What unit of measurement do you use to weigh your linens?

Sheet tons.

👍︎ 5
👤︎ u/lawnboy18
📅︎ Sep 30 2020
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My kid had a nightmare about monsters and threw the linen off his bed.

He was scared sheetless.

👍︎ 163
👤︎ u/porichoygupto
📅︎ Jul 24 2018
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Linen changes

My girlfriend put new sheets on the bed last night. She likes clean sheets I guess. This morning when I got up she asked me if I liked the new sheets.

I replied, "Honestly, they were kinda sheety."

👍︎ 24
👤︎ u/Masaharta
📅︎ Aug 10 2014
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What's the difference between a "male" and a "female"?


👍︎ 59
📅︎ Jun 05 2020
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An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.

His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.

"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."

"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.

"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."

"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."

"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."

👍︎ 4k
👤︎ u/LazyLeo1337
📅︎ May 02 2018
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What Beatle is entirely made out of fabric?

John Linen

👍︎ 7
📅︎ Aug 18 2018
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My dad proudly dad joked me this evening

We were out of paper towels in the kitchen and we keep the extra rolls in our linen closet. He was walking by so I asked him to grab a new roll. As he walked into the kitchen he announced that the paper towels were out of the closet and he supported their right to marry.

👍︎ 9
👤︎ u/yagrandmum
📅︎ Mar 08 2015
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Got a twofer

Getting something from the linen closet next to the bathroom, overheard 13yo stepdaughter talking to the missus about some moisturiser or something, "This is so good!".

Stuck my head in and asked, "Made of soy milk, is it?".

Two second pause, missus says "Don't worry - it's just another stupid dad joke.", followed by a pair of groans and a hand towel thrown at my head as I disappear again.

👍︎ 2
👤︎ u/_korvan_
📅︎ Apr 03 2016
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Possibly the best pun of my life (a true story)

My wife ordered some linen pants from Land's End. She got them earlier this week, and was concerned that since it's October, it's too late in the year to wear them to work. But she really liked the pants.

She made the mistake of asking me what I thought, so I said the first thing that came to mind:

"Linen doubt? Whip it out!"

👍︎ 6
👤︎ u/bobthewriter
📅︎ Oct 24 2013
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My son had a nightmare, and threw the linens off his bed.

He was scared sheetless.

👍︎ 18
👤︎ u/porichoygupto
📅︎ Mar 08 2019
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