If we wanted evangelical Christians to take the pandemic as a serious threat...

... we should have called it the Quran-o-virus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ballpressure
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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The secret service has a new protocol if there's a threat in the room with the president

They used to yell down. Now it's

"Donald duck!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boreddudemo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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I received a verifiable threat against my Boston cream pie

So I had it placed in protective custardy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeisureSuitLaurie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Why are my threats about farts so dangerous?

I always follow through

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FurryBubble
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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My calendar took it as a threat

When I told it that it's days are numbered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patricktoba
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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I started getting death threats after wearing paper towels for a hat...

Apparently there's a Bounty on my head

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeLittleMan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2017
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I received a threat that I would be thrown from a cliff

It was a bluff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tatjewed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
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The National Security Agency has intercepted a series of credible threats against Santa.

They have asked for help from the Department of Ho Ho Homeland security.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drwheatie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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Once considered to be holding funerals near a dead crow, now evidence indicates that crows may be examining the body and surrounding area for potential threats to the flock.

It's a murder investigation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
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I just heard there was a bomb threat at Legoland…

Well, if there was one place that was easy to rebuild…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2017
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Why did Democratic senators boycott the nomination of the new Supreme Court justice?

They just couldn’t Barrett.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BornOfAVegan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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TIL that during the making of Monty Python's Holy Grail, a crazed gunman got on set.

John Cleese and Graham Chapman were terrified for their lives, but it turned out the guy was just making Idle threats

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mecoptera2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..

.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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Watch out! r/puns is in danger

r/punpatrol

r/punKGB

r/Pun_Internal_Affairs

r/punspecialforces

These are the names of our oppressors! There may be more, but they are our greatest threat. They are currently amassing an army to try to end puns as we know it.

If we are to save this beautiful form of our language, than we must unite! We must not divide ourselves by titles, but unite ourselves as punners!

They plan on eradicating all puns by going to the source, the pun user. Are we to let ourselves be undermined by those who think they are better than us? Are we to let ourselves and all future generations be banned from puns? If you say no, then join in the revolt

##VIVA LA R/PUNS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyThunderStorm22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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My dad is perfect for this subreddit

Just discovered this subreddit, so no I'll share some of my ole' dad jokes.

So, my mom is upset at my dad because he didn't get her a 25th anniversary ring.

Mom - "I can't believe you didn't get me a ring. Listen, if I am the one to die first, and you remarry, which I would be fine with, and then you get your second wife a 25th anniversary ring, I will come back and haunt you."

My father ponders this threat, and after a short pause, he looks at her and...

Dad - "Tell me, how would that be any different than now?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/logancook44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2013
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What do you call a dangerous bride?

A thinly veiled threat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perse95
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2017
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One time, this mobster told me that I'd be sleeping with the fishes.

I didn't realize it was a threat. I thought he meant I would take part in a mermaid orgy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scarlet_Spectre
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2017
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Did you ever hear about the tree who threatened people?

He never followed through with his threats. He had more bark than bite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Laser_Spell
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
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My theatre dadjoke

So I just realized that my "epic" theatre joke is also a dadjoke.

Now this requires some explaining before I get to the joke. I just completed my 55th theatre production - mostly community theatre; most designing and running sound, but I get on stage sometimes. A decade or so ago, I came up with a terrible pun. Told it, got groans, and promptly forgot about it.

A production or two later, someone said - "Hey, aren't you going to tell your joke?" It took a little prompting to remind me of it. Once I was reminded, I told the joke - to more groans.

I enjoyed the groans so much - and was touched that someone remembered the joke that I'd forgotten. So I did decide it was going to forevermore be: THE JOKE.

So the NEXT production, I started warning people that "The Joke" was coming. One or two remembered the previous time I'd told it, and reacted - "Oh god. Please no."

So now it has truly become a thing. Every production I'm in, I start reminding people that The Joke is coming, and the reactions from those who know the joke really help set up the anticipation.

So finally it happens. Most theatre productions I've been in run Fri-Sat-Sun performances. And thus, as I explain, I can only tell The Joke after the last Friday night's performance ends, and before the last Saturday's performance begins. It shifts if the days are different because The Joke depends on the number of remaining shows.

So, finally that time period comes, and I explain that I can only tell the joke during that time period, only the once per production - from auditions to strike - and that we're in that period of time.... which is known as.... the "cancer period". AND would you like to know WHY this period of time is known as the "cancer period"?

(at which point the tension for the punchline is usually quite palpable)

"Because we have...... TUMOR!" (as I hold up two fingers).

This is usually followed by shouts to "GET OUT!" and threats of violence against my person. hehehe

And the NEXT time, when I start warning that "The Joke" is coming, most of these groan "Oh god... no...." and helps set it up for the next poor bunch of folks who haven't yet heard it. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsaacEiland-Hall
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2017
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Bike shop

I was visiting a friend in Copenhagen, Denmark. As we were having a walk, a shop piqued my interest with the name Loke (which I assumed was one way to spell Loki's name, the Norse God of mischief).

Me: What's that shop over there? Friend: That? It's a bike shop. Me: for Bikings?

Groans and threats to be thrown off the nearby bridge were made.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/asatiir
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2017
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Two from my daughter

SAH Mom as she's standing up: My legs hurt. I don't know if they'll support me. Daughter: How could they support you? They don't even have a job.

I've started teaching the kids to play chess. Mom makes several lame mom jokes about being the "queen" in the game and in life. Later as Mom is watching us play:

Mom: Don't move there. The queen will get you. Daughter: Is that a threat?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/streakrunner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2015
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When asked the date, my friend answered, "July one"...

I asked, "so who lost?"

It was fun watching his face change expression as he tried to figure out what I meant, then the penny dropped, and he glared at me. There may have been threats that involved throwing objects at me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hackerific
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2015
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