I have a friend and every time I make a play on words he always makes a better one
I made a Venn Diagram to explain my pun usage...
So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.
The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.
Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg
My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.
I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.
My girlfriend totally changed when she became a vegan
It's like I never knew herbivore.
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
My friend Earl has a wife that is a bit obsessive about finding the total number of things in her everyday life...
If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.
All You Need Is Lunch
Do You Believe In Life After Lunch
Lunch In An Elevator
Couldn't understand why my dog was totally motionless....
Then I realised, it was on paws.
I totaled my Toyota the other day, and it burst into flames...
It was a gorgeous shade of red before; now it’s just a burnt Sienna.
I was part of a class and i total , we were 100 students. I walked up to the front of the class , and wrote :"balloons" on the white board. So...
The other 99 read balloons.
I think whoever made this book is a total quack
My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.
I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.
If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero.
But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get involved.
I bought a new clock. Total waste of money.
It’s spends all day doing tik toks.
Four Seasons Total Lawn Care created some good ones after the bizarre press conference Saturday such as "Lawn and Order" and "Make America Rake Again" - I don't see them using this one on their promotional materials though:
Breaking News. Total caos and panic as Germans are flooding supermarkets to buy sausages and cheese
That’s a wurst kase scenario
Don’t by anything made with Velcro.
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.
Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)
Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?
Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??
Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!
I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.
Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.
totally not his fault, can understand
I went totally bald overnight
You know what they say, hair today gone tomorrow
Yep, totally
-Why do you want a Ford?
-Because its af-Ford-able!
From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
A Totally Not Boaring Fact About Pigs
What should you do if you see a space man?
Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..
..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.
Poor dude must be spaced out.
such build-up, totally worth it.
I've offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.
I think she's going to take me up on it.
Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,
The cashier chuckled when he rang up my total.
I really wish he would stop laughing at me expense.
2020 can’t end
Because we’d be admitting 2021.
Crypto-currency has become so popular in Iceland that bit-mining has now overtaken the country’s music industry in total bandwidth usage.
This comes as little surprise however, as Iceland’s Björk has always been worse than their byte.
What language does an unhappy toddler speak?
I promised my classmate I’d stay totally still whilst he did his maths homework against my back.
“Good” he said, “because I’m counting on you”.
A total dad joke I made up last night- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?
More than 1 000 pieces of music by Johann Sebastian Bach have been preserved,
along with nearly 900 by Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, nearly 400 by Johann Christian Bach, more than 300 by Johann Christoph Friedrich Bach, and nearly 200 by Wilhelm Friedemann Bach.
Together with as many as 200 more surviving compositions by other members of the Bach dynasty, scholars estimate that about 3 000 works are preserved in total, a collection that we today know as the Baroque Bach mountain.
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
What should you do if life gives you melons?
Why were people so interested in plumbing during the 80s?
Because it was totally tubular
What kind of car does the moon drive?
There's just no reason for women to behave the way they do when they're on their period....
I was driving absentmindedly and my wife suddenly said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!”
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