Because of his enormous debt, Old McDonald has to sell his farm.

To cover what he e-i-e-i owes.

πŸ‘︎ 442
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef

A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef. He invites 3 renowned chefs from all over the kingdom to serve him and the favorite will become the new royal chef!

The first chef serves the king an enormous rack of ribs. "Very impressive," said the king.

The second chef serves a huge steak, cooked to perfection. "So satisfying," said the king.

The third chef gives the king a plate with small rocks on a bed of shredded cabbage. "What the hell is this," the king asks.

The third chef says, "These rocks fell from the sky into my back yard. Indeed, ribs and steak are very meaty, but asteroids are meteor!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ppardee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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I used to not like this enormous cyst on my face...

But it's really growing on me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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My love for my wife is like the national debt.

It's enormous. It seems likes it's been around forever. It is growing every day. It's something that will be passed onto our children and grandchildren.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoetted
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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I had a Pelican curry the other night.

The food was ok but the bill was enormous.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elwheelio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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What do you call an enormous pile a cats?

A meow-tain.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tranelt
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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I found an enormous marine mammal that weighs 2.2lbs.

It's a kilo whale.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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Someone had the nerve to laugh at my enormous hands

I killed him with my bear hands.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moosenordic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
"I want a tattoo going down my spine, but I'll let you do anything you want," my son told the tattoo man. The tattoo man agreed to it and ended up tattooing an enormous gun my son's his spine.

Well, I guess that backfired.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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My daughter wanted to clean her cardboard rocketship with her face cloth...

Trying to reduce the enormous amount of laundry associated with kids,

I said, "you don't need to clean your rocketship. It's not dirty. Space is a vacuum"....

I could hear my wife's eyes roll in the next room. Success!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tren898
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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My local Chinese restaurant always puts up an enormous Christmas tree

My dad calls it the won ton tree...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Al3xleigh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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Sent a picture of my enormous pregnant belly to my friend.

Her comment:

"Looks like Baby is running out of womb."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/college_prof
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2015
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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When i was 5 i got granted a wish...

It was either to have an enormous penis or a fantastic memory, if only I could recall my response

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mex5150
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Got my boyfriend while cooking dinner

Me; just go drink a soda Bf; I can't, I'm out of soda. Me; oh, that sounds soda-pressing

My whole appartment groaned. Worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2015
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Tried a new item on the menu, Pelican burger.

It was great, but the bill was enormous.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Our bedtime conversation

Me: (enormous, burly fart)

Her: My god, that sounds like an animal!

Me: Yeah. It was a butt ox.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/julius_yang
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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A large gathering of priests and nuns arranged themselves to form an image of Christ visible from space...

But it wasn't for altruism of course, they all stood to make an enormous prophet.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phryxil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Did I ever tell you about the summer I spent circumcising elephants for the circus?

The pay wasn’t much but the tips were enormous

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squireshackleford
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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My mom's been cackling at this bad pun for three days.

So my front yard has a lot of weeds and crappy grass I've been trying to get rid of for years. They're mutants, so nothing will kill them. This year, one of the decorative rocks has turned out to be covered by a giant shroom as well. This thing is enormous. It has about a hundred different canopies, but as far as I can tell it's all one organism.

So I was talking with her about things I might be able to use to get rid of all this stuff, shroom included, and after she suggested a mixture of various household products I asked if it would work on fungus as well. She said it was worth a shot and asked why I wanted to know.

I replied, "Because that thing's just taking up way too mush room."

I was over it in a few seconds, but she's been randomly cracking up for days now. Send help.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Batshit_Betty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
🚨︎ report
London Zoo is beginning it's annual stocktake...

And the pelican keepers warn that they could be facing some enormous bills.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrplShrp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Construction with dad

Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them.

"Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall?"

"No, a fence."

"None taken."

He responded with a glorious eye roll. It said, "I'm proud of you, son."

πŸ‘︎ 486
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekhnomancer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
🚨︎ report
My wife and I went to a new restaurant last night, where they serve the flesh of exotic birds and animals.

We both decided to try pelican, which was absolutely fantastic, but the bill was enormous.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukhed69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
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An American man and his son went to Finland.

When they arrived, a cab driver greeted them at the airport. "What should we do on our first day here," the father asked his son, excitedly. The driver interjected, "Well, if you're not natives, I'd suggest the roller coaster that teaches your or language." Confused, the father and son look at one another then back at their guide. "Trust me," he told them, "It's guaranteed or your money back." Having no plans and now both understandably intrigued, the pair agreed. When they arrived at the roller coaster, they were amazed to behold the giant steel skeleton of the most intricate ride they'd ever seen. It had loops, helixes, corkscrews and drops more terrifying than anything they'd ridden back home. The son quickly rescinded his consent and turned you guys father. "There's no way I'm getting on that thing. You go first," he said, "Then you can tell me if it's worth it." Not wanting to seem a coward, the father accepted. Stepping into the first car, he seated himself. As the attendant approached to check his shoulder restraint, her couldn't help but ask, "So how exactly am I supposed to learn an entire language from a roller coaster?" The attendant smiled and replied simply, "You'll see." Anticipation turned to unease as the cars lurched upward towards the first drop. The seconds felt like hours as the car climbed higher and higher, clicking steadily while the chain pulled it skyward. As the nose of the car tipped downward and he could see the enormous drop below, his inner fear turned verbal. Without thinking he screamed, "minΓ€ kuolen!" As he rounded the first turn and into an inverted twist, he debut another exclamation well inside and burst forth. "naida!" He screamed as the ride continued. A few minutes and many foreign-tongued exclamations later, he found himself back at the station trying to catch his breath with the smiling attendant removing his restraints. His ran up to his son and declared, "It really works! I'm not sure how, but it really works!" "How was it?" the son asked unimpressed. "It was a wild ride from start to Finnish." "The son smiled weakly. "Yeah , the cabbie stole our luggage."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanMan0711
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife was upset that she couldn't find a hole punch...

I grabbed the paper from her, held it in front of my waist and said "say something sexy!" She did her best to cover her grin with an enormous eye roll.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2016
🚨︎ report
My favourite memory of grandad

I was visiting as a kid, and saw a bumblebee for the first time (which we didn't have where I grew up - just smaller wild bees and honeybees). When I remarked on how enormous the bees were here, grandad kneeled down with a twinkle in his eye and whispered:

"You should see the size of the rabbits!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plumber_craic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Wood Float

So when I was younger my Dad would sometimes make me a root beer float/ice cream float/coke float/etc. But one day my Dad asks me, "Hey do you want a wood float?" I'm not exactly sure what a wood float is, but my experiences with floats in general have gone AMAZINGLY well through this point in my life. So I say yes without giving it too much thought. My Dad brings me a glass of water with a toothpick in it. Enormous grin on his face. Very much the opposite on mine.

I now realize at the age of 26, that the only reason he ever made me the root beer floats and other floats, was just to set me up for one of the Daddest jokes of all time.

Having said that, I will be using this on my child.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guinos66
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
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All the world's timpani players are protesting against their working conditions

The strike will have enormous repercussions

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noradosmith
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2016
🚨︎ report
I heard my young son say a really big word and it surprised me.

He said, "Enormous"!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILikeLampz
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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