I can't believe how rapidly I went from having a complete and impressive mullet to being bald!

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
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Rapid Weight Loss

I lost 200 lbs of ugly fat in only 3 months.

I got a divorce.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/John1967miller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
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Rick Astley played β€˜Never gonna give you up’ while rapidly moving downhill sideways

It’s called Rick Rolling

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Assfrontation
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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In this time of crisis I believe it is our duty as a community to make a rapid respons team to help the rest of the world!

We will be known as the rapid respuns

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πŸ‘€︎ u/van_-Dam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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Why did the population of yeast grow so rapidly?

Because they bread alot.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aroused_By_Turds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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The egg population is rapidly declining

Be sure to watch out for egg poachers

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ethanholmes2001
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull...

It's just a berth mark, he swears.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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CDC is warning farmers of a new virus rapidly spreading among barn-cats and farm-dogs nationwide

They are calling it β€œWoof and Meowth disease”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-real-Morbo-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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Two men were caught in a severe storm

John saw a tornado out the window of Frank’s house and said to Frank

β€œJesus man! that’s an F5! We gotta get to cover Frank!”

Tornado rapidly approaches within 100 yards

John was looking for the cellar door and found 2 different ones

β€œFor Fuck’s sake Frank which is the best cellar!?”

With the tornado bearing down on them, Frank sprang into action and grabbed the latest James Patterson novel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudemansick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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If I told you I knew a convoluted joke about a golf club, a sheep, a stinging insect, a tree, and that scary clown movie...

Wood ewe bee leaf It?

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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My 8yr old daughter got me with "I can breathe under water"

She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theevildave
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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In the age of information, mathematician population is rapidly declining. We all need to make an effort to save them.

Every mathematician counts.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fluffymypillows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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You know what actually makes me smile?

My Facial muscles

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Allgen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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Herbal essentials

Noted researcher Rosemary Fuller was involved in a lab accident today. She's working on the theory that herb-based formulas can actually reverse or accelerate the aging process. Parsley, for example, has been shown to cause rapid aging, and recent efforts have shown good results with oregano-based anti-aging serums. Ms Fuller was, unfortunately, standing near a vat of simmering oregano serum when a nearby researcher nudged her and she fell in! It appeared at first that the anti-aging serum would cause her to de-age down to nothing. Now, though, it looks like she'll be all right. The Parsley's aged Rosemary in time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berenaltorin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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I'm going to start a store that provides rapid clothing alterations

I'll call it "Tailor Swift"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmellsLikeASteak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
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My girlfriend got rapid fire dadjoke'd by my dad and I

My girlfriend: My brother went to london when he was studying abroad.

My dad: Oh, what was her name?

Me: How long did one last him?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjeby3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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A local radio station in the Grand Rapids area recognized this sub today.

I was driving to school this morning at around 6:00 am, and I hear on the local radio station (Connie & Curtis on 95.7 in the GR area) and they started talking about /r/dadjokes. I thought that was pretty cool that this sub was recognized!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deathcube18
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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My YouTube video about Covid-19 is super popular.

It’s viral and spreading rapidly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EtraNosral
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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My dad's proudest moment

I was on a road trip with him and we were leaving Rapid City, SD, when we saw a billboard that said "Cowboy Pancakes: 99Β’"

He turns to me and says, "Cowboy Pancakes? They must serve those with maple stirrup"

He proceeded to laugh really hard and beat his steering wheel.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbouerfgae
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2013
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My Girlfriend is the best...

She has beautiful long black hair, flowing half way down her back...

Not on her head but half way down her back.

Her teeth are so even!

1, 3, 5, and 7 are missing.

At night I would take her into the corn field and kiss her between the ears...

One night it was extremely foggy outside and I mist.

Basically, you could tell she was a farmers daughter because it was hard to "a tractor"

Sometimes I call her (knob) because she is one to adore.

Even wrote her a song entitled "How can I love you if you never go away"

The best...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wicked-Spade
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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Monet and the Nose

A painting by Claude Monet was recently discovered. It's an illustration of a man's nose. The museum decided to title it Mon Nez

Explanation :

Mon and nez are respectively French for my and nose. If one pronounces mon and nez correctly, and rapidly, it sounds a bit like Monet (mo-nénè)

Edit: I made an error with the accents; chose aigu (Γ©) instead of grave (Γ¨)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteadfastDrifter
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
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Neuroanatomy professor dad jokes the class

He was lecturing on the cranial nerves, which do pretty much everything for the head. They control all 5 senses and motor output as well as some other non relevant stuff.

Professor: So class does everyone remember what the senses are?

Class: touch/pain, sight, hearing/equilibrium, smell, taste.

Professor: Does anyone know what the sixth sense is?

Class: (thinking hes serious) Guess random shit like magnetoreception.

Professor: The sixth sense is the ability to see dead people.

Class: combination of groans and laughter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/braaaaiins
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
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I moved to Iowa so I could

Cedar Rapids

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danlex26
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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My grandpa said he was going to get his license or die trying

He passed away waiting to get his picture taken

True story, he was known for rapid firing bad jokes. He had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Milwaukee Zoo. I think it was the best way he could have gone, pulling one last joke over on all of us. Figured you all should know some people are really committed to the r/dadjoke lifestyle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GingerBeardMan89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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My wife was a great dad this morning

In rapid succession this morning to entertain our 6-week-old, my wife says:

2 deer walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender says, "That will be 2 bucks."

A giant duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry no large bills."

2 rabbits are eating at a restaurant. One jumps into the other one's soup. The second one calls the waiter and complains, "There's a hare in my soup."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaferserene
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2015
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Last Summer With My Girlfriend

Last summer, my girlfriend and I went camping. One of the days, we were having lunch by a river (a kind of a picnic sort of thing). Now, I talk a lot when I eat, so she finished eating waaaaay before I did. Once she was finished, she took to the water to cool off while I continued munching away.

Now, I guess she must have slipped or something, because all of a sudden I heard a cry and she was just gone. Washed away. I saw her head bob above the surface probably 20 yards downstream, and moving fast towards some rapids (probably 100-150 yards away). So I'm pretty panicked at this point, but she manages to grab onto a low-hanging branch (just like in a movie or something). She's coughing and sputtering and hollering for help, trying to keep a grip on the branch.

So, I set down my avocado I'd been snacking on and walked out into the water. "hurry! I can't hold on much longer," she's yelling. I kept walking towards her, but the bottom of the river was so muddy that it was probably pretty slow. She started to get angry with me "SWIM over here! Why are you walking? Please hurry!" She yelled, with great urgency. All in all, it took me probably 8 minutes to cover the 80 yards or so to get to her. After I rescued her, she was super mad for some reason. She was all "I almost died, why were you going so slow? Who does that? What's wrong with you?"

"Well," I said. "Good things are worth wading for."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRiz89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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[META] A plea for real dad jokes.

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.

We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.

Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?

My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.

But that's not why I come here.

I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
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Just say "when"

My mom, dad and I were out at dinner and the three of us got Caesar salads. My dad gets up and grabs a pepper grinder, which is a long, waiter style grinder. He puts pepper on my mother's salad as I stuff my mouth with bread. He then asks like waiters do, "would you like some pepper, sir?". My mouth is full so I nod my head, yes. He says, "just say when", as he grinds pepper onto my salad.

At this point, I'm chewing rapidly so I can say something without choking.

"That's good"

"Just say when, just say WHEN!"

"Uh when"

Good thing I like pepper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tyrammosoreus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2013
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Even at weddings he is prepared.

We are at a wedding, the bride and groom have yet to walk down the alter when I look at my father...

Me: "Crap. How much time do I have to go to the bathroom?"

Dad: "Pee now or forever hold your piss."

All veteran fathers rapidly blew air from their noses.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_fatties
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2014
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Did a test for defensive driving

I had to do a quick test where one of the questions asked how humans normally breathe. The answers were; a) subconsciously b) rapidly c) under water or d) only when you need to

I answered c, and when the instructor told me I was wrong I replied that i thought my answer sounded a little fishy :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hammy_9
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2016
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So what do you want for Supper?

Darn teenagers.

Ask them what they want to do today... Answer: "I don't know."

My standard reply, "OK, we'll do that then."

Or "What do you want for Supper?" Answer: "I don't know."

Fine, I'll make you something so weird, you'll look at it, and you won't know what it is!

Sometimes I almost feel sorry for them.... The feeling passes rapidly...

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2015
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My dad at the car wash

Driving through the car wash with my dad. Leaving slowly through the rapid dry. Dad turns to me and says "Now that's a blowjob."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mvpete
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
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Was at the grocery store when a gentleman hit us with these

What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead I'll come around!

Why was the strawberry crying? Her mother was in a jam!

He said a couple more in rapid fire, we were groaning and laughing too hard to remember. He said Oprah told him to.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/licktapus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2015
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"How was the flight?"

The plane started losing altitude pretty rapidly at point during the flight. Thankfully, it was in a controlled manner, and only toward the end once we'd reached the airport.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadowthunder
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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Told my dad about /r/dadjokes...

I was on the phone with my dad tonight and telling him about this subreddit in response to something he had said. He started spouting jokes at me like rapid fire.

Dad: You know what would happen if the bassist from Led Zeppelin went on tour with the drummer of the Beatles?

Me: I dunn-....

Dad: They'd be John Paul Jones & Ringo!! You know who the hillbilly was that discovered the Beatles?

Me: Who?

Dad: Buddy Epstein [Buddy Ebsen/Brian Epstein]!!! Who was the first Beatle to orbit the earth three times?

Me: Oh, my God...John Glennon?

Dad: See? You should post those to your forum! These are all winners, here!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SarcasticVoyage
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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I just thought of the PERFECT name for a teenage boy band!

Rapidly Growing Members

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ilikecows13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2015
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Got one of my students the other day.

Context: I just put in my resignation notice at the school I work at, and word traveled amongst students fairly rapidly.

Student walks into room: "Say it ain't so, Mr. so-and-so" Me: " Oh man, I freaking love Weezer!" Confused looks were soon followed by groans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MabDarogan
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2015
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Geology Museum

So my dad and are touring a college in Rapid City, South Dakota, and we drove past a Geology Museum. He casually pointed it out as we had not noticed it before. I waited a few seconds, fully expecting a Geology rocks joke, but he was silent. I asked him why he didn't make a joke, as he is notorious for awesome dad jokes, and he looked at me and said, "I was going to but I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place." I just looked at him and gave him a fist bump. This is going to be a great trip.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/futuretrojan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2013
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My Dad made a good one today

My dad was in my car today and saw my USB storage drive in my stereo. The drive has a little blue light that blinks rapidly whenever there's data transferring, so it's constantly blinking if I'm playing music from it. My dad asked what it was, and I explained. He said, "I guess that's why it's called a flash drive!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicklikesmilk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
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Dadjoked at a theme park

While queuing up for a popular white water ride at a theme park over the weekend my girlfriend said "At least the queue is moving RAPIDly.."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattclegg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2014
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