A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon
π︎ 134
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︎ Dec 13 2020
My neighbor says Iβm trespassing. Iβm unsure if I am or not.
π︎ 53
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︎ Dec 18 2020
I have 6 legs, 8 arms, and 10 heads. What am I?
π︎ 479
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︎ Nov 02 2020
I am waiting to recover from injuries caused by a small sharp tool:
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I am ok'nt
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︎ Nov 23 2020
I am a proud dad today - my son ask me what this Indian bread on top of the fridge is for
I told him itβs Naan of his business
Edit: he could have replied βpapa dumbβ
π︎ 44
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︎ Dec 01 2020
I am not a dad, so I canβt tell dad jokes
To do so would be a faux pa...
π︎ 21
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︎ Dec 19 2020
I am trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.
But he just wonβt listen.
π︎ 187
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
Wow, I canβt believe I didnβt know this sub existed. I gotta say, I am a HUGE FAN!
π︎ 82
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︎ Nov 01 2020
I cant see why I am posting this, no one else will see this post
π︎ 206
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︎ Oct 18 2020
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
π︎ 23
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︎ Nov 02 2020
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
Just to make the cremation process a little bit more interesting.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
i am deaf on both ears after working at the metal factory
I guess heavy metal is not good for my ears
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
I am baffled that the cashier is out of change.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
"Ivanka... I am your father."
π︎ 418
π
︎ Sep 29 2020
How am I supposed to find the Big Apple?
I donβt even know where the Minneapolis!
π︎ 89
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
OC - I am not great at imitation in drawing, though
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
Prisoner: "I am sorry, I tried to escape."
Guard: "I'm not mad, just disappointed."
(Remember kids, never let your guard down)
π︎ 27
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
I am giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry, that came out wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
π︎ 124
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
I am positive that there is something wrong with Quasimodo's back
Or it could be just a hunch
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
I am convinced that my friend helped someone steal one of my gloves.
He definitely had a hand in it.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
I am so sorry OP.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
I am reading a book on the history of lubricants.
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 21 2020
its not mine but i found this and thought it was good so i am sharing it
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Why am I the only one naked?
They said it was a gender reveal party?
π︎ 38
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︎ Oct 30 2020
How many hands am I holding up?
If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc
Say βah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?
Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.
The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.
β4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!β
π︎ 43
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
So you stopped being friends with me as I am a Trump supporter
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
I am really fed up with all the president name jokes.
I will just avoid reddit until christmas.
They should have gotten old bi den.
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Officer : Sir, Maβam, Iβm afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.
π︎ 14
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︎ Nov 14 2020
I think I am going to be a Grandparent
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Husband: It's a surprise!
Kid: You mean a SUPPER-ise!
Kid is definitely ready to be a dad.
π︎ 16
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︎ Nov 12 2020
I am only familiar with 25 letters of the English Alphabet
π︎ 19
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
I am about to become a dad for the second time...
Should my jokes become worse or more frequent?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
Letting you all know that I've volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials held here in Melbourne. I received my first shot at 9.00 am this morning
Itβs completely safe with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveΡ, and im currently feelshΞΊΞΉ ΟoΟoshΟ Ρ ΡΡΠ²ΡΡΠ²ΡΡ ΡΠ΅Π±Ρ Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ ΡΡΡΠ°Π½Π½ΠΎ ΠΈ Ρ Π΄ΡΠΌΠ°Ρ, ΡΡΠΎ Π²ΡΡΠ°ΡΠΈΠ» ΠΎΡΠ»ΠΈΠ½ΡΠ΅ ΡΡΠΈ.
π︎ 110
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
Why, when I heat some water, I am boiling it. But when my wife heats some water...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
I think i am ready to become a dad
π︎ 47
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
I am speed
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 28 2020
I have no idea what to get now...am I supposed to get both?
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 24 2020
I am somewhat of a fall guy myself...
π︎ 31
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
Yes, Maβam!
π︎ 240
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︎ Jul 13 2020
I just wanted to show people one of my favorite tweets by SMII7Y (If this is a repost I am sorry)
π︎ 60
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︎ Aug 28 2020
Iβm driving through England, and am supposed to stay in Greenwich for a day or two.
Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
I am trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.
But he just wonβt listen.
π︎ 58
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
π︎ 27k
π
︎ May 16 2020
I am buzz Aldrin, second man to walk on the moon...
π︎ 62
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
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