I have a friend and every time I make a play on words he always makes a better one

Total pun-upper

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourmomophobe
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a Venn Diagram to explain my pun usage...

So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.

The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.

Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg

My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.

I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xahhfink6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
🚨︎ report
The cashier chuckled when he rang up my total.

I really wish he would stop laughing at me expense.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Duck_in_a_Toaster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Totally not sponsored...
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geert-Jan333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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Totally toasted
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vylexx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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A total dad joke I made up last night- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

Eh?!

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mdooles11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
such build-up, totally worth it.
πŸ‘︎ 248
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πŸ‘€︎ u/12jd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What-a-rack! Made these for my boyfriend's birthday. Hope you guys like them.
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StarfleetRebel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The moon went totally dark the other night.

Don't worry though. It's just a phase.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Writingenuity
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a totally wacky crustacean?

CRAYFISH

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordAutumnBottom
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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Totally white.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Account_Priv
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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Burt: Ernie, should we go out for ice cream?

Ernie: Sherbert

EDIT: Wow, I'm amazed at the upvotes.. Totally made my day. I came up with this yesterday while staring at bees pollinating our flowers. Random.

πŸ‘︎ 864
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyhottub
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Row199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
read β€œtwix” in a child accent it makes the meme better
πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings

I have a complex complex complex

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesabermaniac
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

πŸ‘︎ 256
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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Nothing to this guy, but he's kinda an oxymoron
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/currentlyinlondon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A Panda Walks into a Bar

A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.

The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.

He approaches the panda regardless and asks, β€œWhat can I get you?”

The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.

The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.

The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.

But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.

The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, β€œWhy?”

The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door without looking back.

The bartender leans down and reads the entry next to Panda. It says…

β€œPanda: A wild animal that eats, shoots and leaves.”

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Donorob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Hey guys, my name’s Chad. I’ve been sober for 47 days now.

Not in a row or anything. Just... total.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gaaaaahhhhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, β€œIt’s psychic, idiot.”

πŸ‘︎ 381
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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I just got attacked by a gang of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

πŸ‘︎ 328
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigDaddyAlex7077
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend kept totaling his new cars.

until he tried a dodge.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LadenStarfish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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Totally nuts
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nathandreoni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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My friend, who happens to be a female sheep, made a clone of herself and had sex with her clone. My entire friend group was totally disgusted, but I encouraged it, and said...

Ewe do ewe.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Youtuatoot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was born today (totally true story)

A couple of hours later, I text my wife

"I don't want to alarm you, but I'm the hospital"

edit: the original message

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Einstine1984
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
She totally got boned.
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gradymegalania
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My job lets me take a week off as long as I live at the Sigma Chi house and totally throw down with the bros.

It's paid fraternity leave.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frasier_n_Chill
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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"Dad, I don't remember that guy's name, what is it?"

Mr. E.!

(Came to me in a flash, totally whooshed my son unfortunately)

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDDDouble
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The guy running my town is awful. He doesn’t respond to phone calls because he only works after dark.

He’s a total night mayor.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
This is a Fibonacci joke.

Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juhaodbrokule
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried introducting my girlfriend to IPAs but she still prefers Miller Lite

It's totally hopless

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/00rb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I always hated my step-dad growing up. Now that I'm a dad myself, I can totally one-up him with DAD JOKES!
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyronX
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Why wasn't the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I read you can buy half a pillowcase down at Bed Bath and Beyond!

Turns out it was a total sham

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guru_in_flannel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Long story about a tragedy that once happened to me.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
geology totally rocks but geography is where it’s at

i’m new to this subreddit πŸƒπŸ½β€β™€οΈ

πŸ‘︎ 202
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kylopotato
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Who would win between a totally white Dalmatian and a Tiger?

Well, certainly not the Tiger, because the Dalmatian wouldn't be spotted.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gradymegalania
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
This would be a total pane in the neck.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
He's totally losing his mind...
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/randomOmellette
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Which part of the alphabet has a totally unfair advantage?

The OP part. πŸ€ͺ

Came up with that myself tonight!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spamspamzoam
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...

... Totally in my Element.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Cheesin’

My girlfriend and I opened a new pack of pre-sliced cheese. As we’re munching, I hold my mouth in pain and say β€œOw!” She asked what was wrong and I said, β€œWell no wonder my mouth hurts, the package says this is extra sharp cheddar.” She was not amused

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?

They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cdheer
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
You know Orion's Belt?

Waist of space.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smudgedidit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I would not but anything that's Velcro

It’s a total rip off

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiwiboy0419
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Belongs bere
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flor1an_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Unintentional dadjoke when discussing the riots

I totally get the rage, I just don't get the Target.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I just bought a round of shots for everybody, but they're being totally ungrateful and saying they don't even have tetanus.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Dang_It_Bobby_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Very puny
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TriForceofGeek
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Ever have your kid come up with a better punchline than your original?

I went to ask my daughter:

Where do you park when you visit the moon?

(Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!)

But straight faced she replies:

Anywhere you can find space.

Then she grinned... (she knew what she was doing)... space dad. get it? in space....

Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
So, my mum lost a few hair clips...

I eventually found all three of them sitting on the hearth in front of the fireplace.

My dad, being the joker he is, promptly said "There's nothing I can say. In total, three clips on the hearth."

Your humour is amazing, dads

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squidinator69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally found a book that I was totally glued to.

It was a family album

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I once got to be in a submarine.

I was at an all-time low.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/savage13cabbage
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Just a reminder, don't buy anything with Velcro

It's a total ripoff!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/masterjon_3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
So the flounder was chatting with his eel friend and asked, "Have you heard about the new twin squid?" And the eel replied...

"Yeah, I heard they were totally i-tentacle!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Anybody heard about that bad batch of breakfast cereal?

It was a Total Recall.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakiray6
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
If Jack has three balls and Michael has two. How many balls do they have in total?

5, but Jack should probably go see an urologist.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redpandarox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What vegetable is sorta rad, but not totally rad?

A radish

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
After ironing all my clothes I'm totally RAGged
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TOMdachi1231
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I totally understand those concerned moms talking about video games.

I mean, that epic music really is disturbing! So many sax and violins!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomDaNub3719
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought some store brand spaghetti

It tasted awful, it was a total im-pasta.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigtone7882
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
People are saying these Hershey Kisses are totally pointless.
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourBuddyMiles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
What is the Italian surfer's favourite pasta?

Manicotti; it's totally tubular.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReigningDingos
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a brand-new top-of-the-line string trimmer of a guy on craigslist for only $20

it was a total Stihl

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrF4rtB4rf
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Just another viral rant.

All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. I’m absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, I’m constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. It’s a complete infestation of my personal space!

Let’s face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.

For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! It’s a scourge on what’s left of humanity.

So I say, it’s time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything we’ve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!

Happy quarantine, everyone!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daloonik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar

Gimli laughs and walks under it

πŸ‘︎ 462
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whoaswows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I was totally ready to be God's son until I learned what it involved.

Really scared the be Jesus out of me.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterCHayward
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Miners have been some of the most stubborn people I've ever dealt with

They've got total tunnel vision

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThinkOfANameHere
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between and hippo and a zippo

One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/felipe3241
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NhojGamingYT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avianthon
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I happen to have a pet Raven. Sometimes he's good, sometimes he's a total jerk. If I had to say something about what it's like owning one

I'd say it's got it's crows and caws.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BurningArrows
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Totally menthol pun
πŸ‘︎ 495
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mairiphinc
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
🚨︎ report
One of the most underrated animated films ever
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/punnettome
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't believe the girls at school can't wear tank tops, it totally violates the second amendment...

Don't they have a right to bare arms?

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Origamibyameer1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
🚨︎ report
delet this
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-litl-snek-
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.

It was a total naan starter.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/penultimate_polka
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled

I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctr1989
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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I pretended to throw a ball for my plecostomus, and he chased after it.

He's totally a sucker.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glt23
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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Totally not stolen
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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Why wasn’t the customer satisfied with the Velcro they just bought?

It was a total rip-off

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnjm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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In fantasy, there are a lot of different words for little people.

They have a totally different gnomenclature.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XaVierDK
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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I just found out I'm colorblind

It totally came out of the purple...

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Afalafgaming
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Total miss

I was watching curious George with the family last night and he was counting stars, 10 stars and 10 rows 100!

Teenage daughter: 11 x 11=122 12 x 12 =144

Me: that's gross

Everyone else in the room: no reaction, nothing, not even a look. I had to explain what was probably my best dad joke ever. FML

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πŸ‘€︎ u/radarrays
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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Being totally shit with anything related to DIY

my whole family was completely shocked when I rewired the house!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scabspoon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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Two rivaling rappers, named Jim and Tom planned to meet up for a rap battle. Jim totally destroyed his rival.

Tom's fans didn't expect this kind of diss appointment.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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I keep wanting to tell my daughter her boyfriend is a total creep

But then I remember I have to stop being so self-deprecating

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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I totaled my swedish car today...

But you don't want to hear my Saab story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thepopcornrider
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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Dude, she just totally checked me out.

Right after paying for our food at the cafeteria at work.

Co-worker about the woman working the cash register: "Dude, she just totally checked me out."

Me: "Yea she checked me out too. There goes $4.60."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peeohpee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2015
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Recently totalled my Truck into a Kia. Someone asked how bad was it?

It was a soul crushing accident.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/observer2017
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet.

It’s probably stuck in the mail.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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I can't believe girls at school can't wear tank tops, it totally violates the second amendment

Don't they have a right to bare arms?

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Origamibyameer1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
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