To all the members of this subreddit, an open letter:
The queen liked my girlfriend so much, she immediately made her an honorary member of the royal family...
She was really empressed!
Why was the church song leader so happy when a member of her congregation was killed in a car accident?
The deceased was an organ donor.
Which member of the Addams Family loves dead memes?
It is Wednesday, my dudes.
If I made a bot that spams every person who claims to be a member of the Pun Police with puns...
it would be a fully automatic machine pun.
How do the members of Blink-182 like to eat their hummus?
With naan-naan naan-naan naan-naan naan-naan-naan-naan!
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
Thank you for your cervix.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Why would a member of The Muppets be arrested?
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
The three members of the *cult*ery
The Secretary of State will be Biden's first confirmed Cabinet member.
After all, the Republicans can't say no to A. Blinken!
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
What rock group has only four members and none of them sing?
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Saw two members of a string section of an orchestra get in a fight...
They should know violins is never the answer..
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
Before we go to bed, my wife always recites the members of the round table..
The flat earth society has members all around the globe.
When one member of Foo Fighters left, how many fighters were left?
One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman...
What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?
What do the Japanese call a gang member responsible for keeping the boss's beer cold?
Friend: ...my wife is uncomfortable with them because they’ve joined the church of Satan. Like, he showed me his membership card. They’re paid members, man.
Me: well; someone has to pay the devil’s dues
Friend: damn it.
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...
I just found out one of my family members is addicted to Viagra
It’s been pretty hard times.
What did the farmer say when all of his haystacks were stolen?
Friend of mine asked why I took a side job at the bakery
I told him I don’t knead the dough, but I do get a rise out of it
What is the smelliest kind of ox?
I interrogated a member of the duck gang today.
Thankfully he quacked under the pressure...
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
Some people were arguing about the most important part of a kitchen.
"The sink is the most important! It's where you get water for cooking, wash your hands, clean fruits and vegetables, and clean the dishes up afterwards."
But another person said,
"The countertop is even more important. It's where the food is prepared. And if the counter weren't there, you wouldn't have a sink at all!"
The first person was shocked. They weren't expecting a counterargument.
Not a joke for written context, but one you can use on your family.
You just say to your family member - "Did you hear someone in the family is part owl?"
They'll reply with "who?" And you look at them with a raised eyebrow.
Tell this joke over dinner if youd like to be the life of the party. You're welcome.
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
Guys, make your woman feel special. Place a framed photo of her in the kitchen...
....and write "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" on top.
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
A lot of people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology.
I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.
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