It’s a timeless piece, really.
https://imgur.com/a/7MkkaPN
Germane
http://shirt.woot.com/offers/dad-joke-u
http://pvponline.com/comic/2014/10/01/involuntary-reflux
http://www.smbc-comics.com/?id=3473#comic
I just watched the movie "Airplane", and the more I think about it, the more I realize that It's packed with dad jokes. The smoking ticket, the "drinking problem"... It's basically dad jokes the movie.
[Redacted]
They 8-2 much
The judge ruled the evidence was all ear-relevant.
The cop says "Why weren't you braking back there?"
And the man replies "I'm wearing clean underwear."
The cop says "Why is that relevant?"
And the man says "Well, I don't wanna get any skidmarks."
But it's growing on me
A couple of nights ago my girlfriend and I spotted a white jackrabbit in the field near our house. We noticed one again tonight on our drive home:
Girlfriend: Hey look, it's the Easter bunny.
Me: Huh, pretty sure that's the same jackrabbit from the other night.
Girlfriend: Can't be a jackrabbit, its ears are way too small.
Me: We're clearly just splitting hares here, babe.
It took a second, but she responded with the desired groan and the "you're an idiot" face push-away. Victory.
My buddy and I were texting a few days ago. He was complaining about the power at his place being out again (relevant, he’s lost power a few times already this winter season). Our exchange went like this:
Him: How about electricity? Wind storm knocked ours out around noon.
Me: No electricity? That’s not shocking.
I couldn’t help myself.
Cashew
I understand my field to a degree
would she be Prague-nant?
Because he wanted quackers with his soup.
My partner doesn't like puns. He's French, I'm not, and I speak very little French. He's also a history nerd. All this is relevant.
Anyway, he was calling me a crazy cat lady.
Me: I'm not that bad. I mean, I'm not shooting them out of a crossbow or anything.
Him: Surely you mean a ... CAT-apult?
Me: No, no, no... A trebuCHAT.
To date, it's my proudest moment.
How have you hurt your loved ones with puns?
(Edited for formatting)
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
De-composing
I walked into the kitchen wearing a new orange t-shirt.
Me: I wasn't sure I'd look good in orange, but I really like this new shirt.
Dad: You know, I heard orange is the new black.
Me: That's a TV show.
Dad: Oh, that makes so much more sense.
I know this isn’t entirely relevant to the subreddit, but I’m not sure where else to ask. Can someone think of a pun to combine Christmas and Pirates, ideally one that could be used as a team name?
"Who doesn't enjoy boobs?" "They're alright." "No, half of them are left."
"He's been acting real depressed," explained the gardener. "He just lays in the garden day after day, letting out these really sad sighs... "
"I see," replied the vet. "What do you grow?"
"This season it's cantaloupe, but I don't see how that's relevant."
The vet nodded knowingly and replied, "Well, that explains it-- he's a Melon Collie."
Cantaloupe
(This joke is low hanging fruit, but I'll take it anyway.)
Dad walks about of the pantry holding an empty bottle of spice.
"We're almost out of thyme!"
Mom shakes her head, "he's been waiting years to say that."
My grandpa told me this joke; mind you, it was in the '90s, before all the computer tech became relevant.
Inventor runs to the patent office:
- I have a brand new machine idea!
- What does it do? - asked the official.
- You know how every man is tired of shaving every single morning? My shaving machine would be placed all over the city, for scruffy lads to just put their heads in the device, and in exchange for a quarter, it would shave their face for them! - replied the inventor.
- But Sir, every person's face has a different shape!
- ...At first!
They're big metal fans.
You know, for people looking to start Trans-Specific Partnerships.
I remember one time walking up his driveway while he was tinkering on his 2001 Buick Lesabre and I jokingly said "Grandpa, when are you going to get a viper?" He quickly replied "Oh I already have two!" Puzzled, I said "what?" he leaned over his hood and picked up two long plastic packages and showed them to me saying, "look! two vindshield vipers!"
Male friend of mine, [Elton], is bi, told me about a crush he had on a guy he'd met through wilderness backpacking (relevant), and how he doesn't think he has a chance. Having no other information and an IT guy's policy of checking the obvious things first, I asked the dumb questions, via text.
>Me: So you're sure he's into guys
>Elton: Y E S
>Me: Okay, okay, just getting that straight
>Elton: A N G E R Y
>Me: But yeah, given everything else you've told me, I think you've got a chance
Me: Presuming he also knows the lay of the land
Elton: N O
Elton: S T A H P
I don't know why he keeps coming to me for relationship advice.
Times Square!
I don't know how I feel about that.
Deer balls. They're under a buck!
Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!
Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.
Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.
Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".
I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!
I guess watching fat people in the park isn’t considered relevant job experience.
He was lecturing on the cranial nerves, which do pretty much everything for the head. They control all 5 senses and motor output as well as some other non relevant stuff.
Professor: So class does everyone remember what the senses are?
Class: touch/pain, sight, hearing/equilibrium, smell, taste.
Professor: Does anyone know what the sixth sense is?
Class: (thinking hes serious) Guess random shit like magnetoreception.
Professor: The sixth sense is the ability to see dead people.
Class: combination of groans and laughter
A heart-warming tale about a snake in the desert.
I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.
Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.
So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.
C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?
Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.
C: Do it
Fuck, he's one of these guys...
Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.
At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.
C: Do I have to use my real name?
PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY
Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.
C: Oh ok.
I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.
C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?
I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.
Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter
C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.
I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.
Oh that's an easy fix
Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.
C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"
Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.
I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.
**
... keep reading on reddit ➡I'm going to a quiz with my girlfriend's work in a couple of weeks and need to think of a name. I've been thinking for a while and can't think up anything original, but I also want it to be somehow relevant to her work - she works for a local city council here in the UK.
Any suggestions?
Two Snare Drums and a Cymbal fall down a well.....
Buh-Dum-Ching
My dad loves his puns.
Dad informs me his girlfriend finished fixing the grandfather clock by replacing a broken weight. Ends it with, "boy that sure is a weight off her shoulders."
Background: she's learning about magnets and how they stick together. She is also learning about anatomy. Finally, she has a two month old baby brother... all of these things are relevant.
She was playing with the magnets and put one next to her brother and says "He doesn't have stick, but he does have test-STICK-les"
It was her first proper dad joke.
Dad sent this one to me in an email about stocks this morning. Not sure about the relevance to stocks, but it's a dad joke:
A redhead and a blonde are talking.
The redhead says to the blonde, "I slept with a Brazilian!"
The blonde replies, "A Brazilian?! You Slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Relevant info: my mom is Christian, my dad is Jewish.
My dad loves to silently craft his dad jokes until the morning of any Christian holiday. He did not disappoint today.
Dad: I've been really popular on Facebook this morning. Me: Oh yeah? Dad: All of my friends have been commenting on my sleep patterns. [longish pause while he gets this gleeful-boyish look because of the confusion he can see on my face) Dad: They keep posting about how "He has risen!"
He's saying this to every member of our family, one-by-one, as we wake up.
Me: We have a short deadline, will you please help ensure this gets done on time for our client?
Subordinate: Alright, GenAric, I am going to be rushin' to get this done.
Me: Well, you can be Russian... I prefer to stay American.
Subordinate: Did I just get dad joked?
Me: grin
I own two cats, this is relevant. While getting ready for work this morning, I sneezed really hard. After blessing me, my dad goes "Y'know, I never knew that adage was true."
"Which one is that?" I ask.
"If you lay down with cats, you wake up with sneeze."
Some kind of superhero name for John F. Kennedy if he was a superhero. Bonus points for making it relevant to something he did as president. Even more bonus points for a supervillain name for Lee Harvey Oswald.
I hope this is the right place to make a request for a pun idea. If it isn't, I would appreciate point in the right direction.
Good luck!
I should preface this by saying this was on of the best dates I've ever been on, but the relationship also subsequently fell apart because of it.
Anyway, a few years ago, my girlfriend and I had been going out for a few months, and things were great. I met her through a mutual friend of mine at the hospital, weirdly enough. Our friend had gotten in a very bad accident and had to get a glass eye. He would always dab it with cotton to stop the bleeding at the beginning. Anyway, this is all relevant because my girlfriend (not girlfriend at the time) bonded over how disgusting our friends eye was. This got us to talking, and before you know it, we started going out. Things got pretty serious months and months down the line, and I was just laid off from my job. This meant that in general, we would go on cheaper dates. Nothing too drastic. Just like a movie and dinner instead of say the Opera and a fancy five star restaurant.
So, about a year and a half into the relationship, Joe, the mutual friend of ours, suggests a double date with us and his girlfriend. He knew the situation I was in and offered to pay for the whole thing. Great right? Well... no. I was actually planning on proposing to my girlfriend. Except Joe suggested the plans in front of my girlfriend too, so she accepted for both of us. I didn't want to propose to her on a double date, so I pulled her aside and told her to just skip the date and come over instead. Joe had bought us all tickets to a baseball game, and believe it or not, my girlfriend chose the baseball game instead of me. I stayed home alone as she went out with Joe and his girlfriend. Moral of the story is, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd been married a long time ago.
He said it was a Na-tural disaster.
I linked him here
Relevant link: http://abc7chicago.com/news/morton-salt-collapse-covers-cars-at-acura-dealership/455616/
This guy comes in all the time; he's a bit older, i'd wager around 70 or so, and he's always wearing these awesome bolo ties with sick button-down-shirts that have turtle patterns on them. None of this is relevant to the joke but i feel it necessary to at least give a bit of background.
Any way, he comes in, orders his pictures and when he came back to pick them up, he goes: "Hey, did I tell you what the hat said to the hat rack?" "Whaaa?" " 'Alight, you stay here, I'll go on a head' "
'Interactive lecture' in a Systems Engineering class (not that that's relevant) when the Assistant Professor starts directing questions to the students to move forward in the lecture material.
Settles on me and asks me a pretty straightforward question that I started overthinking and got all deer-in-the-headlight-y.
Fancies himself some sort of comedian so he quips "C'mon, I'm throwing you a softball (question)."
To this I come up with an immediate response: "I don't play softball."
I read the book for the first time this weekend and loved it. You don't need the context to get a good groan here.
“One could also say that my feet smell like guava fruit,” he said. “Just because one could say it doesn't mean it’s relevant.”
She laughed. “You’re incorrigible.” “Really? I thought I was in T’Telir. When did we move?”
My mother posted this on facebook this morning (has the relevant story of the pun).
http://imgur.com/IhcyhfC
My parents have 4 dogs (I suppose to replace the 4 boys that have up and left for adulthood) but it looks like my dad knows aren't going to sell one of their own up the river.
My parents are in their late 60s (this is relevant to the dad joke), and our whole family was visiting for the day for my sister's and my birthday. While my mom was trying to fill the coffee maker with water my dad asked her how many candles he'd need to total our combined ages. She started thinking about it and poured water all over the kitchen counter.
My dad went around the rest of the day telling everyone not to ask her any difficult questions because she can't concentrate and hold her water at the same time.
