I once knew a guy that liked to bask in the sun. He touched my circle of friends but did not enter it...
At the circus a midget touched my wife’s boob.
I think someone put him up to it though....
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
What did Einstein say when his student touched his watch strap
"Don't mess with the fabric of time!"
I just touched an electric plug
When I think about all the boobs I’ve touched over the course of my life....
It’s like a trip down mammary lane
There are extremely large bodies of water that have never been touched in any way before.
I guess you could call them the virgin seas.
I touched an old electricity wire
I'm CURRENTly shocked by how old it is
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."
"And he won?" I asked.
"Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk!"
I was visited by a local priest today, I was touched.
My friend got a paper cut in the chemistry lab and accidentally touched sodium chloride while trying to put on a bandage.
That's like sprinkling salt over your wounds.
My dad just touched my food. I said "don't touch my food I don't know where your hands have been" his response...
They've been on the ends of my arms as long as I can remmember.
An alternate world where it's illegal to make or even touch puns. Punsmiths are protesting against this.
There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.
I saw a guy going around telling people to touch a naked wire he has been carrying with him.
The easiest way to get in touch with inner self...
is to buy one ply toilet paper
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. He lost 20% of his touch.
Something's wrong with my touch screen.
I can’t put my finger on it.
Just saw a guy touch his cow's udder
Since I moved to a plant based diet I lost touch with the fun guys.
The guy who created the sign "Caution Do Not Touch" in braille,
In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.
Everything was comedy gold.
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
Why do bacteria wait 5s before touching the food?
they first have to skip an ad.
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
A genie granted me one wish. I wanted to be rich, but didn't want to deal with the IRS and decided I wanted wealth as I needed it. So I wished for the touch of Midas.
After that, everything I touched turned into a muffler.
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
My daughter had to stick her hand in a sack to try to guess the type of material by touch...
I'm selling my theramin...
... I haven't touched it in years
The invention of the shovel was just touching the surface of what today's is groundbreaking technology can achieve.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
I love watching touching videos of people helping each other.
I’m just afraid that it’s not social distancing.
I saw a sign that said 'do not touch', however there was something weird about the sign....
I couldn't put my finger on it....
Blonde: "Doctor, I have pain all over my body. Everywhere I touch hurts".
Doctor: "Your finger is broken".
Somebody touch a my spaghett
So if I set up touch ID on my phone for the same finger on both hands
Does it make it ambitextrous?
Uh...... Do I need to wash my eyes if I touch them
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
As an aspiring writer, I always make sure to proofread carefully
Otherwise, I might accidentally some words out
I told my son he's grounded
He was touching a copper water pipe and I'm an electrician.
I'd you ever need to get in touch with a bike company
Call me a thermostat because only my dad's allowed to touch me
I invented a new myth to delight my kids
There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.
Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.
What do you call an it teacher touching up his students..?
Why should you never touch an electric fence
“Don’t touch the blackberry cobbler in the kitchen!”
But that little man continued to make his little stupid berry shoes.
What does a 737-800 sound like when it bounces during touch down?
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
My father recently got a new tattoo
It was of a Thermos flask that he took to work
I was just checking it out closely, just then he said
"Hey, don't touch my Thermos tat"
Quick health warning: You can’t touch this.
I got in touch with my inner self today
Thats the last time I'm using one ply toiletpaper
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
"Don't touch" has to be one of the most terrifying things to read in Braille
My daughter absolutely cannot stand it when her toes touch the top of her shoes!!
She is very clostra-toe-bic.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta.
I’m feeling cannelloni right now.
I soda not see that comming
What do you get when you mix COVID-19 and Neil Diamond?
Sweeeet quarantiiiiine...
I respect anyone and everyone...
Who doesn’t touch the thermostat.
How does an orchestra keep in contact with each other?
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
What's the worst thing a blind person can read in Braille?
Don't touch them
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN they get VERY ANGRY.
Why do Jewish men get circumcised?
Because no Jewish woman will touch anything that isn’t twenty percent off.
After years in retirement, I lost all feeling in my fingers
you could say I am out of touch
Please don't touch my new tattoo. It's a little bit-saw.
I went to a car show in a huge warehouse and everyone was just touching all the cars filling the huge room...
It was wall-to-wall car petting.
Me: See? To prove I'm not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching its face
I’m reading a horror story in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it!
I was so happy when my toddler reached out and tried to touch Tom Cruise.
He's already reaching for the stars.
I tried introducing young people to 80s music especially hall and oats
I didn’t know i was that out of touch
A guy walks up to his son and says,"Son, if you don't stop touching yourself, you will go blind."
Son says,"Dad, I'm over here."
If you are cold, DONT TOUCH MY THERMOSTAT! Just move your bed to the corner of your room where its 90 degrees.
What card game touches your feelings the most?
I was teaching in the classroom when I suddenly started touching one of my pupils.
The itching in my eye was really out of control.
No matter how high you set the thermostat...
It'll always be room temperature
I love the way old and out-of-touch people try to sound cool when they use slang they don't understand.
I call it their "artifical hip".
I’m trying to sell my old Theramin...
I haven’t touched it in years!
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down...
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I don’t care that you’re cold and it’s -20 outside, you never touch the thermostat, kids go stand in the corner...
I'm thinking about selling my theremin.
I haven't touched it in years.
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward.
My last girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta.
Feeling cannelloni right now.
I'm thinking of selling my theremin
I haven't touched it in years
Your dad's an IT teacher who touches up his students.
They call him a PDF file.
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...
"Well…" he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."
"And he won?" I said.
"Well, no…" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk."
I got in touch with my inner self today
That’s the last time I’m buying cheap toilet paper.
I got in touch with my inner self today.
And that’s the last time I buy 1-ply toilet paper.
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