Little-known fact about Alexander Hamilton: he was prone to holding on to his old handkerchiefs, even when they became used and soiled.

Whenever asked about this, he would boldly proclaim that he β€œwas not throwing away his snot”.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hustler-Two
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I once dreamt I was taking a dump and woke up to find I soiled myself.

I thought "shit just got real".

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avidtomato
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Help! I soiled my pants!
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ma1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2018
🚨︎ report
A friend joked about the time he soiled himself

I've always liked his self-defecating sense of humor

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wein33
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I've suspected my Wife of adding extra soil to our garden, so I confronted her about it, but she just shrugged it off..

Hmm...the plot thickens

πŸ‘︎ 614
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the hardware store with a friend and the store had pallets of soil, seed, and fertilizer out front. We both stopped and looked at one of the pallets stacked high with bags of dried steer manure. The sign said, "Strict limit 2 per customer."

My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."

True story.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObiWanKaDaddy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife amazed that the price of the soil for her garden was 4.95/50lb bag

I told her thats dirt cheap

It just happened. I'm evolving

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiftedEnergy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
You can't plant flowers

if you haven't botany.

πŸ‘︎ 249
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I was assaulted with a bag of soil

But I can't go to the cops cause they got dirt on me.

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WA9ACE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My coworker told me a joke about Earth.

It was pretty terrable.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derpvboii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Been noticing weird things with my neighbor lately. No idea why he shovels soil from his side, into mine.

The plot thickens

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit_user9901
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s true
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cassadilly2012
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.

It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrEpicGamerMan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Garden pun
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farrukhsshah
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
It does doesn’t it πŸ€”
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dreamlandblues
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
NASA’s new rover, Insight, is supposed to tell us about Mars’ soil composition and about what’s underneath the surface of Mars..

So technically, Insight’s purpose is to give us insight about what’s not IN SIGHT

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RLU763
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to the library to get a book about soil

but they only have one copy, and it was already out on loam

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nsolarz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
So I my son started to bark at me

Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract. Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WisdomThingy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend didn't want me to carry in a heavy bag of soil while it was snowing.

"You'll slip and fall." She said.

I replied "Don't worry, the soil will keep me planted."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrangeKefka
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A chemist plants a seed

He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therderper123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I installed a secuity camera to keep an eye out and as I suspected, someone had been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
10 bags of soil for $15! That's dirt cheap!
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jason_Eli11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I was writing a story when I noticed that someone had added soil to my garden

β€œAnd so the plot thickens...”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chicken-littler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I grabbed a treebranch and threw it in the air.When it landed it lodged itself into the soil perpendicular to the ground.

I knew it would stick the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amotthejoker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I walked into my house after slipping and falling in my garden...

My son noticed that I had brown all over my shorts.

Son: β€œWhat happened, dad?”

Me: β€œWell, son, I appear to have soiled myself.”

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Bought my mother in law some potting soil at Walmart.

She asked how much it was. I said "Don't worry, it was dirt cheap."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jayoulean
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I work in a bar. Today a lady looked at our wine list, bad-mouthed the soil the grapes grew in, and tried to get us to discount her bill.

I said, "You pay full price, ma'am. We don't negotiate with terroirists."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lcblangdale
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
🚨︎ report
How can a DJ combat soil acidification?

Drop the Base!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
🚨︎ report
I had a dream where I was planting myself in a garden.

It felt so real, I actually soiled myself.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
As I suspected someone’s been adding soil to my garden

The plot thickens

πŸ‘︎ 311
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone has been sneaking into my garden and adding top soil...

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
For years I've suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden. When I asked her about it, she just shrugged.

The plot thickens...

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scootymcpuff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
🚨︎ report
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imawkwardtrash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
As I suspected, someone's been adding soil in my yard

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 706
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 209
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden

The plot thickens

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CtrlSodapop
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
As I suspected someone's been adding soil to my garden....

The plot thickens

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2018
🚨︎ report
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden...

The Plot Thickens

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The--Fonz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I just found out someone has been adding soil to my garden.....

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Synergy_synner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
🚨︎ report

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