..'cause this lady at Taco Bell asked for a case o' them, a case o' diya.
Me: I know, right? Usually it's behind something.
Really good at their job.
Wha-sup-B (say out loud)
Or else you might get deep vein trombone-sis.
Onions was a good dog
I pointed to the toilet.
Son: "Who's there?"
H: "H"
Son: "H who?"
H: "Bless you"
Dad: I almost tripped on your mom's bra on my way downstairs
Son: wha?
Dad: It was a real boobie trap.
Son: (-_-)
The physician was eating a comd
Those who are good at math, and those who are bad at math.
A vacuum cleaner
Because Adams make up everything!
Wrong number lady: "I'm looking for a, uh, Victor?"
Me: "Nice, wha'd I win?"
WNL: (audible confusion and realization)
I know it's bad but I felt like my dad today.
Wasabi
This just happened about an hour ago.
I was holding my infant son, and my wife asked me to hand her the Aquaphor. I said it is a shame we don't have a Dickphor. She just stared at me.
"I don't know what you are saying," she said flatly.
"A dickphor. You know, a dickphor."
"... no idea."
"Oh you know, a dickphor." At this point I'm laughing.
"Wha... I get that you are saying 'dick' instead of 'qua', but I don't understand what that means." She was laughing too by now.
"A dickphor! You've heard of a dickphor! A dickphor!" I figured if I said it enough, she would eventually give me the reply I now needed more than anything.
"... what is a dickph-" she realized in that moment that she had given me exactly what I was after. I could see in her face that she wanted to go back, to un-ask the question. But it was too late. I couldn't hold back long enough for her to even finish the sentence.
"PEEING!" I squealed triumphantly. Not since the Parthian capharacts defeated the calvary of Crassus at Carrhae has a victory tasted so sweet.
We both laughed long enough for our 8 month old son to realize that he was doomed to a life of dadjokes.
We were talking about our upcoming camping trip this morning:
Mom - I think I have a flashlight lying around somewhere.
Me - But headlamps are really where it's at if you;re camping.
Mom - But then I couldn't drink...
Me - wha...why not?
Mom - 'Cause I'd be a miner.
She had to hang up on me because she was cry-laughing at work.
During dinner...
Dad (looking me square in the eye):You ever been shoulders deep in a pussy?
Me:Wha-...no.
Dad:WHAT WERE YA, SOME KINDA ASSHOLE-BABY?!
He proceeds to belly-laugh while my mum looks at him in pure disgust.
G'pa: Ice cream tonight for dessert! You want male or female? Me: Wha.... G'pa: Nuts sprinkled on top...or not? Me: I don't want dessert...
Dad: "I had to CT a guy at work today. Poor guy had been hit in the head with a pillow."
Me: "Wha... a pillow?! How hard was it?"
Dad: "Pretty hard. They were worried he might have con-cushion..."
Her: I hate cold weather. It makes me all cough-y
Me: What flavor?
Her: Flavor? Wha-- Ugh.. Cough, "coffee," I get it. You're retarded and I hate you..
Wife an I are watching a nature show and they are about to make a dive.
Me: Do you know why Scuba Diver's have to fall backwards out of the boat?
Her:No why?
Me: if they fell forward they would fall into the boat.
Her: wha... oh damnit! That was terrible
My dad just got me good, talking about a job I'm starting while going to school:
Dad: Did you hear from HR?
Me: yeah I have to go for a drug test.
Dad: Do you have to study?
Me: Wha-oh my god I hate you
I'm the youngest of 5 so he's had a lot of practice
Grandpa: StLuis88, which hand do you use to wipe, after #2?
Me: uhhh....wha..?...my..right...hand....
Grandpa: You're gross! Why don't you use toilet paper?
Edit: a word
I sneezed.
My boyfriend: Gesundheit!
Nanny: Not anymore.
Me: Wha-?
Nanny: Goes in loose now.
http://i.imgur.com/6b53dgn.png?2
Our small, old microwave stopped working, so I was at the shop to get a new bigger one. I phone home:
> Me: What's the volume of the old microwave? > > Dad: Well, it's not very loud at all. > > Me: Wha-? Oh.
Redditors in Commonwealth countries may appreciate this one. I walked into the kitchen wearing a new shirt which has a pattern of ominous looking bats on it...
Dad: Is that your new cricket shirt?
Me: Wha..?
Dad: Your cricket shirt, because it has got bats on it.
I groaned.
I was over my rents eating dinner the other day and was talking to my mom about work.
Me: I have this new manager, and she keeps asking me all these asinine questions about the most basic things
Dad: I'd only give it an 8.
Me: Wha.....ohhhh
-________- classic dad
