Something weird happened today. I went to talk to a friend, and he asked me to calculate arcsecant out of the blue.

He said "Gimme asec".

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pokefan713
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad sent me this one out of the blue..

A Mexican magician says he'll disappear on the count of three.

Uno... Dos... Poof

He disappeared...

Without a tres.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Apricorns
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"

Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.

Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/evilbrent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers out of the blue! They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Ugh dad, just out of the blue he sends me this. imgur.com/zv2rqTj
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coolchris731
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Out of the blue, I decided to take my wife to a commercial establishment offering health and beauty treatment through such means as steam baths, exercise equipment, and massage

You could say the decision was pretty spa-radic

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Avasnay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
"Happiness does not fall out of the blue, and dreams will not come true by themselves."

That's what Xi said.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mortambulist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad sent me this text out of the blue...I'm still not sure why he was watching Willy Wonka though.

"I was watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and it gave me a craving for a chocolate bar so I went and bought one. This is probably why I should stop watching Breaking Bad."

πŸ‘︎ 108
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vices_vipers
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Out of the blue: A dad joke from my teen-age son

We're in California, and the drought is on our minds as we approach what (in a good year) is the rainy season. As I checked the weather forecast, I gave a little cheer.

"Chance of showers this week!" I told my son.

"Well, for me, it's a 100% chance," he said. "Every morning, about 5:30."

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfComm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad just texted me this totally out of the blue.

What do you call a sleep walking nun?

A roamin Catholic.

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kartavicious
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad got me out of the blue

My Dad and I were taking about how my sister paid for her rent at college.

Me: "Well you don't have to pay anything for me anymore" (I'm on a full athletic scholarship)

Him: "I've gotta pay to follow you around to your games"

Me: "You do that of your own accord"

Him: "No, I drive an Altima to the games"

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nosliw54
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad doesn't do dad jokes, but yesterday he did out of the blue.

My dad and I were in the car and we stopped at a red light. A cop car shortly stopped to the right of us. Considering I don't see cop cars this close, I mentioned it.

Me: Hey dad look, a police officer.

Dad: Pah, he's not an officer.

Me: What do you mean?

Dad: He isn't in an office and doesn't have one. How could he be an officer without an office?

He says this all the while we're chuckling and I'm wondering if he has any other dad jokes. Good times.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/woflcopter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad said this out of the blue over dinner

My co-worker fired his gun up his chimney the other day. You wanna know why? Because his doctor told him to get his flu shot!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/laurenthespy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the German army not get presents from Santa during WWII?

Because they were naught-zis (Nazis).

(My 6 year old came up with this joke on his own out of the blue.)

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/talin342
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you spot a cultured Redditor?

The number of their blue cheese grows.

...I'll see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acres41
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple is sitting in the living room drinking beer

Out of the blue the husband says, β€œ I love you”

β€œ Is that you or the beer talking” asks the wife

β€œIt’s me” says the husband β€œtalking to the Beer”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The hardware store just told me they didn’t have any intermediate paint colors between green and violet.

That was out of the blue.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"

Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.

Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"

And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ancil5199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
[Request] Can anyone please help me come up with a business name that is a Bob's Burgers-level pun?

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.

Thank you in advance! πŸ”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EmElleGee31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A* Chemistry

I gave my students a periodic table test out of the blue.

They all got poor marks. I was so disappointed.

I thought we'd mastered the element of surprise.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coronabeer67843
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I need help with this riddle

Cant figure it out I do know it's a 2 word answer and it's a pun. The riddle is

Penguins blue, I love you. Penguins bare, sometimes wear. Please find what tops a penguins hair!

Hint: There only are a few of these. There are two words!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tea_baggins69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A lot of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend the artist told me he didn’t have any cyan, azure, cobalt, navy, royal, or sapphire paint.

That was completely out of the blue.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shimaxed
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Just yellow please

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,

"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."

The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"

The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."

To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"

"No son, I want this color."

"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.

By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.

The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrotalusHorridus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Granddad dad jokes the whole family

So we were visiting my grandparents, and just sitting down engaging in general conversation. Out of the blue my granddad announces "There's going to be thousands of people in Bristol tonight." My grandmother asks "Why?" He replies "Because they live there."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/a_knox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Accident with red blood to bring blue to the world.

It took an accident with red blood to bring blue to the world.

A pigment maker named Diesbach was trying to create a popular red out of cochineal, an insect still used for red dye in everything from lipstick to ketchup.

He added iron sulfate mixed with potash which we later discovered has a useful element now called potassium.

Anyway, the potash he used was contaminated with animal blood, which contains iron, and rather than creating red, he accidentally invented an affordable, long-lasting true blue.

When it came to making red pigment... he really BLUE it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/starzwillsucceed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Classic chain of dadjokes (no puns:

What animal can fly and eats stones? the flying stone eater.

How does an elephant come out of a river? Wet.

How do you stuff a giraffe inside a fridge? You open the fridge door, you put the giraffe inside and you close the fridge door.

How long does it take for a rock from the top of the Eiffel tower to fall to the ground? It doesn't, because the flying stone eater eats it.

What's green and smells like blue paint? Green paint.

What's white and can't climb trees? A fridge.

What's white on the outside, yellow on the inside, and can't climb trees? The fridge with the giraffe inside.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What's green, 40 feet long and hangs from trees? Elephant snot.

What's wet and has wheels? The elephant from the river, I lied about the wheels.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dronelisk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Star Wars Puns

From movie puns we provide you the funniest collection of Star Wars puns

What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber? A Sith-Kabob!


Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns? So it doesn’t Hang Solow!


Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money? Because he’s always a little short


What program do Jedi use to view PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi


What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets? Wookieeleaks


What do you call a Jedi in denial? Obi-Wan Cannot Be


Where does Princess Leia go shopping for clothing? At the Darth Maul


Greg: Which Star Wars character travels around the world? Craig: Who? Greg: Globi-wan Kenobi!


Matthew: What does a Star Destroyer wear to a wedding? Daniel: What? Matthew: Bow ties, of course!


Deen Why was the droid angry? Mark: Why? Deen People kept pushing its buttons.


Luke: Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? Lei Not sure. Luke: To get to the Dark Side.


Darth Vader: I know what you’re getting for Christmas. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.


What do Whipids say when they kiss? Ouch.


What is a jedi’s favorite toy? A yo-yoda


What do you call a pirate droid? Argh2-D2


Where does Jabba the Hutt eat? Pizza Hutt


What is Jabba the Hutt’s middle name? β€œThe” Why is Han Solo a loner? Because he’s solo.


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi What do you call a Sith who won’t fight? A Sithy.


What time is it when Darth Vader steps on your chronometer? Time to get a new chronometer.


What do you call a pirate droid? Arrrrgh-2-D2


Which side of a wookie has the most hair? The outside.


Where does Jabba eat dinner? Pizza Hutt


Who do Jedi call to help open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call someone that tries to be a Jedi? Obi-Wannabe


What do you call a bounty hunter from Alabama? Bubba Fett


What time is it when Jabba the Hutt sits on your blaster? Time to get a new blaster! Why is Luke


Skywalker always invited on picnics? He always has the forks with him.


Which imperial officer hated Thanksgiving? Grand Moff Turkeyn


What do you call stormtroopers playing Monopoly? Game of Clones


Why did

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Shirts and ties

Just got back from shopping for new work clothes with my girlfriend. She picked out two button-down shirts for me to consider. The first was a blue-green color. I told her it wouldn't work because it doesn't match most of my ties.

The second shirt was solid gray. "You could wear a lot of your ties with this color," she said.

"True," I said. "But wearing more than one would look kind of silly."

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spacecatapult
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
🚨︎ report
So there's this abusive boss at my Dad's work, right...

And he's not letting anyone go home at reasonable hours or take leave until the big project's . He's been working early mornings and late nights . It's been going on for weeks. they're all tired and homesick. I haven't had a meal with him at home all month which really sucks because he was a great laugh at dinner time. Even when I do see him he's too overworked to even think straight.

Anyway, yesterday Phil, one of his workmates had a brilliant plan.

He turned to my Dad and said to him; "I've had enough of this crap, I'm going home and calling in sick for the next couple of days!"

My dad is amazed. "Phil!" he says, "You can't do that - you'll get sacked!"

"Don't worry, mate," says Phil, "I've got it all worked out." tapping his nose. Out of the blue he reaches up and grabs the ceiling fan (It was off) and hangs upside down from it. My dad has no idea what's going on and tries to ask him, but Phil doesn't answer.

Eventually the boss walks in and asks "Phil - what the Hell are you doing?"

"I'm a lightbulb." replies Phil.

The boss is surprised and realises the guy needs to go home and sends him off for a couple of days. All of a sudden my Dad gets up too and walks away.

"What do you think you're doing?" says the boss.

"You don't expect me to work in the Dark do you?" replies my Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 126
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toggle2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
🚨︎ report
My jeans ran in the wash...

I got my white t-shirt out of the wash and it had turned blue. I told my mum that my jeans had ran in the wash and my dad said "ran where" followed by a massive sigh from me and my mother.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SAW25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Salutations for the Swedish pre-fab furniture store.

Took my wife and 3yo to the big blue and yellow today. Pulling into the parking my kid says "Dad are we there yet?" and I said "Yup...<start waving> "Hi-kea"! And she laughed and my wife groaned. Then about an hour later we were driving out, car's quiet, kid is nodding off..and I just say really loud..."BYE-Kea!!!". More groans all around. So yeah, kind of a daily double.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thedavemcsteve
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2017
🚨︎ report
From a random guy in a furniture store

This happened a few weeks ago. I had a little extra time at lunch one day so I decided to stop at a furniture store since we've been looking at getting a new couch.

I'm leisurely walking around the store browsing with my hands in my pockets when I see an elderly couple being shown around by the salesman. The old gentleman sees me and gets a smirk. He wobbles over too me, away from his wife and the salesman, leans in so only I can hear and, out of the blue, says:

"He who has his hands in his pockets has more on the ball than at first it would seem."

He smiles, says nothing else, and wobbles back. That put a smile on my face and had me laughing the rest of the day.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Woundedduk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2015
🚨︎ report
an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary.....

.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A lot of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
It was good when I got rid of my depression

Everyone said it was out of the blue

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/luke88mph
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.