Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?

That's what I do when I'm Russian

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 337
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Rysefin
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 27 2021
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Damn. Just got fired from my liquor store job. I spilled a bunch of vodka.

It was an Absolut mess.

(Credit Twitter user TheDillonOne)

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bgva
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 28 2021
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What did Curt Cobain say when he opened a 13 year old bottle of vodka?

Smells like teen spirit

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Alain389
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 02 2021
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My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer!"

"But itโ€™s worth a shot!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 25
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 05 2021
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Terrorist walks into a bar and orders a vodka on the rocks

Bartender picks up a piece of ice, and asks "you like ice?"

Terrorist says "Yes, but more than one would be nice"

Bartender grabs another piece of ice and asks "so, you like ices?"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Farnesworth85
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 30 2021
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I started drinking weed infused vodka

It keeps me in high spirits

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 51
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Flazdude
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 18 2020
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I tried making an old family recipe of german sausage boiled in vodka.

It was the Absolut wurst.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 26
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ImDyxlesic-
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 27 2020
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Last month my doctor told me, "Bob, this is seriously urgent. You really have to start drinking less vodka."

I've been out to at least 40 different bars since then, but no one seems to carry that brand. Anyone know where to find it?

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BuhoBuhoGris
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 02 2020
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A ghost walks into a bar and asks for vodka.

The Bartender says โ€œSorry. We donโ€™t serve spiritsโ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/berto214
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 22 2020
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What do you call Vodka with no calories?

Absolut Zero

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Megalythyx
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 25 2020
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This morning instead of getting the Vodka bottle I accidentally got the water bottle

I started freaking out thinking that I lost my taste

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/psikomanjak
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 16 2020
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Bet the burglar also stole some vodka
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 37
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/EkskiuTwentyTwo
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 31 2020
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I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didnโ€™t have a good reason,

Just needed something to lift my spirits

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 63
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/den_nis3524
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 16 2020
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Drinking vodka martini's won't make you James Bond.

But it'll make you Roger Moore.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/theGamingDad123
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 04 2020
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He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.

No I have enough to carry as it is...

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Dartis_X-UI
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 12 2020
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A guy named lee came into my bar and asked for a good vodka.

I said, "Absolute, Lee"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Tyken132
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 07 2020
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This year, instead of cookies and milk, leave Pierogi and vodka.

After all, Santa is North Polish.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/hitokirizac
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 23 2019
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I didnโ€™t think vodka could help my problems

But it was worth a shot

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 47
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Garret27h
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 29 2019
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What do you call french fries, cheese curd, and vodka sauce?

Vladimir Poutine

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ReadinStuff2
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 03 2019
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Tesco's are putting vodka up a penny tomorrow to ยฃ20.

So tonight I'm gonna party like it's ยฃ19.99

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 63
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Guy2things
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 28 2019
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I was on a Vodka diet once.

I lost 3 days.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/GoofySwe776
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 23 2019
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I got my wife some lipstick made from vodka, but she hates it...

She says it keeps Smirnoff.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ElectricSquish
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 11 2019
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Why canโ€™t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?

Only the Sith deal in Absolut.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 31
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 13 2019
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What do you get when you mix chopped potatoes, Kielbasa, Russian cheese, and Vodka infused gravy?

Raspoutine

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/NickTheLeafer
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 28 2019
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I had a dream about being buried by vodka bottles after an earthquake!

It was an Absolut nightmare! I am glad to have woken and seen the world and Skyy again...

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 05 2019
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Vodka, Tequila, Whiskey

I'm calling the shots

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thatsquishyboy
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 20 2019
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Potatoes make french fries, chips and vodka.

It's like the other vegetables are not even trying.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Jan_Tik
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 25 2019
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I built a vodka still that uses an electromagnetic heating coil...

I call it proof by induction.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TimurHasWords
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 19 2018
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Is there any problem you can't solve with vodka?

Besides an Alcohol addiction.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/n-wordpass-DENIED
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 08 2019
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What do you call a vodka martini with a sausage garnish?

The Absolut wurst combo.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Pongoid
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 01 2019
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My kids were arguing about what to watch on Netflix, so I started yelling, โ€œVodka! Tequila! Whiskey!...โ€

โ€œIn this house, I call the shots.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 05 2019
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How is vodka different from a student taking their final exam?

Vodka has a guaranteed 40%

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ladamaster92
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 12 2019
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Part of this alcohol class is about vodka.

Itโ€™s an Absolut unit

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Colin92541
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 18 2018
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My dad handed me and my love interest a bottle of vodka and said we needed to liquor up, I replied....

"Liquor? I'm just trying to date her!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/SoDakZak
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 10 2017
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A man tried smuggling sausage and vodka out of Europe and his luggage caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane.

The whole event was pretty terrible.

It's being called the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/CoyoteTheFatal
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 11 2017
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What did one three-quarter-full glass of vodka say to the other, full glass of water?

I'm a bit drunk.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VeryAwkwardCake
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 28 2016
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Stalin the Last Vodka Bender

Vodkaโ€ฆVodkaโ€ฆVodkaโ€ฆVodka Long ago, the 4 dictatorships lived together in harmony. Then everything changed when the Mao Nation Attacked. Only the Stalin, master of the four elements, could stop them. But when the world needed him most, he vanished (to his underground bunker filled with bottles of vodka). A hundred years past and my fellow AP Euro students discovered the new Leader, a vodka master named Stalin. And although his vodka is great, he still has a lot to chug before heโ€™s ready to out drink anyone. But I believe Stalin can drink it all.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/AWimpyAsianKid
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 05 2013
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Buying vodka at a store...

I was picking up some absolut vodka at Walmart last night when a cashier got me with this one.

Cashier: Be careful not to drop that, I heard it makes an absolut mess.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DizzyOstro
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 31 2015
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Brought home like three grocery bags filled with bottles of vodka, yesterday...

...Wife says, "Why did you buy so much vodka?!! I said we needed two!"

And I was like, "I thought you meant ten fifths."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Klopfenpop
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 18 2014
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My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."

"...but itโ€™s worth a shot."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 03 2019
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My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer..."

"...but itโ€™s worth a shot."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 396
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 10 2019
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What did Kurt Cobain say after opening a 13 year old bottle of vodka?

Smells like teen spirit

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/rahulnoronha
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 13 2019
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I doubt vodka is the answer.....

But it's worth a shot

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/vociferousnoodle
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 28 2017
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