Two books meet in a Library. One says ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
... Just had my Appendix removed.
π︎ 615
π
︎ May 30 2020
Two melons decide they want to get married. One suggests they do it in Vegas...
The other says "I'm sorry my mother always said, 'You cantaloupe.'"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
Just learned I'm gonna be a dad today, and I told my wife: "two turtles are in front of a waterfall, what does one say to the other?"
Shall we jump? Yes, we shell.
I'll see my way out
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
Two goldfish are in a tank, one of them turns to the other and says
Hey! Whoβs gonna drive this thing?
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jun 17 2020
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one sayβs βooh ooh aah ooh aahβ
The second one sayβs βwell put some cold water in it thenβ
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 28 2020
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said "Gee it's hot in here"
The other one shouted "Wow, a talking muffin"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
Two goldfish are in a tank. One leans over to the other and asks...
βDo you even know how to drive this thing?β
π︎ 22
π
︎ May 18 2020
Equine Theater (or, Two Puns in One)
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 17 2020
Two rich dudes were hanging out in a bar. One said to the other, "Hey, you wanna come to my square island?"
The other responded "Four shore!"
π︎ 21
π
︎ May 01 2020
When I was in the mafia I was working as a welder on the side, one day I accidentally welded two crucifixes together.
My boss is going to be so mad when he finds out about this double-cross.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 08 2020
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, βIf you cross this line, Iβll hit you in the face.β
That was the punchline...
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Oct 23 2019
Two friends are on a road trip and one if them sees a sign stating they are approaching Louisville. One says "we should stop in 'Louie-ville' for lunch. The other says it's not pronounced 'Louie-ville', it's 'Louis-ville'!
They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"
The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says
>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 25 2020
Two cow's in a field, one cow goes 'Mooooooooooo'
The second cow looks at the first and says "you bastard, I was just gonna say that'.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
Two sick Caskets in a Coronavirus isolation ward. One says to the other...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 17 2020
A king sat on his throne in his beautiful kingdom. Before him were three glasses set on a table. The first two are filled with water, but the third one is empty. What is the name of the king?
π︎ 39
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
Two whales are in the ocean, and one whale says to the other:
OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO...ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo...oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO...oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo...OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo...oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo...OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO...oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo...OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO...ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo...oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO...oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo...OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo...oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo...OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO...oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo...OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO...ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo...oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO...oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo...OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo...oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo...OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO...oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo...OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO...ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo...oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO...oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo...OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo...oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo...OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO...oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo...
To which the other replied: Shut up, Frank. You're drunk.
π︎ 637
π
︎ Jun 27 2019
What do you call working two shifts in one day at McDonald's?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 21 2019
I was in a conversation with two other people. One asked do vegetarians like Cod. The other said thatβs pescatarian and not vegetarian. Then they asked what I thought.
So I said no thatβs gamers
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 01 2019
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says βWhat music do you listen to?β
The turbine says βIβm a massive heavy metal fanβ
π︎ 339
π
︎ Mar 18 2019
Two windmills are in a field. One windmill asks the other windmill: "What kind of music do you like?"
The other windmill says: "I'm a big metal fan."
π︎ 60
π
︎ Jul 26 2019
I've only got three albums in my collection. Two by Meatloaf and one by Michael Jackson.
Two out of three ain't Bad
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 08 2019
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 07 2019
Two elderly women were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. One woman has a stroke.
The other couldnβt reach.
π︎ 48
π
︎ Jul 07 2019
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, "Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do." The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, "Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do." Only one man stood under that sign...
Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, βNo one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself."
The man shrugged and said, βMy wife told me to stand here.β
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jul 24 2019
Two windmills are in a field. One asks the other βwhatβs your favorite genre of music?β
The other replies βIβm a pretty big metal fan.β
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 30 2019
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 14 2019
Two fresh grapes decided to sit together out in the sun one day...
Pretty soon they were raisin kids
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 28 2019
Two peanuts were waking down the street, one was wrapped in its shell
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 16 2019
Two goldfish are in a bowl, one fish turns to the other and say when do you think the food is coming? The other says...
Holy crap! A talking fish!
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 13 2019
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin turns to the other and says: "Is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
The other muffin's jaw drops in shock as it exclaims: "Whoa! A talking muffin!"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 12 2019
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 02 2019
Two restless hats are stores in a closest when one says to the other
You stay here, Iβll go on ahead
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 14 2018
Due to cuts in the education budget, they've decided to simplify the alphabet, reducing it to just two vowels and one consonant...
...but don't worry, everything's going to be A-OK!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 27 2019
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
π︎ 78
π
︎ Feb 11 2019
Two whales walk in to a bar. One of them is like, "hmhmhnnnngnbrmuh"
And the other one is like, "Man, Steve, go home. You are drunk
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 13 2019
Two peanuts were walking down the road when one got punched in the face
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 10 2019
Two British cuttlefish are in the pub. One hands the other a sorry-looking cephalopod and saysβ¦
Hereβs the sick squid I borrowed off you.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 02 2019
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other "you worried about that mad cow disease?"
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
π︎ 62
π
︎ Jan 31 2019
Two corn stalks are standing in a field. One leans over to the other and whispers, βHey I gotta tell you something, you got a minute?β The other corn stalk says...
βSure, Iβm all ears.β
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 27 2019
Two cowboys are in the kitchen, which one is the real cowboy?
The one sitting on the range.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 23 2019
Two leprechauns are in the forest eating mushrooms and one asks the other
π︎ 48
π
︎ May 22 2018
Two kids were on the playground, about to get in a fight. One drew a line in the sand and told the other, βIf you cross this line, Iβll punch you in the face.β
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 16 2019
I just crashed my car in a lane between two houses -- one owned by Mr. and Mrs. Ball, and one owned by Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
Thank god I was dragged out by the Smiths.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jul 13 2018
Two Canadian coffees are sitting in a library when one says to the other "You read a lattΓ©?"
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 31 2018
Two Greek people had a poetry contest. One of them wrote an excellent poem conveying deep emotions. The other person's poem is just one-character long. In the end, the short poem won
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 22 2019
Two vampire bats in a cave, one goes out in search of fresh blood in the local village, and comes back with a face covered in red blood. His friend says "what did you eat to get all that?" The first bat replies:
"You see that steeple on that church over there? Yeah, I hit it."
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 14 2018
A guy walks into a bar with two bananas, one in each ear
The bartender asks, "What's with the bananas?"
The guy responds, "What?"
π︎ 40
π
︎ Apr 05 2018
Three whales fall out of an airplane. Two fell on the ground, one fell in the water.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 30 2018
[English/Dutch Bilingual Pun] Two fish meet in the ocean, one speaking English and the other speaking Dutch.
English fish: "Hi!"
Dutch fish: "WAAR?!"
(Edit: It also works with German. "WO?!")
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 08 2017
If you have one piΓ±on in one hand, and two piΓ±ons in the other hand, what do you have?
A difference of a piΓ±on.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 11 2018
Two muffins are baking in an oven. One looks over and says "its getting warm in here!"
The other replies "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 23 2018
There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...
Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.
Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.
"It's a son of a beech," the beech would say.
"No, it's a son of a birch," the birch would say.
And back and forth they would go.
Well one year, when the sapling was starting to get big and tall, a woodpecker happened to fly along and land on the beech.
The beech, seeing an opportunity to settle this argument once and for all, said, "Hey, woodpecker. I need a favor. I want you to fly over to that young tree there, and tell me whether that tree is a son of a beech or the son of a birch."
Well, the woodpecker not having much else to do said, "Sure thing!" and flew over to the young tree and gave it six good taps.
-tap tap tap-
-tap tap tap-
And flew back.
"Well?" the birch said.
"Well?" the beech said.
"Is it a son of a beech, or the son of a birch?"
The woodpecker said, "Neither."
"Neither!?"
"That, my friends," the woodpecker said, "is the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in."
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 03 2017
Local theater made two dad jokes in one Facebook post
First they post a headline that reads "'It' Smashes Box Office Records With $117 Million Opening"
Their response: "What does?"
Then someone commented "Dad jokes"
Their response: "What does he joke about"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 10 2017
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 26 2016
Two in one day
My boss and a couple other employees were discussing how I came in even though I was sick and one employee, who is from the Ukraine said "I guess I dont get sick because I ha e better genes to handle the cold weather." My boss replied with "Well what are they? Levis?" We all had a giggle.
Later that very same day I delivered a bag to a post office which must've went out by mistake because it had zero items. When I was leaving the man who received the delivery said to me "Have a good day and thanks for nothin!"
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 04 2017
Three elephants are pushed out of a moving plane. Two land on either side of the river. One lands in the river. What sound do they make?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 22 2013
One honeydew says to two young melons in love...
you cantaloupe!
Seriously though, this is a two-fer. I was putting a watermelon in a carrier box in the car, saying "There you go little guy, you'll be safe in your own box". My SO rolls her eyes and says 'stop it'.
I say, "What, I can't be melondramatic?"
π︎ 27
π
︎ Jul 11 2014
Two dadjokes in one evening, from 2 different dads
"Joke" #1 (from my brother-in-laws father in law...actually, it's not a joke, but it deserves to be here.)
BIL'sFIL: What about an elbow truck?
Everyone else: ???
BIL'sFIL: You know, instead of a toe-truck?
Joke #2 from my Father in-law, (while discussing how my brother-in-law and brother-in-law's father in-law "bonded" over a movie.)
FIL: Did they use a strong glue?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 02 2014
My two year old snagged my father in law with this one
My father in law passed by the kitchen and said, "Remind me to bring the cooler."
My two year old followed him out of the room and grabbed him yelling, "Daddy Ken! Remember your cooler! "
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 24 2014
Two fish in a tank and one says:
βHow do you drive this thing?β
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
Two fish in a tank , one says to the other ...
β Howβd you start this thing up ?β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 11 2020
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
π︎ 270
π
︎ Dec 12 2019
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
π︎ 143
π
︎ Dec 02 2019
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, βIf you cross this line, Iβll hit you in the face.β
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Jan 26 2019
Two goldfish were in a tank. One turned to the other and said...
"How do you drive this thing?"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 03 2019
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 26 2019
Two gold fish are in a tank, One says to the other
"How do you drive this thing?"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 26 2019
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 04 2019
Two goldfish are in a tank, one turns and says to the other,
βhow do you drive this thing?β
π︎ 206
π
︎ Jun 05 2019
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 10 2019
Two gold fish are in a tank and one goes:
So, how do ya drive this thing?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 28 2019
There's these 3 fish in a tank. One fish asks the other two,
"hey, how do you drive this thing?"
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jul 04 2019
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 27 2019
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says...
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
π︎ 81
π
︎ May 13 2019
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 23 2019
Two wind turbines are in a field. One asks the other, βWhatβs your favorite kind of music?β
The other says βWell Iβm a huge metal fan!β
π︎ 19
π
︎ Apr 12 2019
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other,
βdo you know how to drive this thing?β
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 06 2019
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other: βDo you know how to drive this thing?β
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 01 2019
Two wind turbines were standing in a field. One of them turns round and asks βWhatβs your favourite type of music?β. The other replies...
βWell Iβm a big metal fanβ
π︎ 63
π
︎ May 08 2018
Two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 01 2019
Two muffins were baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other. βMan, itβs hot in hereβ. The other muffin says
Ahhhh! A Talking Muffin!!!!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 15 2018
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"
π︎ 105
π
︎ Jun 22 2016
There were two flies in the kitchen. Which one is the cowboy?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 13 2017
Two fish are in a tank and one says to the other
Do you know how to drive this thing
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 16 2017
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