Totalness Puns

Total pun-upper

So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.

The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.

Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg

My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.

I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.

“Because she has no taste.”

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

All You Need Is Lunch

Do You Believe In Life After Lunch

Lunch In An Elevator

It was a gorgeous shade of red before; now it’s just a burnt Sienna.

The other 99 read balloons.

Then I realised, it was on paws.

I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.

But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get involved.

It’s spends all day doing tik toks.

That’s a wurst kase scenario

You know what they say, hair today gone tomorrow

-Why do you want a Ford?

-Because its af-Ford-able!

I think she's going to take me up on it.

Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...

..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.

Twice dragons.

Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.

...would be preposterous

Get your eyes checked.

Because we’d be admitting 2021.

I really wish he would stop laughing at me expense.

This comes as little surprise however, as Iceland’s Björk has always been worse than their byte.

Total ovary action.

“Good” he said, “because I’m counting on you”.

An Incommunicado

Eh?!

An Eclipse.

I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!”

I’m totally clean now, though!

...is something I can totally see myself doing.

If they fall forwards they will fall into the boat

My 11 year old to my 9 year old, as we drive by a cemetery on a hill : "i wonder why they bury people in a hill."

9 year old, in total deadpan: "because they're dead."

My quick reply of it being coaster celebrate was totally wasted on him, being only a toddler.

So remember, doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. When you're a dad, life is like a rolo coaster.

CRAYFISH

in which he lost his cool and had a total meltdown

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's totally pointless!

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.