I have a friend and every time I make a play on words he always makes a better one

Total pun-upper

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/yourmomophobe
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 09 2020
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I made a Venn Diagram to explain my pun usage...

So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.

The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.

Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg

My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.

I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/xahhfink6
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 01 2017
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My girlfriend totally changed when she became a vegan

It's like I never knew herbivore.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/pattersonjeffa
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 25 2021
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While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said โ€œShe obviously has COVID!โ€ โ€œWhy would you think that?โ€ I asked.

โ€œBecause she has no taste.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DinglebarryHandpump
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 13 2021
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My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DementedOak
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 19 2021
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My friend Earl has a wife that is a bit obsessive about finding the total number of things in her everyday life...

She's a countess.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 14 2021
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If you change word "Love" to "Lunch", you can totally change the meaning of a lot of songs.

All You Need Is Lunch

Do You Believe In Life After Lunch

Lunch In An Elevator

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/SplashbackDeuce
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 23 2021
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I mean... ;)
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/parth_shresth
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 20 2021
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Couldn't understand why my dog was totally motionless....

Then I realised, it was on paws.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 73
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 30 2020
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I totaled my Toyota the other day, and it burst into flames...

It was a gorgeous shade of red before; now itโ€™s just a burnt Sienna.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sully1227
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 27 2021
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I was part of a class and i total , we were 100 students. I walked up to the front of the class , and wrote :"balloons" on the white board. So...

The other 99 read balloons.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Bloodoolf
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 20 2021
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I think whoever made this book is a total quack
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TheSonsofAtreus
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 08 2020
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My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.

I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 83
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DaddyRecon
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 16 2020
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If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and youโ€™re a total hero.

But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get involved.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 62
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Rocknocker
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 19 2020
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Spotted...
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 323
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/taqueetahmid
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 27 2021
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I bought a new clock. Total waste of money.

Itโ€™s spends all day doing tik toks.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bigpapastu
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 19 2020
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Four Seasons Total Lawn Care created some good ones after the bizarre press conference Saturday such as "Lawn and Order" and "Make America Rake Again" - I don't see them using this one on their promotional materials though:
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/danarchist
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 09 2020
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Breaking News. Total caos and panic as Germans are flooding supermarkets to buy sausages and cheese

Thatโ€™s a wurst kase scenario

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Fabio2598
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 06 2020
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Donโ€™t by anything made with Velcro.

Itโ€™s a total rip-off.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 90
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/FoldaHolda
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 09 2021
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After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 58
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PrettyPeeved
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 28 2021
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Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 243
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/flash17k
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 09 2021
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totally not his fault, can understand
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 75
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Banoooooooo
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 25 2020
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I went totally bald overnight

You know what they say, hair today gone tomorrow

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/yoru
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 17 2020
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Yep, totally

-Why do you want a Ford?

-Because its af-Ford-able!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/KermitxKermit
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 09 2020
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From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/RuskiWafl
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 15 2020
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A Totally Not Boaring Fact About Pigs
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ChumpsLand
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 04 2020
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What should you do if you see a space man?

Park in it, man.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/bishslap
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 12 2021
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Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.

Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/tekprojekt
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 09 2020
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Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..

..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 36
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/HugoZHackenbush2
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 24 2020
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Poor dude must be spaced out.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BitchyOlive
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 15 2020
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Totally not sponsored...
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Geert-Jan333
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 16 2020
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such build-up, totally worth it.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 248
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/12jd
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 26 2020
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I've offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.

I think she's going to take me up on it.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 82
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 28 2021
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Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,

...would be preposterous

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/amar610
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 19 2020
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The cashier chuckled when he rang up my total.

I really wish he would stop laughing at me expense.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 56
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Duck_in_a_Toaster
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 01 2020
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2020 canโ€™t end

Because weโ€™d be admitting 2021.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/T_fiki
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 22 2020
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Noah it All
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 56
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/RogueDisciple
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 30 2021
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Crypto-currency has become so popular in Iceland that bit-mining has now overtaken the countryโ€™s music industry in total bandwidth usage.

This comes as little surprise however, as Icelandโ€™s Bjรถrk has always been worse than their byte.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ReviveTheCronut
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 10 2020
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Totally toasted
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Vylexx
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 27 2020
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What language does an unhappy toddler speak?

Whine-ese.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/GovernorZipper
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 10 2021
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I promised my classmate Iโ€™d stay totally still whilst he did his maths homework against my back.

โ€œGoodโ€ he said, โ€œbecause Iโ€™m counting on youโ€.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/KikkoAndMoonman
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 08 2020
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A total dad joke I made up last night- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

Eh?!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 54
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Mdooles11
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 26 2020
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More than 1 000 pieces of music by Johann Sebastian Bach have been preserved,

along with nearly 900 by Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach, nearly 400 by Johann Christian Bach, more than 300 by Johann Christoph Friedrich Bach, and nearly 200 by Wilhelm Friedemann Bach.

Together with as many as 200 more surviving compositions by other members of the Bach dynasty, scholars estimate that about 3 000 works are preserved in total, a collection that we today know as the Baroque Bach mountain.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/MetaEd
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 06 2021
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My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?

Twice dragons.

Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use โ€œWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internetโ€ and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) heโ€™s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouโ€˜s for the kind words and awards.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 298
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/jruff84
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 01 2021
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What should you do if life gives you melons?

Get your eyes checked.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/kdlaz
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 24 2021
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Why were people so interested in plumbing during the 80s?

Because it was totally tubular

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/patoreddit
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 06 2021
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What kind of car does the moon drive?

An Eclipse.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/JaykDoe
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 30 2020
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There's just no reason for women to behave the way they do when they're on their period....

Total ovary action.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 23 2021
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I was driving absentmindedly and my wife suddenly said, โ€œHey, you missed a right!โ€

I said, โ€œThanks babe. You Mrs. Right!โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 95
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 08 2020
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Totally white.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Account_Priv
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 18 2020
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