They were preparing for a wurst kΓ€se scenario
They're just getting ready for a really shitty week
Theyβre free of charge !
If it carries on like this, Iβm really going to start losing my Tempeh
And on the way back, my son and I tortillaed through three bags of family size Doritos.
We would have pointed fingers at one another, but they were already in our mouths. Sucky situation, I know.
I turned the car around and said, "Son, now our mission is snackfued."
Salty from our spell of bad luck, we licked our lips and hightailed it back to Walgreens. I sent a MSG to my wife to tell her about the crunch we were in.
Many of our guests had already arrived when we finally returned, holding up our carb-earned trophies.
It was then that my son's friend complimented our modest country estate: "Cool Ranch!"
...am I sockturnal?
Then one of the loaves falls off and hits my boss. Me: "Sorry. That was an attack with a breadly weapon."
"My hands are so cold I cant even feel them!"
I say
"HOW DO YA KNOW THEY ARE COLD, BUDDY?"
So I work at a grocery store. Last night I was refilling the milk case and one of the cute cashiers walks up to me and she said "Hey what are you doing?" in a sly tone. Without even a chance to blink while standing there with a gallon of milk in each hand I replied "Handling a pair of large jugs" She laughed, I laughed, the older lady standing near us looked offended... good times!
My coworker hollered "uh oh!"
I responded with a boisterous "YAM IT!"
I want to be a bouillonaire.
One day, I hope to be a bouillonaire!
but hindsight isn't 2021.
Now thatβs humerus
Investigator
What an Oxo moron
Business has been Brisk, baby!
They are preparing for a wurst kΓ€se scenario.
It's the Wurst-kΓ€se-scenario
I call it the "Al Gore Rhythm" method.
So my brother is super hard to buy for because my mom buys him EVERYTHING, literally. This kid has every toy, game console, video game, movie, funko pop, t-shirt, etc to ever exist. My sister and I decided to buy him chips for Christmas. I got jalapeno cheddar cheetos, a few snack bags of spicy chips, and a can of pringles. I'm going to wrap them individually and put them in a stocking. I would like to add a card with a pun or joke about chips to at least make this (admittedly low effort) gift funny.
He loves Tibet.
Because doing it yourself is a paste of wine.
Would you like a few shares of my hedge fund?
It was the count of Montyβs Crisco.
.. Somebody, somewhere, is rubbing their hands together.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
It makes cents for someone else
I am having an eggs essential crisis.
Itβs not her main present, just a stocking filler.
A typewriter.
It's just a stocking filler
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘Only while stocks last.
Turns out he's a short seller.
Unfortunately the supermarket was out of stock.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
I said βAt what?β
It's the Wurst KΓ€se scenario.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
The Wurst KΓ€se scenario has arrived.
Mostly beef, chicken, and vegetable.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
It turns into a laughing stock
This is called the Wurst-KΓ€se Scenario.
...that's humerus.
