Son: "Dad, did you see pictures of that guy at the Capitol stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium? That's domestic terrorism!"

Dad: "Wrong, son. He was just taking a political stand."

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did they send the physicist who was convicted of terrorism?

Quantumamo Bay.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keel_zuckerberg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A police officer stops a guy carrying a backpack on suspicion of terrorism.

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack.

The guy obliges.

In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been caught carrying weapons of math instruction!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know global warming is reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
If being cool was an act of terrorism then I'd be winning the Nobel Peace prize
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crispybacon62
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A recent study shows that global warming reduces terrorism.

Because the Isis melting.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SavageMonkey44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My barber is planning an ultimate terror, fright theme for his shop this Halloween

I bet it will be a hair razing experience.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rpdaca
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RodrigoOrtuno
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Who has eight guns and terrorizes the ocean?

Billy the squid

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pandacoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How do monsters like their chicken cooked?

Terror fried!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mike561991
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror"

So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".

πŸ‘︎ 207
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aid4n
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I live in genuine terror of boiling an egg and cracking it open to find a dead, boiled chick inside

No yolk

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnnoyingChef
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed...

...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.

My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"

She's going to be a great dad one day.

Edit: skipped a word

πŸ‘︎ 825
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftHandedToe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
🚨︎ report
A monster terrorized a village

He kept doing it ogre and ogre again

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsyaboilmaoooo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
There is a wizard who terrorizes libraries by ripping pages out of books...

His evil knows no bounds

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Otherbrotherguy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Terrorizing friends with ice fishing puns
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I just woke up from a dream where I was being terrorized by a feral female horse every evening

It was a real recurring night mare.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I was recently promoted on the supermarket security team to look out for people taking 11 items through the "10 items or less" checkout...

I am now a counter-terrorism officer.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/E420CDI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of this Italian terror group?

It's called "Al Fredo"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nadikarosuto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I, a feudal lord, have a piper so excellent his rivals drop their instruments in terror

He's my fief's fife foe fumbler

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jabonko
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Discussed the Orlando terror shootings in 2016, with my dad.

Dad: "Was it ISIS? I thought it was just some gun-nut!"

Me googeling: "Wikipedia says that ISIS took the blame, but that the governemt isn't certain that they were responsible."

Dad: "Oh, so it was IS-ish."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chronauer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
If we're going to fight the war on terror

...a good place to start would be our country's haunted houses

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mojo_magnifico
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2015
🚨︎ report
While in line for the Tower of Terror at Disney World...

A dad exiting the ride says to us "Hey guys, be careful! I think the elevator's broken."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
🚨︎ report
Nintendo puns are so bad m.imgur.com/fwu7nSl
πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClammyMantis488
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
🚨︎ report
My Dad drops this gem going through airport security.

Airport Security: Do you have anything sharp on you?

Dad: Yes, my brain.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mvpking
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?

Because it was a terror-byte.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g1aurung1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, β€œDeath to America!”

I think I might have terror wrists.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call linking up your watches to form a belt?

A complete waist of time.

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TuskenRaiders
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2017
🚨︎ report
How does an ISIS member tell time?

With a terror-wristwatch

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Psycho_Hobbit
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
The look on my wife's face was priceless.

My 5 year old stepson was sitting next to my wife on the couch, and a devious idea crossed mind. I called the boy over after a quick Googling and showed him the product of my search. He asked what it was, and I promptly told him they were boobies. I looked at the wife in time to see this amazing look of terror wash over her face. Still shocked, he says, "Hey Momma, want to see some boobies?" He grabs my tablet and shows her a picture of the most beautiful, soft looking blue footed boobies I could find. Her initial shock quickly turned to laughter and I was satisfied.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusRXI09
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Finally, the thunderstorm cleared.

It’s rain of terror was over.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedditingDino
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
How much information can a skeleton fit into his hard drive?

One terror-byte

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoyTheShip
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call dangerous precipitation?

A rein of terror.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deathstrokejt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
A classic groaner

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied:

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

πŸ‘︎ 965
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hometown45
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2013
🚨︎ report
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa; not screaming in terror like the passengers in the car he was driving.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clelwell
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 618
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhotosNMotion41
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
When I die I want it to be in my sleep, just like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like the other 3 people in the car

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BATHTUBISREAL
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to die like my grandpa, peacefully in my sleep

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slvrdiver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
When I die, I want to go out in my sleep like my Grandpa.

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scathyr
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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