The dispatcher replied, “So... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”
but then i say "no its a big one on his eye"
Beep repaired.
It was an axident
It was made from scratch.
I J K
Because of skyscrapers.
SalaaaaaaMIIIIIIIIII!
I've made my bed, I'm ready to lion it.
Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Rüdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "Rüdoff det røde", meaning "the red".
After years of wars, and regular battles, Rüdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.
One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but Rüdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars
"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.
He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:
Rüdoff The Red knows rain, dear.
I texted my girlfriend that I was done with her Valentine's Day Present early. She responds, "Damn, You're ahead!" Without hesitation, I answer "I have a body too!"
I hate myself. I am my father.
He comes home from the doc and we all have heard by this point but nobody says anything. He asks my bros and I to meet him in the back room. With a sigh he says "I think we need to address the elephant in the room." He then pulled out a small glass elephant from his pocket and said "okay, here it is."
It's totally full of Simba-lism.
"Bullshit! I've been using that stuff for years and...(looks at 13" scar across his stomach from whipple procedure to remove tumors, looks back at family for effect) oh... shit..."
Never lost his great attitude towards life, family, and people in general. Always quick with a joke/dad joke until the end.
I'll start with mine.
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If you eat the seeds of the watermelon, a watermelon plant will grow in your stomach.
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If you grow up in a foreign country your face will turn into one of a foreigner (as chinese immigrants to spain, my parents told me this to get me to go to school)
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My grandpa used to tell me that if I moved too much after eating the food would leak into my blood veins and I would die. Needless to say that scarred me for a long period of my infancy.
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My grandma, conversely, told me that if I slept face down I would crush my heart and die. Screw you, grandma...
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One of the most cruel lies was from my uncle, in which every time we heard police sirens, he would hurry and exclaim that the police was going after me for having too many toys... Made me scared of cops for a long time.
I was at an event where Bill Bryson was speaking and he told this story about his father.
We were going to the San Andres Fault and when we got there we were all taking in this incredible scar running across the landscape and my father suddenly throws a quarter into the fault. When we looked at him confused, he just said, "I've always strove to be generous to a fault."
Friend- if I saw someone get stabbed I would be scarred for life Me- I bet the guy that got stabbed is too
A fuzzball was caught in my hair Dad: What's that on your forehead? Me: (I brush back my bangs and say in a british accent) The Scar?
And then we both burst out laughing and my mom and brother both just rolled their eyes. Not really sure if this belongs here, I just wanted to share.
So my dad has this little mole thing right under his lip where he usually grows his soul patch. Today he went to the dermatologist to get it biopsied. I met up with him afterwards and we were discussing the fate of his mole and what might happen if he cuts it off. Me: "what if it leaves a scar?" Dad: "it's okay I'll just grow my soul patch again and cover it" Me: "but what if the hair doesn't grow back? What if it leaves a hole?" Dad: "then it'll be a hole patch" Me: groans for all of eternity
Was with the girlfriend and she was pointing out scars she had. When she pointed out one on her hand I started smacking a rhythm out on her hand. When she asked "What are you doing?" I simply replied: "I'm playing some ska!"
BEEP REPAIRED
