Miserly Puns

A Scrooge driver

She told me to come back in a month for another shot.

Good players are hard to find.

I guess you could say there was a midwife crisis.

Turns out it was a level 5 course.

Apparently, their can be only one.

There is no happy medium

But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.

What a soar loser.

Because it’s always a loan

Ask me if I'm a truck!

It'll only end in tiers.

It turns out no one wants to visit www.kidslaughter.com

It's because I'm A- donor

If at first you can't make tea, chai, chai, again.

That's probably why he was so miserable.

Personally I think the whole rebellion thing was staged

I thought to myself, “This guy is heading for a breakdown.”

A bus full of housewifes going on a picnic, suddenly fell into a river... they all tragically died.

Each husband cried for a week straight, but one husband continued for more than two weeks.

When asked why he missed his wife so much, he replied miserably: “My wife missed the bus!!!”

You would be too if you were lugging around never-ending chain mail.

Oh boy, he went on quite the de-ordor rant.

But she's actually really happy, she just has resting bitch face

Because history is always written by the Victor.

There wasnt a single sad lesbian in that play.

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

To make up for his miserable summer.

He seems miserable lately

I can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I didn't have that can of Pringles in the cupboard....

Person 1: "Would you prefer to sleep? Don't make yourself miserable on my account; I can always talk to my favorite wall (the one across from my bed)."

Person 2: "5-10 more minutes and I'll probably leave you, Im sure your wall would like some quality time with you too"

Person 1: "Yeah, he's been a bit neglected recently. I should maintain our relationship so he doesn't leave; I'd be crushed if he did."

"My car! Itsa Al Dente!"

This failed miserably in r/jokes so it should be a raging success here.

Had this conversation with my son last night, he's been on a dad joke kick for the last six months, most of the time they fail miserably.

Son: Dad, do you know what a good noun is?

Me(rolling eyes, knowing where this is going): No, what?

Son: a Pronoun.

Me (with all seriousness): Bud, that was terrible.

Son: You know what else is terrible?

Me (wishing this was over): Ugg, What?

Son: Paper.

Dear Son, you ever read this I couldn't have been more proud. You had me giggling the rest of the night.

Then he will be.......Les Miserable.

Les miserables

less miserable

Dad: You know you were adopted too, right?

Me (8 years old): I was?!

Dad: Yeah, but you were such a miserable kid they made your mom and I take you back.

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with her—waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to pop—she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, “Omigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

“Well, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

Got a cookbook for my mother in law for Christmas. It hasn't come in the mail yet so we're printing out a picture of it and wanted to include pun on it, but husband and I are failing miserably. Help?

"I'm miserable."

"Hi Ms. Erable, I'm George"

No response.

http://imgur.com/EdBbSIS

Turns out it’s a Level 5 course.

Good players are hard to find.