He was scared sheetless.
My girlfriend put new sheets on the bed last night. She likes clean sheets I guess. This morning when I got up she asked me if I liked the new sheets.
I replied, "Honestly, they were kinda sheety."
Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.
His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.
"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."
"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.
"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."
"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."
"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."
We were out of paper towels in the kitchen and we keep the extra rolls in our linen closet. He was walking by so I asked him to grab a new roll. As he walked into the kitchen he announced that the paper towels were out of the closet and he supported their right to marry.
Getting something from the linen closet next to the bathroom, overheard 13yo stepdaughter talking to the missus about some moisturiser or something, "This is so good!".
Stuck my head in and asked, "Made of soy milk, is it?".
Two second pause, missus says "Don't worry - it's just another stupid dad joke.", followed by a pair of groans and a hand towel thrown at my head as I disappear again.
My wife ordered some linen pants from Land's End. She got them earlier this week, and was concerned that since it's October, it's too late in the year to wear them to work. But she really liked the pants.
She made the mistake of asking me what I thought, so I said the first thing that came to mind:
"Linen doubt? Whip it out!"