My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DementedOak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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My friend Earl has a wife that is a bit obsessive about finding the total number of things in her everyday life...

She's a countess.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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I was part of a class and i total , we were 100 students. I walked up to the front of the class , and wrote :"balloons" on the white board. So...

The other 99 read balloons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bloodoolf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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I think whoever made this book is a total quack
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSonsofAtreus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.

I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaddyRecon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero.

But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get involved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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I bought a new clock. Total waste of money.

It’s spends all day doing tik toks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Four Seasons Total Lawn Care created some good ones after the bizarre press conference Saturday such as "Lawn and Order" and "Make America Rake Again" - I don't see them using this one on their promotional materials though:
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Breaking News. Total caos and panic as Germans are flooding supermarkets to buy sausages and cheese

That’s a wurst kase scenario

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fabio2598
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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The cashier chuckled when he rang up my total.

I really wish he would stop laughing at me expense.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Duck_in_a_Toaster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Crypto-currency has become so popular in Iceland that bit-mining has now overtaken the country’s music industry in total bandwidth usage.

This comes as little surprise however, as Iceland’s BjΓΆrk has always been worse than their byte.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReviveTheCronut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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A total dad joke I made up last night- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

Eh?!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mdooles11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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This would be a total pane in the neck.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
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Why wasn't the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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If Jack has three balls and Michael has two. How many balls do they have in total?

5, but Jack should probably go see an urologist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redpandarox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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Total miss

I was watching curious George with the family last night and he was counting stars, 10 stars and 10 rows 100!

Teenage daughter: 11 x 11=122 12 x 12 =144

Me: that's gross

Everyone else in the room: no reaction, nothing, not even a look. I had to explain what was probably my best dad joke ever. FML

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πŸ‘€︎ u/radarrays
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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I happen to have a pet Raven. Sometimes he's good, sometimes he's a total jerk. If I had to say something about what it's like owning one

I'd say it's got it's crows and caws.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BurningArrows
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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I keep wanting to tell my daughter her boyfriend is a total creep

But then I remember I have to stop being so self-deprecating

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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I have done a total of 3,167 Algebra II problems in my life.

I know because I keep a log.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wyxlor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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It's a shame we're only seventeen people in total. If we had one more person we could go to the club

Because we need to be 18 to enter

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
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When a parrot causes complete and total Destruction

It's a macawpalypse!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshWithaQ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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My town's local art festival this weekend missed an opportunity to call itself Total Eclipse of the Art.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HyperFrosting
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
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I have 2 coins in my hand with a total value of 6 cents, and one of the coins isn't a nickel.

The other one is.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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Ugh... I bought some Velcro shoes today, but they were a total rip-off
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shurgery
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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Buying groceries for Thanksgiving with my girlfriend and our total was $106.66...

...The number of the Feast

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pantera90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
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My unborn child is a total slob...

I keep having to yell at her to clean up her womb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/numonestun
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2017
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The cashier said the total was "$16.01"

I said "Good year!" He replied asking "Really?" I told him "Well, out of all the years during the 1600s, that was the 1!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justgentile
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
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Roger Federer is a total dad.

https://i.imgur.com/xcCcI.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bagz118
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2015
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Total groan

Context: my SO is a cop

We r eating lunch and talking about his his night a work was and what happened. Then he stops and gasps! Me: what? Him: did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? Me: no, why? Him: they each got six months

He was so pleased with himself! Dad joking pro in the making

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Msillegallee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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