Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of tight spaces at Christmastime?

He had Santa Claustrophobia.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyBullJones
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make Dracula action figures.

I have to make every second Count.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fear of Germans in tight spaces?

Klaustrophobia

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.

And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skullchin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Introducing the new rhyme speaking Green Onion with the super tight back beat! Please welcome the one! The only---

Rapscallion!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Sleep tight
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scaulbylausis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my wife β€œI hate to tell you this babe, but your bathing suit is too revealing and tight”

She said β€œthen wear your own one then”

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze ?

A Shoe.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
As we were getting ready to go to the beach, I reluctantly said to my wife, "I hate to say this honey, but your bikini is kinda tight and revealing." She giggled and said...

"Well then, you'd better wear your own!"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
(I made this one myself) what do you call two men boxing on a tight rope

Punchline

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trumpigator38
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty.

They’re my last re-shorts!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister fell in love with a welder.

She got burned

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josentangles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
NFL players are greedy.

They’re always trying to get the quarterback.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an old lady in a tight spot?

Cram-ma

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carnival_k
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?

No ballroom

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpecOpsAlpha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Brining pickles makes them last much longer than fresh cucumbers, but packing them in air-tight containers…

That's what really seals the dill.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Who_GNU
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm so ready to be a dad

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?

Claw-strophobic

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/floof_sheep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
why did the cannibal eat the tight rope walker first thing in the morning?

it's all part of a balanced breakfast.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasismyname_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My significant other
πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vaselv4evr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What car was in bible times?

Honda, because the disciples were all β€˜in one accord.’

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glitterypainter
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do a walrus and a Tupperware buyer have in common?

They’re both looking for a tight seal

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daddymcdadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia

Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?

πŸ‘︎ 172
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKO-Cutter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Son, make sure you have held your beer tightly ...

... it is quite hoppy

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rawSingularity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
When you’re sliding in to first and you feel your britches burst...

You should have bought a high quality denim jean with plenty of room for your legs. Those tight jeans are just not practical.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devnodegree
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Son, hold on tight to your beer ...

... it is very hoppy

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rawSingularity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
So I came up with a comic strip about some overweight guy trying to buy some tight pants.

And the publishers told me that " It's a stretch."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FurriesRGay14
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I have tight too diabetes

I've been eating a lot of candy and when I put any clothes on I say "these are tight too!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CudaRavage
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
People that hand make wool sweaters are part of a tight knit group.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I tried wearing tight jeans once

I couldn't pull them off.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Tight leather jackets are hard to pull off.
πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/enhancin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2015
🚨︎ report
What does Eminem and Tutankhamun’s embalmer have in common?

They are both tight rappers.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cauterberri
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My son just lost a tight race in his primary election after I was physically withheld and denied the right to vote.

Sucks. He would have made a great second grade treasurer.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I was doing some research on how to rotate a toilet in a tight space and saw this old man.

https://i.imgur.com/gmTr0p8.png

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/burnsz11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My brother and I make Dracula action figures for a living, and we are on a really tight deadline.

I have to make every second Count.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.

I have to make every second Count.

πŸ‘︎ 435
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make Dracula action figures.

I have to make every second Count.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought really tight shirt would look good on me

But I just couldn't pull them off

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YottaDren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the lion eat the tight rope walker?

He wanted a balanced meal.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/taylyn_conner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the circus lion eat the tight rope walker?

He needed a balanced meal

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaquielleOFeel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the lion eat the tight rope walker?

He wanted a balanced breakfast

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwesomeGuyGaming
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
🚨︎ report

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