Man shot 200 times with upholstery gun.

Surgeons revealed he is now 'fully recovered'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bob9109
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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Florida man shot over 200 times with an upholstery gun...

...Doctors say he's now fully recovered

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Warlach
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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My friend is inventing breakthrough upholstery fabric that can self-mend rips and tears. When I asked how he's progressing, he replied....

Sofa sew good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/writenroll
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun the other day.

He's okay. He's recovered now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crash_86
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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What do upholstery and Ex-Lax have in common?

They can both soften your stool.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FresnelFaro
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
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My friend was a chair upholstery technician but got the coronavirus. It took him out 2 weeks, but he's finally getting better...

He's recovering.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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My friend got so drunk one time, he ripped up all his car's upholstery...

He's in recovery now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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Did y’all ever hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine?

He’s fully recovered, don’t worry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/senorbritches
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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Why are Christmas trees so bad at upholstery?

They always drop their needles.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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A guy at my father-in-law's work got in an upholstery machine accident...

He told me not to worry though because he's fully recovered!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adecle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2015
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I had an industrial accident last week.

I fell into an upholstery machine, but I'm fully recovered now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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What's the best stool softener that everyone has been on at least once?

Upholstery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PewPewWizard2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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My dad texts me jokes about once a week. Here are about 30 of my favorites.
  • What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

  • If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

  • Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

  • Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

  • I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

  • Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

  • I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

  • Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

  • I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

  • Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

  • I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

  • Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

  • Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

  • Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

  • When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

  • I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

  • Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

  • Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

  • I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

  • Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

  • Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

  • Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

  • Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

  • I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

  • So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

  • When you get an infection, urine trouble.

  • "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

  • How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

  • Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

  • Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

  • What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhenIm6TFour
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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my mom has the worst jokes

If an onion makes you cry what makes you laugh?

An artijoke (artichoke)

Did you hear about the guy who had an accident in the upholstery machine?

He's okay now after his recovery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/psymonp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
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My grandma just sent a chain email full of these. I'll just copy and paste them.

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

Here goes...

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/All_Hail_Dionysus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
🚨︎ report
A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun...

.. doctors say he is now fully recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZimbaZumba
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you here about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSketchiest
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Did you hear about the guy that got shot with an upholstery gun 200 times?

They said he's fully recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/33arig
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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A man was shot more than 200 times with an upholstery gun...

Doctors revelaed he is now β€˜fully recovered’.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine?

He is fully recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beard_on
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who fell in the upholstery machine?

He came away fully recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear what happened after the man fell into an upholstery machine?

He was fully re-covered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_GhostBear
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2018
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A friend of mine fell into an upholstery machine...

....but it's ok. He's recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mystikmike
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Would you call a drunk...

...working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2017
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