Come to us when you’re stiff
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhr3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Mortician walks into a bar and asks for a stiff one...

Bartender says: "he's in booth six"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darksilverjesse
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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I went to America once and tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...

...so I had to faucet

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hideandsheep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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What is cute, stiff and mine?

Mastiff

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nikosshark
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
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A monastery decided to liven up their old clothes by tie-dying them, but the fabric became stiff and uncomfortable. When the Abbott asked a sister to explain, she gave a simple reply:

"Old habits dye hard".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tqtshesays
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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She made him stiff.
πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gehhhh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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The tree was complaining about waking up a little stiff. I guess you could say he had...

Morning wood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skididlydoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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What do you call it when a dead turtle goes stiff?

Rigor tortoise

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnosticpopsicle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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Why does Death always keep a stiff upper lip?

Because he has to Grim and bear it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CadenceQuandry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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What's the name of the Sith Lord with really stiff and sore joints?

Darth Ritis

Credit to my cousin for this one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelpchicken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
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My neck felt a little stiff so I popped it

Just then, I thought of this joke and chuckled to myself.

My friend asked me what was up.

I said, "Nothing. I just crack myself up sometimes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dantwz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2017
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What did the pharaoh do when he had a stiff back?

He went to the Cairo-practor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSTSPOH
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2016
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What Sith Lord immobilizes his victims instead of killing them?

Darth Ritis.

Edit: The Sith Lord of politeness, Darth anksalot.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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That came out really well
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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I overdosed on viagra once...

Hardest day of my life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/__teju
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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I had a Viagra last night and it got stuck in my throat

I woke up with a stiff neck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Pretty much speaks for itself
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Am-Sleep
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat

I’ve had a stiff neck all day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kapncrutch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What's your pleasure?".

He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phillydog1
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen.

The polices are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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If you want to be the best mortician...

you're going to face stiff competition

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ja-mez
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him that's the last thing I need.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brokebackk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2016
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My friend was addicted to eating frozen poultry

He quit cold turkey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Huardy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
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The wind made me had a boner today.

I guess you can call it a stiff breeze.

( credit to u/Ncrawler65 )

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeezBalls41
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
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Why can't men on Viagra dance?

Because they're stiff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KarateChop231
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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Got fired from the Mortuary, but I don't care

Hated working with a bunch of stiffs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elvezisdead
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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The lady who does my dermal fillers just died

I'm trying to keep a stiff upper lip, but this news makes it difficult, you know...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rogue-_-robot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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So a zombie walks into a bar

And orders a drink, the bartender says sure I've never seen a stiff drink before

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toolaroola12
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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Long one...

DEAR NEIGHBOUR: Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

2ND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doogsie125
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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A pail o' puns!

1. What is the most important drink in life?

Vitali-tea.

2. What do you call an uptight man with wet tapestry?

A wet blanket with a wet blanket.

3. Describe an uptight man with an erection holding an alcoholic beverage.

A stiff with a stiff with a stiff.

4. What do you call introverted window blinds?

A shutter-in.

5. What do you call an uncooked deer cookie?

Dat doe dough 'dough.

6. What do you call a plant's religion?

Agri-culture.

7. What do you call a football players' phone charger?

A Charger's phone charger.

8. What do you call a clock tower striking twelve?

High noon.

That's all I got.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StickDemonic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2016
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I have to work late in the office this Halloween, but at least my costume is taken care of

Because I'm a working stiff

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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My Hotel Experience

I was once staying at a hotel which had two lifts, one for the bottom half and one for the top. I was intrigued with the system and asked the manager about it, his response was a fairly terse one "no funny business here, take the lift like anyone else would" he said strictly.

During my stay I needed to get to the higher section of the building, leading me to use the top lift. However when I came to move it, it took quite the effort and persuasion to get it to shift. Once I'd fiddled around and pushed a few more buttons it slowly made it's way up.

It was at this point I realised the manager simply had a stiff upper lift.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CamelSandwich
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
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Some guy on the Bachelorette set me up on this one

Some of my family was watching the Bachelorette the other night and they were introducing some of the contestants and what their jobs are. One of the contestants was an erectile dysfunction specialist.

"Well that doesn't sound like a very hard job"

I cracked up at myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cawledgehawkey
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2016
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Viagra versus Cialis?

That’s a stiff competition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2018
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Have you heard the joke about the hearse that only carries midgets?

The delivery is always a little stiff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GodfatherDolfin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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I barely won the limbo contest!

There was stiff competition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drawsprocket
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Had a viagara pill get stuck in my throat

Gave me a stiff neck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stinksnots
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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[REQUEST] I'm looking for the best comeback to the old schoolyard joke, "Do you like seeeeee food?" While smacking and showing off the half chewed mouthful of lunchable they'd just choked down....

And I know most of you here can do better than my,

While stiff arming their face, "I don't wanna seeeeee yo food."

Do you get it? Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back... You get it right?

Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GingerHero
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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Regarding Iran's nuclear deal, John BOEHNER might face....

...some STIFF competition

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EternalPharoah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2015
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My GF came back from a therapeutic massage.

She told me the masseuse was "shocked at how stiff it was". I told her I have that too sometimes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evertak
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2015
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What do you get when you take your Viagra while eating beans?

A stiff wind

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Something_Syck
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad Joked the wife twice within a minute, quite pleased.

Wife: something about being hungry enough to eat her hand.

Me: So, you want finger foods?

As we're leaving the department store I point to the mannequins, "Psh, working stiffs"

She cracks up. Made me smile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrugalityPays
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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Did you hear about the guy that got the Viagra stuck in his throat?

He had a stiff neck for weeks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trenton00
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2016
🚨︎ report

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