I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
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︎ May 12 2021
I just told my neighbor, Mr. Claimer he was ugly, but not to get mad.
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︎ Apr 08 2021
I was so ugly as a baby
when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.
π︎ 18
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︎ Feb 02 2021
Mt. Rushmore rocks!
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︎ Mar 26 2021
When I was a kid, I was so ugly, my mother took me everywhere....
....just so, she wouldn't have to kiss me goodbye.
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︎ Feb 11 2021
It doesn't matter if you're beautiful or ugly because.....
At the end of the day it's evening
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︎ Nov 17 2020
She said "Why are you holding that ugly great bee?" and I said "It's not ugly to me"
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
π︎ 15
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Straight from my 6 yr old.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
Dino-snore.
I ugly laughed at this and she thought it was the best.
Edit: wow, thanks for the awards! I told my daughter she got 500 likes and she started dancing. Thank you!
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︎ May 15 2021
Feeling ugly? Work at a bee sanctuary and start helping the world! Everyone will think you are beautiful for that
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
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︎ Oct 15 2020
I personally think that beekeeper suits are ugly as hell, but hey...
Beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
π︎ 395
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︎ Aug 14 2020
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
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︎ Jan 13 2021
Whatβs ugly, stupid and delicious
π︎ 9
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︎ Sep 08 2020
I wish i could be ugly for one day
βcause being it everyday is just really sad.
π︎ 21
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︎ Aug 04 2020
What do you call an ugly photo of Angelina Jolie's ex-husband?
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 29 2020
Dad, I feel fat and ugly... Give me a compliment...
Dad: You have good eyesight !
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︎ Feb 03 2020
I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty.
Theyβre my last re-shorts!
π︎ 7
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︎ Jun 27 2020
I got called pretty today.
...well, actually, the full statement was βyouβre pretty annoyingβ, but I only focus on positive things.
π︎ 587
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︎ Jan 16 2021
I saw a really ugly painting in the museum
turns out, it was a mirror.
π︎ 4
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︎ May 25 2020
People only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me ugly and poor
π︎ 29
π
︎ Apr 11 2020
Rapid Weight Loss
I lost 200 lbs of ugly fat in only 3 months.
I got a divorce.
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︎ Apr 24 2021
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
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︎ Sep 01 2020
I was lecturing on the criminal law concept of hot pursuit, and I asked there were any questions.
A student asked "what if you're ugly?'
As an old dad, I was befuddled for a moment before asking "did you just tell a dad joke?" She grinned, and I commissioned her as a dad on the spot.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Someone named NaCl just told me I was ugly
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 04 2020
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
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︎ Dec 18 2018
My gf complained about our loud neighbours
Me: Then be as loud as them, it will cancel each other out
Gf: what kind of logic is that?
Me: Sound logic
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︎ Sep 19 2020
The teacher said, "you're ugly and you breath stinks like ass" as he changed my exam grade from A to D.
That was an awfully rude re-mark.
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︎ Jan 09 2020
Things are gonna get ugly
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 19 2019
Dad: Want to see a magic trick. Me: Sure dad... Dad: That pear is so ugly. Me: What, how is that a magic trick?
Dad: You know, dis-a-pear! Magic!
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 21 2019
I bought my wife a pug dog yesterday...
Despite the bulging eyes, horrible nose, weird ears and all round ugliness, the dog seems to like her.
π︎ 19
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︎ Jul 26 2020
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
π︎ 14
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︎ Oct 08 2018
Guy's doctor tells him he's sick. He says "I want a second opinion."
Doc says "Okay, you're ugly too."
π︎ 32
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︎ Jan 08 2021
Have you seen the clown that hides from ugly people?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 21 2018
How to call someone both pretty and ugly?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 19 2019
Russian COVID-19 Vaccine
Quick PSA: I had the Russian Covid19 vaccination yesterday and can tell you there are absolutely no negative sideffski efectovski secundariosvki ΠΡΠΎ ΠΌΠΎΠΆΠ΅Ρ ΡΡΠΎ ΠΏΡΠΎΡΠΈΡΠ°ΡΡ, ΡΡΠΎ ΡΡΠΎΠ΄Π»ΠΈΠ²ΡΠΉ ΠΏΠ°ΡΠ΅Π½Ρ. ΠΠ±ΠΎΠΆΠ°Ρ ΠΠ»Π°Π΄ΠΈΠΌΠΈΡΠ° ΠΡΡΠΈΠ½Π°!
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︎ Aug 15 2020
I realised I was ugly when ...
the Uber driver that dropped me off got a fine for littering
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︎ Jun 08 2019
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says βyou must be singleβ and I respond with βhow did you know?β
She responded, β because you are ugly!β
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︎ Jul 31 2020
Where does extra virgin olive oil comes from ?
π︎ 37
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︎ Nov 05 2020
A mom brings her baby to the doctor who says - wow, your baby is beautiful ! She says - thanks, but I'm sure you say that to every mom. He says - no I don't. She asks - what do you say if the baby is ugly??
Well, the doc says, I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and say - your baby looks just like you!
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︎ Oct 20 2018
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
π︎ 352
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︎ Jun 10 2020
If I had one wish, I would wish to be ugly for one day
because being ugly everyday sucks.
π︎ 42
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︎ Dec 16 2019
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
π︎ 15
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︎ Nov 14 2019
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
π︎ 24
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︎ Sep 25 2019
I wish I was ugly for a day.
Because being ugly every day is killing me.
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︎ Feb 04 2018
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me Ugly and Poor
π︎ 66
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︎ Dec 27 2018
Woman used to call me ugly until they looked at my money...
Now they call me ugly and poor
π︎ 29
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︎ Apr 26 2018
Women usually call me ugly until they find out how much money I make...
Then they call me poor and ugly.
π︎ 163
π
︎ Mar 25 2017
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