What do you call a miserly person's valet?

A Scrooge driver

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ognits
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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I failed miserably trying to make the nurse laugh while getting my first dose of the vaccine.

She told me to come back in a month for another shot.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatDubzz
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
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I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it failed miserably.

Good players are hard to find.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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My wife's home birth went miserably...

I guess you could say there was a midwife crisis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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I took Binary 101 last semester, but failed it miserably.

Turns out it was a level 5 course.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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I’m sorry for such a miserable post
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghost_Reaper123
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Started a business selling highlander themed masks but it failed miserably.

Apparently, their can be only one.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Clairvoyants are either really miserable or really angry

There is no happy medium

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills

But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Icarus flew too close to the sun and failed miserably.

What a soar loser.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Why is an unpaid debt so miserable?

Because it’s always a loan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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Second Try! Hopefully I don't fail miserably like last time

Ask me if I'm a truck!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JOKENON
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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Never let a miserable man bake a cake.

It'll only end in tiers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drondol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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I started a website with a collection of jokes for kids, but it failed miserably.

It turns out no one wants to visit www.kidslaughter.com

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
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My wife asked me why I always look so miserable when I get back from the blood bank...

It's because I'm A- donor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterOfTheMeme
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
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I decided to make some chai tea the other day but I failed miserably. It tasted awful and burnt. But then I reminded myself...

If at first you can't make tea, chai, chai, again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MandolinMusic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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Ebenezer Scrooge was such an able miser.

That's probably why he was so miserable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/golobulous61
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
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I just saw Les Miserables in the theatre

Personally I think the whole rebellion thing was staged

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πŸ‘€︎ u/taaffe7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
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I was driving this morning when I saw this tow truck driver sobbing uncontrollably and looking miserable.

I thought to myself, β€œThis guy is heading for a breakdown.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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Saw this on FB and had to share

A bus full of housewifes going on a picnic, suddenly fell into a river... they all tragically died.

Each husband cried for a week straight, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.

When asked why he missed his wife so much, he replied miserably: β€œMy wife missed the bus!!!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ir9199
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Postal workers are always so miserable.

You would be too if you were lugging around never-ending chain mail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Manartguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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My friend was absolutely miserable when he lost his sense of smell.

Oh boy, he went on quite the de-ordor rant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/memethetics
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2017
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People always tell me that my dog Polly looks miserable when she's asleep..

But she's actually really happy, she just has resting bitch face

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SchwiftyInHere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2016
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People named Victor must be very successful historians.

Because history is always written by the Victor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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I saw Les Miserables the other day and was disappointed...

There wasnt a single sad lesbian in that play.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoCommenting
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2014
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My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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The Dad , the Daughter and her prayers.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says β€œGod bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, β€œGood bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, β€œJust because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, β€œGod bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, β€œJust because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, β€œGod bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. β€˜I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, β€œWhere have you been?!” and the husband says, β€œOh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, β€œYour days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HereIsAFookinName
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his miserable summer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awburrou
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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I think my friend is having an affair with my wife

He seems miserable lately

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twisted_Taterz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Wow I was a wreck last night -- t-shirt under sweat clothes, under two cotton sheets, under a polypropylene comforter, and a quilt on top of that! I could NOT get warm!

I can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I didn't have that can of Pringles in the cupboard....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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My Favorite Wall

Person 1: "Would you prefer to sleep? Don't make yourself miserable on my account; I can always talk to my favorite wall (the one across from my bed)."

Person 2: "5-10 more minutes and I'll probably leave you, Im sure your wall would like some quality time with you too"

Person 1: "Yeah, he's been a bit neglected recently. I should maintain our relationship so he doesn't leave; I'd be crushed if he did."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OfTheWhat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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What did the Italian say after the hailstorm?

"My car! Itsa Al Dente!"

This failed miserably in r/jokes so it should be a raging success here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joea90
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
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Talk with my son...

Had this conversation with my son last night, he's been on a dad joke kick for the last six months, most of the time they fail miserably.

Son: Dad, do you know what a good noun is?

Me(rolling eyes, knowing where this is going): No, what?

Son: a Pronoun.

Me (with all seriousness): Bud, that was terrible.

Son: You know what else is terrible?

Me (wishing this was over): Ugg, What?

Son: Paper.

Dear Son, you ever read this I couldn't have been more proud. You had me giggling the rest of the night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/comiccaper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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Everyone keeps talking about some dude named Les who is really sad and I’m hoping to meet him soon and cheer him up.

Then he will be.......Les Miserable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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What’s a good book to cure depression?

Les miserables

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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what is the best way to compare Russel Crowe's acting to his singing?

less miserable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/readyff
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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When I mentioned to my dad that my friend was adopted...

Dad: You know you were adopted too, right?

Me (8 years old): I was?!

Dad: Yeah, but you were such a miserable kid they made your mom and I take you back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LostCauseway
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2013
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Is this a pun, per se?

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with herβ€”waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to popβ€”she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, β€œOmigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

β€œWell, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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[request] cookbook/Christmas pun

Got a cookbook for my mother in law for Christmas. It hasn't come in the mail yet so we're printing out a picture of it and wanted to include pun on it, but husband and I are failing miserably. Help?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/merrma
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2016
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My pregnant wife was complaining to me today

"I'm miserable."

"Hi Ms. Erable, I'm George"

No response.

http://imgur.com/EdBbSIS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/R-U
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2016
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I signed up for a Binary 101 class, but I failed it miserably.

Turns out it’s a Level 5 course.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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My idea of a professional Hide and Seek tournament failed miserably.

Good players are hard to find.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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