What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?
An Uber. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Oct 08 2022
The 7 dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy
So happy got out and left
π︎ 996
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︎ Jul 19 2022
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records....
The librarian then asked me to take it out and leave before she called the police.
π︎ 26
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︎ Mar 08 2022
I've just received a phone call telling me that I've won either Β£200 cash or tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute act.
They said to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...
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︎ Apr 29 2022
How do you open a locked banana?
π︎ 18
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︎ Mar 12 2022
Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?
Because in charge of scheduling Yoda was.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 14 2022
I found a genie and wished to be hot and rich
I am now a bowl of beef stew
π︎ 23
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︎ Aug 20 2021
Who can drink 2 litres of gasoline?
π︎ 115
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︎ Jun 03 2021
Do you know why leather armor is good for sneaking?
Because it's literally made of hide.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Aug 01 2021
Where does a Cat showcase their modeling?
π︎ 13
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︎ May 31 2021
My favorite movie, without a doubt...
π︎ 18
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︎ Jan 31 2021
A joke about herd immunity isn't funny unless...
π︎ 21
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︎ Nov 20 2020
We live in a society
π︎ 4k
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︎ Aug 07 2019
The first day of flying class, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, βWow! What are all these buttons for?β
He said, βThey are used to keep your shirt closed.β
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︎ Nov 19 2020
Whatβs green and fuzzy and will kill you if it fell out of a tree
π︎ 50
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︎ May 28 2020
... Afraid not.
π︎ 38
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︎ May 10 2019
Your mom had to get a tuberculosis test for work. I guess we'll finally have an answer to the age-old question . . .
π︎ 428
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︎ Mar 22 2019
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing βDonβt stop Believingβ.
It was an unexpected Journey.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Oct 18 2020
Unexpected outcome
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Mar 17 2019
Why did 7 eat 9?
Because you need three squared meals a day
π︎ 32
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︎ Sep 18 2018
Knock, knock ....
"Who's there?"
The WHO.
"The band?"
Nope.
"Shit!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 01 2020
Since everyone has started washing their hands, door knobs just donβt taste the same.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 17 2020
π︎ 16
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︎ Jul 10 2018
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
π︎ 6
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︎ May 31 2020
Holy Shit
(n) /ΛhoΚli ΚΙͺt/ - Solid biological waste excreted from a cow in India.
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 06 2019
Did you guys hear about the knot contest?
π︎ 28
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︎ Jan 11 2014
When given the choice between two ways to get to the roof, I always choose the ladder.
π︎ 377
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︎ Apr 25 2018
My wife always skips a letter when she sings the alphabet.
π︎ 237
π
︎ May 22 2018
When I was 7, I cried when my dad chopped up onions
I miss onions, he was a good dog
π︎ 185
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︎ Aug 10 2017
I dirty dad joked my friend today.
We were talking about our plans for the night.
Me: "We should have the girls over tonight."
Him: "Foursome?"
Me: "Force 'em to do what?"
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︎ Jan 28 2015
Saw this on r/unexpected, thought it was funny so here we are :) Iβll be sure to add the link to the OG post in the comments incase you wanna see it
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 22 2020
My friend made a great dadjoke yesterday, here's screenshot of it
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 27 2015
Found on a funny train sort of post (will link in comments)
π︎ 10
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︎ Jun 19 2019
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