Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?
That's what I do when I'm Russian
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︎ Apr 27 2021
Damn. Just got fired from my liquor store job. I spilled a bunch of vodka.
It was an Absolut mess.
(Credit Twitter user TheDillonOne)
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︎ Apr 28 2021
What did Curt Cobain say when he opened a 13 year old bottle of vodka?
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︎ Apr 02 2021
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer!"
"But itβs worth a shot!"
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︎ Apr 05 2021
Terrorist walks into a bar and orders a vodka on the rocks
Bartender picks up a piece of ice, and asks "you like ice?"
Terrorist says "Yes, but more than one would be nice"
Bartender grabs another piece of ice and asks "so, you like ices?"
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︎ Apr 30 2021
I started drinking weed infused vodka
It keeps me in high spirits
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︎ Dec 18 2020
I tried making an old family recipe of german sausage boiled in vodka.
It was the Absolut wurst.
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︎ Nov 27 2020
Last month my doctor told me, "Bob, this is seriously urgent. You really have to start drinking less vodka."
I've been out to at least 40 different bars since then, but no one seems to carry that brand. Anyone know where to find it?
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︎ Dec 02 2020
A ghost walks into a bar and asks for vodka.
The Bartender says βSorry. We donβt serve spiritsβ
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︎ Nov 22 2020
What do you call Vodka with no calories?
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︎ Sep 25 2020
This morning instead of getting the Vodka bottle I accidentally got the water bottle
I started freaking out thinking that I lost my taste
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︎ Nov 16 2020
Bet the burglar also stole some vodka
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︎ Jan 31 2020
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didnβt have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
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︎ Feb 16 2020
Drinking vodka martini's won't make you James Bond.
But it'll make you Roger Moore.
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︎ Feb 04 2020
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
No I have enough to carry as it is...
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︎ Feb 12 2020
A guy named lee came into my bar and asked for a good vodka.
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︎ Mar 07 2020
This year, instead of cookies and milk, leave Pierogi and vodka.
After all, Santa is North Polish.
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︎ Dec 23 2019
I didnβt think vodka could help my problems
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︎ Apr 29 2019
What do you call french fries, cheese curd, and vodka sauce?
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︎ Aug 03 2019
Tesco's are putting vodka up a penny tomorrow to Β£20.
So tonight I'm gonna party like it's Β£19.99
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︎ Aug 28 2019
I was on a Vodka diet once.
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︎ Aug 23 2019
I got my wife some lipstick made from vodka, but she hates it...
She says it keeps Smirnoff.
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︎ Sep 11 2019
Why canβt you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
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︎ Apr 13 2019
What do you get when you mix chopped potatoes, Kielbasa, Russian cheese, and Vodka infused gravy?
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︎ Aug 28 2019
I had a dream about being buried by vodka bottles after an earthquake!
It was an Absolut nightmare! I am glad to have woken and seen the world and Skyy again...
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︎ Jul 05 2019
Vodka, Tequila, Whiskey
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︎ May 20 2019
Potatoes make french fries, chips and vodka.
It's like the other vegetables are not even trying.
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︎ Jun 25 2019
I built a vodka still that uses an electromagnetic heating coil...
I call it proof by induction.
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︎ Dec 19 2018
Is there any problem you can't solve with vodka?
Besides an Alcohol addiction.
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︎ Mar 08 2019
What do you call a vodka martini with a sausage garnish?
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︎ Apr 01 2019
My kids were arguing about what to watch on Netflix, so I started yelling, βVodka! Tequila! Whiskey!...β
βIn this house, I call the shots.β
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︎ Mar 05 2019
How is vodka different from a student taking their final exam?
Vodka has a guaranteed 40%
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︎ Jan 12 2019
Part of this alcohol class is about vodka.
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︎ Dec 18 2018
My dad handed me and my love interest a bottle of vodka and said we needed to liquor up, I replied....
"Liquor? I'm just trying to date her!"
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︎ Jul 10 2017
A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his luggage caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.
The whole event was pretty terrible.
It's being called the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.
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︎ Aug 11 2017
What did one three-quarter-full glass of vodka say to the other, full glass of water?
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︎ Aug 28 2016
Stalin the Last Vodka Bender
Vodkaβ¦Vodkaβ¦Vodkaβ¦Vodka Long ago, the 4 dictatorships lived together in harmony. Then everything changed when the Mao Nation Attacked. Only the Stalin, master of the four elements, could stop them. But when the world needed him most, he vanished (to his underground bunker filled with bottles of vodka). A hundred years past and my fellow AP Euro students discovered the new Leader, a vodka master named Stalin. And although his vodka is great, he still has a lot to chug before heβs ready to out drink anyone. But I believe Stalin can drink it all.
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︎ Dec 05 2013
Buying vodka at a store...
I was picking up some absolut vodka at Walmart last night when a cashier got me with this one.
Cashier: Be careful not to drop that, I heard it makes an absolut mess.
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︎ May 31 2015
Brought home like three grocery bags filled with bottles of vodka, yesterday...
...Wife says, "Why did you buy so much vodka?!! I said we needed two!"
And I was like, "I thought you meant ten fifths."
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︎ Sep 18 2014
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."
"...but itβs worth a shot."
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︎ Feb 03 2019
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."
"...but itβs worth a shot."
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︎ Jul 10 2019
What did Kurt Cobain say after opening a 13 year old bottle of vodka?
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︎ Nov 13 2019
I doubt vodka is the answer.....
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︎ Jul 28 2017
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