Tavern Puns

A crowbar

His stage name "Diss-Bard"

Too much of an Inn joke.

He walks over to the bar and sits down with a heavy sigh.

Bartender: "Hey buddy, why the long fa-"

Pony: "Cut the shit. We've all heard that one. Glass of scotch. Warm. No ice."

The bartender hastily complies and the pony promptly downs it in a single shot.

Pony: "Ahhh I needed that."

Bartender: "Imagine so. You look like you've had a long day."

Pony: "Nah. I'm just a little hoarse."

It's also called the Vile Inn.

...that’s a really low bar.

I think I set the bar too high.

Good thing he set the bar so high.

Because of his many past failures with Bart-ending.

...bar nun.

A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl)

Let that sink inn!

Evidence shows that it was a crowbar

Bard: I take out my lute and start playing

Druid: I take out my flute and join in

Dm: rolls. Everybody loves it. (Paraphrased. Took much longer)

Me: Hey. Where did you keep the flute? Would you say maybe in the brim of your shoe? Like how some keep a knife in their boot? Please, just go with it

So the lute and the flute from the boot was a hoot

Waitress to my father: You get two sides with that.

Dad to the waitress: I'll have the left and the right, please.

A tavern exclusively for birds of the genus Corvus

Why can you take a bike to a tavern, but not a unicycle?

A unicycle can't handlebars.

Why couldn't the bicycle sneak up on the unicycle?

The unicycle knew him two wheel.

Why was the bicycle locked up?

He was a pedalphile.

The captain tells his crew to go out into the town and spend some well earned time off, but to be back at midnight. The crew all go into town and the captain stays in his quarters on the ship.

Midnight comes and the crew still aren't back, so the captain figures they'll all be at the tavern having a drink so he walks in and finds it empty. The captain approaches the bartender and says "YARR, have ye seen me Buccaneers?" , the bartender turn to him and says "YEAH, they're on the side of your buckin' head under yer buckin' hat!".

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

...for days, parched and exhausted. Eventually, he came across a small town and headed straight for the tavern. The string walked in, went up to the bar, and ordered a tall glass of water. The bartender looked at the string and said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." The string couldn't believe it, but was forced to leave. Outside, he asked a stranger for help. He said to the stranger, "Hey pal, could you help a string out? The bartender won't serve me, so I need a disguise. Could you twist me into a knot so it looks like I have a head?." The stranger obliged and offered to do even better, "Let me fray out your top a little so you have hair, too." With renewed confidence, the string goes back into the tavern and orders a glass of water. The bartender suspiciously asks, "Hey, aren't you that string from earlier?" The string replies, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

He went around collecting urine from taverns all around until he had huge vats of it. He boiled it down to try and get the gold from out of the liquid. When he has it all boiled away, he looks at what he has and realizes it isn't gold, but instead what we now know as phosphorus.

That's why phosphorus is on the periodic table under "P."

A story my dad just told me.

Because of his previous failures at Bart-ending.

strolls into a tavern.