I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
I am the punisher, feel my laugh!
I am sooooo proud of myself for this one 😂
I'm not sure I am that hungry
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
I am like a modern day Zeus....
I am not strong or godlike I am just constantly horny.
I am opening a rock'n'roll-themed Opticians.
I'm going to call it Johnny C Goode.
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
I know a family of Artists but I am not sure how they make so much Money
I like to shit at 11:59pm and end at 12:05 am
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
I am reading this article that compares all the different versions of The Bible.
There is a lot of cross referencing.
So this plane takes off, am I right??
...I guess not every joke lands
What's the difference between AM and FM?
My mom has 3 kids. My brother was born a gas, my sister a liquid and I am a solid. Yesterday my mom looked upset so I asked her what was wrong. She said "I'm pregnant"
So I said "Okay, what's the matter?"
What the hell am I dough-in’ here? I donut belong here
I am nor sure my sister knows any geography...
Am I punny enough for the pun club?
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
I am terrified of negative numbers...
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 am.
I'm not really a mourning person.
I stopped shaving and am getting a mustache
I gotta admit, it’s growing on me
Not your normal format, but I have to share as I am pretty proud
For context I work in a prison as a nurse. The other nurses were looking up charges for one of the inmates and hes in for capital murder. One of the nurses asks, "Whats the difference between capital murder and just murder anyway?" to which I was quick to say "usually a bigger M"
I guess Ive been a dad too long now that it comes natural
I am going to tell you a TCP joke
And I am going to keep telling it until you get it.
I am always careful in my backyard
Because some trees are nuts.
I am sick and tired of people calling me lazy, so I'm going to kill myself.
But, the gun is all the way over there.
I never worry about how fat I am
They say good things come to those who weight
I am addicted to seaweed....
I am shopping for a new oven.
I want to get one that comes pre-heated.
"I am Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon"
Me: I am terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: [Screams in horror]
Therapist: Oh, I see
Me: [Screams intensify]
I am a kleptomaniac.
Sometimes I have to take something for it
I am a butcher and my wife doesn’t like me introducing her to people
Especially when I say Meet Patty
This occurred to me at 1 am and I’ve never been more proud
I am a butcher by trade & yesterday I accidently backed into the meat grinder
I got a little behind in my work
I have 6 legs, 8 arms, and 10 heads. What am I?
My wife said to me, "am I getting fat?"
"No, sweetheart, you've been fat for years." I'll miss her.
I am sooo out of shape...
Yesterday, I changed my mind twice and broke out in a sweat.
I am so broke.
I couldn't even pay attention.
People say that I am self-centred
But that's enough about them
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