I'm considering adding carpet to my new house

If they do a good job I'll be floored.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iceberger3
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My two year old was playing cars and blocks with my wife, when she (the toddler) put a block on the road on her city map carpet and said:

"Road Block"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jenniferwillow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...

Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/damilalam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My cat was just sick on the carpet,

I don’t think it’s feline well.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a good friend who wears clothes made of nothing but carpet.

Walter Wall.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My real estate agent lied.. he said my house had 1000 carpet area

I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there ..

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Magic carpet?
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilliCherry
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œCan you help me with the curtains? I need to make sure the carpet matches the drapes.”

And THAT is a sexual in-your-window!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my carpenter not to carpet my steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlaik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.

And suddenly I’m the idiot....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the carpet lying around?

It was feeling a bit ruggish

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FurriesRGay14
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do Mexican people put under their carpet?

Underlay, underlay!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YourCreepyGramps
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the Mexican carpet fitter say whenever he lays a new floor?

Underlay! Underlay!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EskimoJake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Napoleon was visiting a friend at his new estate. The friends great pride was his lavatory which was a big room with pottet plants, beautiful tapestries and carpets. When Napoleon saw this he was gobsmacked and exclaimed "What a loo!"
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/operasmurf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A young man worked at a carpet selling business

A young man worked at a carpet selling business and one day his boss came up to him and said:
"We have been impressed with how you sell the products. We're going to send you to a carpeting convention in Las Vegas so you can learn all the tricks of the trade. We will pay for your flights, accommodation, and all your food!"
The young man was excited and went and got ready for his trip. The day of the trip came and the young man's boss called and asked him if he was excited for his adventure to which the young man replied:
"Yes I am! I'm gonna seize the day because I've got a carpet per diem"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/esjay_
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My tailor kept yanking my pant leg til it dragged across the carpet.

"Bro, would you cut me some slack?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a Mexican carpet fitter usually shout as he's starting a new fit?

Underlay, underlay!!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redwolve378
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the carpet have no friends?

People just walked all over him.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_good_one877
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My buddy likes to jog in place on the rug in his hall.

He’s a carpet runner.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My cat just got sick on the carpet

Guess he’s not feline so good.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bighamsandw1tch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
When my grandkids ask, "Grandpa, how did you survive in 2020 when there was no toilet paper?"

I'm going to try them, "We had go outside & drag our butts across the lawn. ( Like the dog does on the carpet.)

Up hill!

Both ways!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I caught my toddler peeing on the carpet

I politely asked him to piss off

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fab-_-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Aladdin banned from flying carpet racing! Sources say…

…for use of performance enhancing rugs…

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Traveling on a magic carpet

Is a very rugged experience.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumb-reply
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the carpet say to the floor

Hold it right there buddy I got you covered

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is a carpet fitter so good at dancing?

He's always cutting the rug

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I hear that the Arctic Monkeys recently sold a Carpet to the current Real Madrid manager.

I bet that it looks good on Zidane's floor.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I'd tell you about my German Shepherd shedding in the carpet

But it's really just a doggy shag story.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkenTree
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s a carpet’s favorite sport?

Rugby

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ayyyyysdf165
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Neutering an animal makes it infertile. Making its hide into carpet squares makes it fur tile.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moothane
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Ever since I stopped wearing woolly socks, I no longer get shocked when I walk across a carpeted room.

Needless to say, I’m ecstatic.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/washcapsfan37
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What do spanish carpet fitters put under their carpets?

Underlay underlay!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kryptic_Duck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My real estate agent lied to me.. he said that my house had 1000 carpet area

I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs ..

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.

And suddenly I’m the idiot.....

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a Mexican have under his carpet?

Underlay underlay

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tombola201uk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My cat was just sick on the carpet.

I don't think she's feline well!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GibMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I told the builder I didn't want carpeted steps...

He gave me a blank stair.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ign1fy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the carpet say to the floor?

I've got you covered.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SentientPotato42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my contractor I didn't want carpeted steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_snipeypants
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an old carpet?

Rug-gedy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My cat has been throwing up all over my carpet lately.

I don't think it's feline well.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/harbinger12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
No carpet!

I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Proletariat_Smurf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My cat threw up on the carpet

I don’t think he’s feline well

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alexanderlch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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