The famed psychic and staple of late night TV Mrs. Cleo died recently.

She never saw it coming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xerleh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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What do you call it when someone assumes the staple crop of Japan?

Ricist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/extendedlead
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2017
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What's an American food staple?

Very unhygienic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KitchenParty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
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I said Cookout was one of a college kid's staples...

Dad said he heard it was one of their paper clips.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BEAVER_ATTACKS
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2015
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We grew up SO POOR I drank Nurse Pepper...

...she was an LPN.

We had a Don't Bother Checking account.

My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.

Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.

For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.

My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").

We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."

We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.

My pillow only had one side.

Repossession was 9/10 of the law.

Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.

Our scotch tape was scots-irish.

(I'm allowed)

My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.

One year Santa had to bring stockings.

The next year he filled them with nooses.

I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.

Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_YOUR_BLOOMERS
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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You shouldn't eat stationery.

It could become a staple of your diet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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Stumbled across an unforseen pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sam-Galloway
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Why did the baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

My dad told this joke to us growing up. It's a legit dad joke. As kids, we would roll our eyes. Now, I tell my kid. She rolled her eyes but I chuckle at it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ratadeacero
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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Dad joked my wife. She got me back.

Driving to the store with my wife, we had this conversation.

Her: "We just have to get milk, eggs, and some other staple foods."

Me: "Maybe that's why your stomach is always hurting..."

Her: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Because you eat staples!"

Her: "Yeah, gotta keep my shit together somehow."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/desearcher
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
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From my 10-year-old: Who is the dominant school supply?

The ruler.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Oh wait, sorry, this is more of an auntie joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BreakBye
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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β€œMay I have your finest scotch please?”, I asked the guy behind the counter.

β€œIt’s just a roll of tape, sir,” said the cashier at Staples.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2018
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Me: Hey honey, where can I buy some paperclips?

Her: Staples?

Me: No, paper clips.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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Man, this is a light stapler.

How would you go about stapling light?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coltshawks119
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
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My Professor is a professional Dad

So this joke needs a little context: I go to school at USC in South LA.

We were turning in our homework assignments and people kept turning them in with the edges folded instead of stapled. My professor looks at us and says "If you guys need staples, there is a staples center about a mile from here." We just stared back at him and then slowly all started to laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kreegrr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2016
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The force is strong with this one...

I have a four year old daughter and a two year old son. My daughter often complains (usually not too long after eating dinner) that she's hungry so lately I've been getting her with the staple "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad" line. Just today on our way back from the gym she complains that she's hungry again to which my son replies "Hi Hungwee!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bits_and_notes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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Got my boyfriend yesterday

He's been finding staples all through the house due to his brother working on some project. When he found some yesterday he exclaimed, "Why are these all over the house?!" I replied, "I don't know, I guess you could say they're... Household staples."

He threatened to leave me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/murphyoliver
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
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Does it get anymore dad than this?

There's a tribe in Africa that eats little pieces of metal as part of their diet.

It's called there staple diet....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xTheMerryman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2016
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My dad pulled these on me yesterday

So me and my sister were in the car with my dad talking about school. she mentions that her friend had stapled her hand and my dad goes "what was she afraid she'd loose it?". Later she was talking about a general knowledge quiz she had to do, one of the questions was how many people are on a rugby team and my dad responds with "all of them."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gambit_The_Epix
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
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Stationary zinger

Spouse: I'm out of staples. I didn't realize how often I used my stapler until I ran out.

Me: I guess you could say, they're a real staple...

Groans were had...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/couchparsnip
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2014
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Politicians and Guns

My apologies for this joke having a long lead up, but stay with me for a second and you'll understand. With the Ontario provincial elections having come and gone, it had reminded me of this getting dad joked by my uncle and a bit of underlying sarcasm that goes along with politics and the voting process. I was at my uncles farm and we were setting up for some target practice for my son and his buddy. My uncle says to me go into the shop there in the left front corner and grab one of those targets I have. As I execute my search for such item I see that they are old politic yard signs with paper targets stapled over top. I come out teasing my uncle that it looks like he's now supporting the green party, to which he reply's (queue dad joke).....

"Figured Id give 'em a shot"

Now let that sink in like I had too!

Damn he's good, and at age 78 Im totally impressed!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dontwanttosleep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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