I have a friend and every time I make a play on words he always makes a better one

Total pun-upper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourmomophobe
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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I made a Venn Diagram to explain my pun usage...

So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.

The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.

Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg

My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.

I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xahhfink6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
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If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero.

But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get involved.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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I think whoever made this book is a total quack
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSonsofAtreus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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I bought a new clock. Total waste of money.

It’s spends all day doing tik toks.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Four Seasons Total Lawn Care created some good ones after the bizarre press conference Saturday such as "Lawn and Order" and "Make America Rake Again" - I don't see them using this one on their promotional materials though:
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Breaking News. Total caos and panic as Germans are flooding supermarkets to buy sausages and cheese

That’s a wurst kase scenario

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fabio2598
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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I went totally bald overnight

You know what they say, hair today gone tomorrow

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoru
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RuskiWafl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Yep, totally

-Why do you want a Ford?

-Because its af-Ford-able!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KermitxKermit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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I paid to get my leg amputated and they use blunt instruments....it was a total rip off.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Monkey-D-Danos
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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totally not his fault, can understand
πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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A Totally Not Boaring Fact About Pigs
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChumpsLand
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Poor dude must be spaced out.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BitchyOlive
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..

..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,

...would be preposterous

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amar610
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.

Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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2020 can’t end

Because we’d be admitting 2021.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T_fiki
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Crypto-currency has become so popular in Iceland that bit-mining has now overtaken the country’s music industry in total bandwidth usage.

This comes as little surprise however, as Iceland’s BjΓΆrk has always been worse than their byte.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReviveTheCronut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Totally not sponsored...
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geert-Jan333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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The cashier chuckled when he rang up my total.

I really wish he would stop laughing at me expense.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Duck_in_a_Toaster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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I promised my classmate I’d stay totally still whilst he did his maths homework against my back.

β€œGood” he said, β€œbecause I’m counting on you”.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KikkoAndMoonman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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Furiously honks car horn in the middle of no where without a car in sight.

Kids: looks up from their phones, β€œwhy did you do that for?”

Dad: β€œto scare away the elephants!”

Kids: β€œwhat elephants?!!”

Dad: β€œsee it’s working!”

β€”β€”

Thank you! Thank you very much!

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crewthsr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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such build-up, totally worth it.
πŸ‘︎ 247
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πŸ‘€︎ u/12jd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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You know, people say they pick their nose...

But I was just born with mine?

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Totally toasted
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vylexx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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A total dad joke I made up last night- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

Eh?!

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mdooles11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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What do you call a medical fish?

Sturgeon general

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToxicSamurai
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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What do you call a totally wacky crustacean?

CRAYFISH

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordAutumnBottom
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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Totally white.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Account_Priv
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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Why were all the monsters in Monsters Inc. gay?

Because they all came out of closets.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SMontes999
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

πŸ‘︎ 681
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAbout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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I don't understand why people buy velcro shoes.

It's a total ripoff!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YaBoiSav
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I told my wife that I would never take her for granite.

Though, I probably would for marble.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhench78
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off!!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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The guy who lost the fishing competition was really upset.

He was totally out of line.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgetrandy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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With the McRib re-released a couple of days ago, I did this at McDonalds drive-thru today:

Me: Do you have Mac Rib in that special box.

Order Girl: Yes, yes we do.

Me: You should let him out. And I'll take three of them and a large fry.

(I was the only one that laughed, she just read back my total)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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I was tired of quarantine so I decided to go out and start skateboarding.

Now I’m totally sick, bro! 🀘🀘🀘

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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What-a-rack! Made these for my boyfriend's birthday. Hope you guys like them.
πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StarfleetRebel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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I recently had a fellow knocking door to door asking for donations for our local pool...

I was happy to give him a full glass of water to help!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pyrojodge
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Why didn’t the old man want to join the socialist party?

Because he was antisocial

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eagle4523
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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β€œBack in the day...” my dad started to say. β€œYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...

β€œWherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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Totally nuts
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nathandreoni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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Someone Placed Scatological Humor Above Puns on a Humor Hierarchy Today

I would've complained, but it seemed like more of a fecal matter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pfheonix
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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read β€œtwix” in a child accent it makes the meme better
πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Row199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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She totally got boned.
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gradymegalania
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
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