Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.

All 3 said No!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chandan_2294
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
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My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..." reddit.com/r/dadjokes/com…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alextound
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
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My wife and I were high school sweethearts. We met in welding class.

Her and I really bonded.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2017
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Your shoes are on the wrong feet, sweetheart.

Miss 3: But dees are da only feet I have...?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrokkenFrepz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
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Real conversation with my 4-yr-old

My wife and I had just finished watching the Chipmunks movie with our 4-year-old son. This conversation soon followed:

Son: Is Feeadore real? Wife: No, he's not real, sweetheart. Son: Are there real chickmunks? Wife: Yes, there are. Son: Have you ever seen chickmunks? Wife: I sure have. Me: They're usually called nuns, though.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlberttheDodge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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My wife said to me, "am I getting fat?"

"No, sweetheart, you've been fat for years." I'll miss her.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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Daughter, 6, getting her hair brushed this morning: β€œDad, I need a new bum”

Me, eyebrow raised: β€œAnd why is that sweetheart?”

Her: β€œBecause mine has a crack in it!”

I actually laughed. I don’t really know where she heard the joke or if she even knows why it’s funny, but it’s a good start to the day.

Proud dad moment.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/azureal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. β€œWe had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

β€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
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My wife sighed, "Why does everything have to be a game with you?"

"An excellent question sweetheart!" I said. "But next time, please use the buzzer!"

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
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My daughter asked if I am going to die someday.

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

She looked relieved.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosmonk_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2015
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What’s a mouse-deer?

It’s a small rodent sweetheart.

topical dad joke

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reg890
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?

Dad: Nah sweetheart I got em all cut

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MotherFuckingTee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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Supermarket checkout girl didn't appreciate my humour

Her> Would you like me to pack?

Me> We've only just met. I didn't know you were leaving already.

πŸ‘︎ 227
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haggiskiwi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2014
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In preparation for my child on the way

My fiancee and I were eating dinner at IHOP and she made a comment about getting full.

I told her there was no need to stuff herself just because she is pregnant.

She said, No. I think I can finish my plate and I'll be fine."

I responded with, "Sweetheart, I don't recommend eating plates they aren't good for the baby."

Her eyes rolled so hard I thought for sure they'd fall out. Needless to say I can't wait to be a father.

πŸ‘︎ 472
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ucallurselfapoet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
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Family and I are at the country fair when daughter number 2 notices a cow being massaged.

Daughter #2: Dad you know why we shouldn't buy milk from that cow?

Me: "No sweetheart why"?

Daughter #2: "With a snicker". "Because it's spoiled"!

My wife: "Groan".

Daughter #3: "Mooooooooo".

Edit: Quotes as requested.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buddhaplayshockey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
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dad wanting to go to a concert

dad: "sweetheart, do you know Spanish singer Julio Iglesias? He said he wanted to have another concert soon, you know! "

mom: "My deaaar, if I say 'Julio', it is pronounced as 'Hulio'. Don't embarrassed me like that ... "

dad: "Ooo ... is that so, ...?"

mom: "Yes, dear. When will the concert be available? "

dad: "It was Hanuari, but it was postponed. Either its Hune or Huly. Lets Watch it! After that, I plan to hump together with him at his room, what do you think?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ander427
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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A guy walks into a bar and starts to hit on a preposition...

Guy asks, "From where did you arrive, sweetheart?"

She says, "Ahhh, you're sweet for putting me first."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holaquetaltio
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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At dinner...

Sitting around the table in a local restaurant the other night, I finally evolved to my final form.

My daughter, 5, kept dropping her garlic rolls on the floor and was getting really upset. I asked her if she was on fire, and the look from my wife told me that she knew what was coming. My two teenaged sons looked at me with the faces that I've seen a thousand times, yet never get tired of seeing.

"Sweetheart, are you on fire?"
"No, daddy."
"Well, I thought you were, because you can't stop drop'n rolls."

I got all rewards from this one. Groans, eye rolls, and of course I cracked myself up.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chefriley76
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2016
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My daughter was looking at her sleeping pet dog, Max, and asked, "Daddy, do dogs have dreams?"

"Of course they do, sweetheart," I replied, "When Max was a puppy he wanted to grow up to play shortstop for the New York Yankees!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
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Little sister asked my dad for a horse when she was younger. She wasn't amused with the reply

Sister: "Hey Dad, can I please have a horse for my birthday?"

Dad: "Sorry honey, don't have anywhere to put it."

Sister: Starts Crying "This is unfair, I never get what I want."

Dad: "C'mon now sweetheart, why the long-face?"

Sister: "STOP DAD! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!"

Dad: "Ok..ok..we'll get one. I'll go see if we can store it at the Neiigghhghbors house"

Dad proceeds to burst out laughing

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackcactuswes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2013
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WhereΒ΄s the Wizard of Oz?

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off saying......... "Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/janeybabygoboom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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A torch was passed from my father to me last weekend.

I grew up in Northern California and have visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium a few times as a kid.

Every. Goddam. Time. My dad would pause in front of the jellyfish tank and say "You kids think these are cool, wait till you see the peanut butter fish. Maybe they will make you a sandwich."

So on saturday my mom and dad accompanied me and my family there for the first time in years. When we got to the jellyfish I was ready, and beat my dad to the punch. My three year old thought I was serious of course, but my five year old daughter is pretty sharp and she called me out.

My dad leaned down and congratulated her for not being duped. He then said "Let's go check out the tuna tank." My daughter got excited and said "They have TUNA?!"

Grinning, my dad said "Yes sweetheart, and just like at Red Lobster, you get to pick which one you want and they will make you a sandwich."

The old man has still got it.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2015
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hunting dad

Dad:I can't wait for hunting season. Mom: You never shoot anything, I don't get you. Dad:Its just nice being outside and sometimes I look through the scope and almost pull the trigger. Mom:Of course you do honey you're such a cute wuss sometimes. Dad:Good thing for you I am Mom:Why'd you say that honey? Dad: Sometimes you're very deer to me sweetheart

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iforgotoops
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2016
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Well played, child. Well played.

Me (to 3 year old): Hi sweetheart!

Daughter: I'm not sweetheart, I'm [her name].

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mizhi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
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Fairy Tales

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlTebehalah
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2015
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Via my 3 year old this morning. I'm just so proud

"Alright sweetheart, Daddy's going to jump in the shower."

"Ok Daddy, make sure you jump really high!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rajahslife
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
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I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Ten years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.

All three said no.

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumb-reply
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. β€œWe had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

β€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

πŸ‘︎ 212
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
When a man's daughter turned 18 today, so he bought her a locket and put her picture in it.

As he gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, he said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on."

After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah," she replied, "…but I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked if I am going to die someday.

I said, "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said, "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
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My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2017
🚨︎ report

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