Signature Puns

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

The Arctic Choke

Because the recipe said "First, take a leek..."

The waitress gave us our food and he started looking the pieces over really intently. He turned them all over and checked every side.

Waitress: is everything okay sir? Dad: No i think something's wrong with my chicken. (Looking at the pieces for a second time) Waitress: I'm sorry, what's wrong? Dad: I don't think they signed my chicken.

I lost it.

Happy Fathers day weekend!

His stage name is The Wizard of Awwws.

It's a split decision.

I said: "I am a giant fan!"

My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.

"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."

At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"

He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"

Must know: My name is Rick.

me: signing a passport (its literally just scribble)

dad: "it looks like a reading on the Richter scale, get it? A RICKter scale"

This was followed by me rolling my eyes and him rewarding himself with a few giggles.... Oh dad.

Whenever we were watching a movie and the bottom screen commented "Present Day" he would say. "Oh boy, it's Christmas!"

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. “What IS that?” “That’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, “That’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

It’s my signature move.

Me, being fed up with him always boasting, I asked," How could you even do that?"

With a smug smile plastered on his face, he replied," Thermal Signature."

That’s my signature move.

But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.

I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead.

It was my signature move.

Those who understand binary numbers, and those who don’t.

I was on my honeymoon last week, and my wife was getting Snow White's signature.

Snow White: Did you get her ring from Grumpy or Sleepy?

Me: Grumpy. I traded him a case of beer for it.

Snow White: Oh, Grumpy can't have that stuff. He's a miner.

Where are the Disney dad jokes?

I make fries at Wendy's and I always keep a pen in my pocket, well coworker A needs a pen, so coworker B asks if anyone has one. I say sure, you can use mine. Coworker B says "why do you have a pen? Why would you even need one over there?" I reply with "Well how else am I supposed to make my signature fries?" Both of them groaned.

Which makes it a perfectly common date.

Curiosity Rover carries Obama's signature to Mars:

http://i.imgur.com/afpXW8Z.jpg

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

The movie's signature line was "here's looking at ewe kid."

The latest Census form (In OZ) asks for a signature.

Me: It doesn't say who is to sign. Should it be the first person on the Census? The second person? Even your dog could sign it.

Dad: Well, that would be a poor signature!

I'm a cashier at -insert big name car dealership- while talking to customer, I got joked.

"I'm gonna need a couple signatures from you sir, right here, and here"

"But I've only got one signature..."

And all I could do was roll my eyes, shake my head and chuckle.

I work as a delivery driver for an industrial supply company, and today I was delivering some pylons to a client. I walked inside and found the nearest person to ask them for a verification signature for the delivery. I walked up to a man I recognized as the dad of one of my high school friends. He looked at me with a shit-eating grin and said "Where's the ice cream?" I looked at him, totally confused. "What?" I said. "Where's the ice cream?" he repeated. I stared at him with a blank look hoping he'd explain himself. Then he looked at the pylons I was delivering and said "Well, you brought the cones, so where's the ice cream?"

I was ringing out a son and father at the register. I tell him his total is "seven forty seven" and the father replies "I didn't buy a plane!" and looks at his son to get a quick laugh, but his son wasn't having any of it. Meanwhile, I'm trying to hold my laughter because i know this is a typical dad joke. But that's not the best part.

He swipes his credit card and reads the credit card reader out loud, "Sign Below". He ends up writing "BELOW" as his signature and says out loud to me and his son "It told me to sign 'Below' and so I did". His son responds with "Dad you are so embarrassing" and I'm chuckling out loud cuz I've never seen anyone do that the 3 years I've worked there lol

TL;DR Dad writes "Below" as his signature because he took it literally as any days would.

So I'm standing with my dad in the grocery line and he's paying with his credit card.

Cashier: May I have your signature sir? (To verify his credit identity).

Dad: Am I that famous?

It's my signature move.

It was my signature move.