It's a Cemer Tree.
Me: I wonder how the Lamborgini Aventador got it's name.
Cousin: Well look at it from the side
Me: Why?
Cousin: Well because there's a vent and a door
Daughter crying while I check her for the usual suspects (hungry, tired, dirty diaper) Wife: Did Layla poop? Me: No, just pee. Wife: Well would you like to sit in your own piss? Me: Depends.
How'd you find the car?
The family is watching a movie together, and a scene comes on with a boy standing on some train tracks using a plank and rock to pretend he's playing baseball. The following exchange occurred:
Me: "He shouldn't be playing on the tracks. He could get hurt." Dad: "He's training."
I love this man.
"Hey, I'm going to do some errands."
"Ok sounds good I'll be here"
"Do you know where I'm going to do those errands?"
"No, where?"
"At the Errand Space Museum" and then he did his patented Dad Fake Laugh and walked out the door.
God dammit
Me: "One of our suppliers is call Rich O'Nion"
Her: "I've heard he makes you cry..."
What happened when the red ship crashed into the blue ship?
They marooned
Why wouldn't the Egyptian fish admit he wasn't a shark?
Because he was in de-Nile.
This just happened in the kitchen.
"I don't always make eggs,
But when I do, I prefer Dos Eggies."
^^^^^^Dos_Equis=Dos_Eggys
Oh man, did I groan.
It was just a spring fling.
So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:
At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit — the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.
Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me — I’ve never been one to split hares
There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.
The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."
It’s called the Ikia.
(My dad just sprung this on me and god dang it its not bad. Sorry if it’s a repost, but I hope not)
It sprung a leek.
She enters a ward full of patients, and notices that they’re all dressed in street clothes and have no obvious sign of injury or illness. The Queen approaches a patient and greets him. The patient replies:
“My heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here, My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.”
The Queen is confused, but smiles and moves on to greet the next patient. The patient responds:
“Some hae meat an’ canna eat, And some wad eat tha’ want it, But we hae meat an’ we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit.”
Even more confused, and smiling even more broadly, the Queen moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant:
“My love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June; My love is like the melody that’s sweetly played in tune.”
Now very confused, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, “Is this a psychiatric ward?”
“No, Your Majesty,” replies the doctor. “This is the serious Burns unit.”
I went on a few dates with a girl who works at Macy's. We chat a lot and then she sprung a weird question on me. She said, "my boss thinks you're cute and wants your number. Should I give it to her?" I told her I'd prefer to keep dating her and not her boss, but if she just wanted to be friends, then she could give her my number, which she did.
When I told this story to my dad, he said, "you could date both of them at the same time and choose the most interesting one." I said, "that sounds like that could be a reality show" and without missing a beat he said, "yeah, it could be called Macy's Date Parade."
I lost my watch at a club. I thought I'd never find it, but I decided to try. Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it. The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this woman. When she made herself very clear that she didn't want "it," he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a woman. Not on my watch.
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Original post: http://www.reddit.com/r/standupshots/comments/2eju8x/timeout/
Recently, my mother started smelling a coolant leak from our refridgerator. She called the repair man and he started work. Several hours later, he had his diagnosis, and it wasn't good. The whole machine was going to need to be replaced. Just as he was finishing up, my dad walked in. My dad asked the repair man what the damages were, and he explained that the coolant intake had sprung a leak. The whole unit was sealed, and air was now getting in and contaminating the entire system. The repair costs of the fridge would be about the same as getting a new one. My dad just sighed and looked at his hands.
Dad: "It sucks." He looked at the repair man with a goofy grin on his face. The repair man thought for a moment before answering.
Repair man: "Yeah... it does suck." Then both men cracked up laughing.
My mom was busy trying to put contacts in and as she finally got them in, I sprung into action.
Me: What's the unfunny part of the eye?
Mom: The iris?
Cousin: The pupil?
Me: No, the cornea!
intense groaning
