd I win?"

WNL: (audible confusion and realization)

I know it's bad but I felt like my dad today.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CebidaeForeplay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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This entire sub
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChesyPleas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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What did he sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pkoch19
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2017
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So I'm one of them now

This just happened about an hour ago.

I was holding my infant son, and my wife asked me to hand her the Aquaphor. I said it is a shame we don't have a Dickphor. She just stared at me.

"I don't know what you are saying," she said flatly.

"A dickphor. You know, a dickphor."

"... no idea."

"Oh you know, a dickphor." At this point I'm laughing.

"Wha... I get that you are saying 'dick' instead of 'qua', but I don't understand what that means." She was laughing too by now.

"A dickphor! You've heard of a dickphor! A dickphor!" I figured if I said it enough, she would eventually give me the reply I now needed more than anything.

"... what is a dickph-" she realized in that moment that she had given me exactly what I was after. I could see in her face that she wanted to go back, to un-ask the question. But it was too late. I couldn't hold back long enough for her to even finish the sentence.

"PEEING!" I squealed triumphantly. Not since the Parthian capharacts defeated the calvary of Crassus at Carrhae has a victory tasted so sweet.

We both laughed long enough for our 8 month old son to realize that he was doomed to a life of dadjokes.

πŸ‘︎ 599
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatbridge
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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I don't have a dad. But I do have a really kick ass mom...

We were talking about our upcoming camping trip this morning:

Mom - I think I have a flashlight lying around somewhere.

Me - But headlamps are really where it's at if you;re camping.

Mom - But then I couldn't drink...

Me - wha...why not?

Mom - 'Cause I'd be a miner.

She had to hang up on me because she was cry-laughing at work.

πŸ‘︎ 288
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisablebear
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
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A rather vulgar dad joke

During dinner...

Dad (looking me square in the eye):You ever been shoulders deep in a pussy?

Me:Wha-...no.

Dad:WHAT WERE YA, SOME KINDA ASSHOLE-BABY?!

He proceeds to belly-laugh while my mum looks at him in pure disgust.

πŸ‘︎ 328
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amusing_name
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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Grandpa's servin' up ice cream...

G'pa: Ice cream tonight for dessert! You want male or female? Me: Wha.... G'pa: Nuts sprinkled on top...or not? Me: I don't want dessert...

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackSheepBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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My radiographer dad.

Dad: "I had to CT a guy at work today. Poor guy had been hit in the head with a pillow."

Me: "Wha... a pillow?! How hard was it?"

Dad: "Pretty hard. They were worried he might have con-cushion..."

πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattazza
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my girlfriend while we were out doing some last minute Christmas shopping

Her: I hate cold weather. It makes me all cough-y

Me: What flavor?

Her: Flavor? Wha-- Ugh.. Cough, "coffee," I get it. You're retarded and I hate you..

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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Scuba diving

Wife an I are watching a nature show and they are about to make a dive.

Me: Do you know why Scuba Diver's have to fall backwards out of the boat?

Her:No why?

Me: if they fell forward they would fall into the boat.

Her: wha... oh damnit! That was terrible

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TxJoker88
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2017
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A new job

My dad just got me good, talking about a job I'm starting while going to school:

Dad: Did you hear from HR?

Me: yeah I have to go for a drug test.

Dad: Do you have to study?

Me: Wha-oh my god I hate you

I'm the youngest of 5 so he's had a lot of practice

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeciusMoose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Grandpa got me. (Not sure if dad joke)

Grandpa: StLuis88, which hand do you use to wipe, after #2?

Me: uhhh....wha..?...my..right...hand....

Grandpa: You're gross! Why don't you use toilet paper?

Edit: a word

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StLuis88
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
🚨︎ report
Got dad-joked by my Nanny!

I sneezed.

My boyfriend: Gesundheit!

Nanny: Not anymore.

Me: Wha-?

Nanny: Goes in loose now.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaisyIsBobDylan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2014
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This dad joke's more of a mom pun. She wasn't impressed, regardless.

http://i.imgur.com/6b53dgn.png?2

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TPWALW
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2014
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While trying to buy a new microwave

Our small, old microwave stopped working, so I was at the shop to get a new bigger one. I phone home:

> Me: What's the volume of the old microwave? > > Dad: Well, it's not very loud at all. > > Me: Wha-? Oh.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dumnonii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2014
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Dad has gone batty!

Redditors in Commonwealth countries may appreciate this one. I walked into the kitchen wearing a new shirt which has a pattern of ominous looking bats on it...

Dad: Is that your new cricket shirt?

Me: Wha..?

Dad: Your cricket shirt, because it has got bats on it.

I groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
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Why i go there for dinner.

I was over my rents eating dinner the other day and was talking to my mom about work.

Me: I have this new manager, and she keeps asking me all these asinine questions about the most basic things

Dad: I'd only give it an 8.

Me: Wha.....ohhhh

-________- classic dad

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrailRain
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
🚨︎ report

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