While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.
All You Need Is Lunch
Do You Believe In Life After Lunch
Lunch In An Elevator
Couldn't understand why my dog was totally motionless....
Then I realised, it was on paws.
I went totally bald overnight
You know what they say, hair today gone tomorrow
Yep, totally
-Why do you want a Ford?
-Because its af-Ford-able!
totally not his fault, can understand
A Totally Not Boaring Fact About Pigs
Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..
..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.
Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
such build-up, totally worth it.
I promised my classmate I’d stay totally still whilst he did his maths homework against my back.
“Good” he said, “because I’m counting on you”.
What do you call a totally wacky crustacean?
He's totally losing his mind...
geology totally rocks but geography is where it’s at
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
My son was born today (totally true story)
A couple of hours later, I text my wife
"I don't want to alarm you, but I'm the hospital"
edit: the original message
I always hated my step-dad growing up. Now that I'm a dad myself, I can totally one-up him with DAD JOKES!
My friend, who happens to be a female sheep, made a clone of herself and had sex with her clone. My entire friend group was totally disgusted, but I encouraged it, and said...
My job lets me take a week off as long as I live at the Sigma Chi house and totally throw down with the bros.
It's paid fraternity leave.
I finally found a book that I was totally glued to.
Who would win between a totally white Dalmatian and a Tiger?
Well, certainly not the Tiger, because the Dalmatian wouldn't be spotted.
Which part of the alphabet has a totally unfair advantage?
The OP part. 🤪
Came up with that myself tonight!
I just bought a round of shots for everybody, but they're being totally ungrateful and saying they don't even have tetanus.
What vegetable is sorta rad, but not totally rad?
After ironing all my clothes I'm totally RAGged
I totally understand those concerned moms talking about video games.
I mean, that epic music really is disturbing! So many sax and violins!
People are saying these Hershey Kisses are totally pointless.
I can't believe the girls at school can't wear tank tops, it totally violates the second amendment...
Don't they have a right to bare arms?
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
Dude, she just totally checked me out.
Right after paying for our food at the cafeteria at work.
Co-worker about the woman working the cash register: "Dude, she just totally checked me out."
Me: "Yea she checked me out too. There goes $4.60."
I was totally ready to be God's son until I learned what it involved.
Really scared the be Jesus out of me.
Two rivaling rappers, named Jim and Tom planned to meet up for a rap battle. Jim totally destroyed his rival.
Tom's fans didn't expect this kind of diss appointment.
Being totally shit with anything related to DIY
my whole family was completely shocked when I rewired the house!
Paperbacks are totally spineless
[totally true story just happened to me:] *the setup* staying in an airbnb... another guest arrives, he is a neuro-surgeon from south korea... interviewing at UCSF - I built that hosptial, so said to him
Wow, neuro-surgeon huh... I'd like to pick your brain....
He did not get it...
(those type of pun opportunities dont come to mind that often...) ((another one bitches))
This girl totally caught me off guard.
My neighbor stole my front gate and I'm totally scared to call the cops...
Because he might take a fence.
Totally worth it (found on /r/cyanideandhappiness)
http://explosm.net/comics/4436/
Bought my dad a new couch and he totally loves it.
I can't believe girls at school can't wear tank tops, it totally violates the second amendment
Don't they have a right to bare arms?
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