While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.

All You Need Is Lunch

Do You Believe In Life After Lunch

Lunch In An Elevator

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Couldn't understand why my dog was totally motionless....

Then I realised, it was on paws.

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I went totally bald overnight

You know what they say, hair today gone tomorrow

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yoru
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Yep, totally

-Why do you want a Ford?

-Because its af-Ford-able!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KermitxKermit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
totally not his fault, can understand
πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A Totally Not Boaring Fact About Pigs
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChumpsLand
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..

..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.

Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Totally not sponsored...
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Geert-Jan333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
such build-up, totally worth it.
πŸ‘︎ 247
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/12jd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I promised my classmate I’d stay totally still whilst he did his maths homework against my back.

β€œGood” he said, β€œbecause I’m counting on you”.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KikkoAndMoonman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Totally toasted
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vylexx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Totally white.
πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Account_Priv
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a totally wacky crustacean?

CRAYFISH

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordAutumnBottom
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Totally nuts
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nathandreoni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
He's totally losing his mind...
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/randomOmellette
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
She totally got boned.
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gradymegalania
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
geology totally rocks but geography is where it’s at

i’m new to this subreddit πŸƒπŸ½β€β™€οΈ

πŸ‘︎ 198
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kylopotato
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My son was born today (totally true story)

A couple of hours later, I text my wife

"I don't want to alarm you, but I'm the hospital"

edit: the original message

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Einstine1984
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I always hated my step-dad growing up. Now that I'm a dad myself, I can totally one-up him with DAD JOKES!
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KyronX
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend, who happens to be a female sheep, made a clone of herself and had sex with her clone. My entire friend group was totally disgusted, but I encouraged it, and said...

Ewe do ewe.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Youtuatoot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My job lets me take a week off as long as I live at the Sigma Chi house and totally throw down with the bros.

It's paid fraternity leave.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Frasier_n_Chill
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I finally found a book that I was totally glued to.

It was a family album

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Who would win between a totally white Dalmatian and a Tiger?

Well, certainly not the Tiger, because the Dalmatian wouldn't be spotted.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gradymegalania
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Which part of the alphabet has a totally unfair advantage?

The OP part. πŸ€ͺ

Came up with that myself tonight!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spamspamzoam
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I just bought a round of shots for everybody, but they're being totally ungrateful and saying they don't even have tetanus.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Dang_It_Bobby_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What vegetable is sorta rad, but not totally rad?

A radish

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
After ironing all my clothes I'm totally RAGged
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TOMdachi1231
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Totally menthol pun
πŸ‘︎ 503
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mairiphinc
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I totally understand those concerned moms talking about video games.

I mean, that epic music really is disturbing! So many sax and violins!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TomDaNub3719
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
People are saying these Hershey Kisses are totally pointless.
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YourBuddyMiles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I can't believe the girls at school can't wear tank tops, it totally violates the second amendment...

Don't they have a right to bare arms?

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Origamibyameer1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NhojGamingYT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Dude, she just totally checked me out.

Right after paying for our food at the cafeteria at work.

Co-worker about the woman working the cash register: "Dude, she just totally checked me out."

Me: "Yea she checked me out too. There goes $4.60."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/peeohpee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2015
🚨︎ report
I was totally ready to be God's son until I learned what it involved.

Really scared the be Jesus out of me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterCHayward
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Totally not stolen
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Two rivaling rappers, named Jim and Tom planned to meet up for a rap battle. Jim totally destroyed his rival.

Tom's fans didn't expect this kind of diss appointment.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Being totally shit with anything related to DIY

my whole family was completely shocked when I rewired the house!

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scabspoon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
this car is totally spoiled.... (x-post from /r/shitty_car_mods) imgur.com/GQeWQGd
πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cloneofcloneofme
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Paperbacks are totally spineless
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2016
🚨︎ report
[totally true story just happened to me:] *the setup* staying in an airbnb... another guest arrives, he is a neuro-surgeon from south korea... interviewing at UCSF - I built that hosptial, so said to him

Wow, neuro-surgeon huh... I'd like to pick your brain....

He did not get it...

(those type of pun opportunities dont come to mind that often...) ((another one bitches))

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarah_Connor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
🚨︎ report
This girl totally caught me off guard.
πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LambSteakk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
🚨︎ report
My neighbor stole my front gate and I'm totally scared to call the cops...

Because he might take a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Totally worth it (found on /r/cyanideandhappiness)

http://explosm.net/comics/4436/

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shroomenheimer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Bought my dad a new couch and he totally loves it.

Sofa so good.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joeChump
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I can't believe girls at school can't wear tank tops, it totally violates the second amendment

Don't they have a right to bare arms?

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Origamibyameer1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
🚨︎ report

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