A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then...
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Did you see the joke I posted recently about my spine?
I recently made a belt out of watches
It was a huge waist of time
Me and my friends recently started a space program.
Sadly, it didn’t take off
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
I was out with two friends recently. One of them asked if I can knot
Me: I cannot
Friend: ah so you can knot
Me: no I cannot knot
Friend: knot knot?
Other friend: who's there
I’ve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!
If you ask me, they’re cheapskates.
I’ve recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
She doesn’t know yet. But the thyme is cumin.
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
Unfortunately, my wife left me recently because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face...
(Adapted from a youtube comment)
Recently got a job as a waiter
It’s not great, but it puts food on the table
I recently broke up with my ex. She hated how bad at directions I am.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
My bed used to be on the floor but I recently bought a bed frame
I can honestly say the quality of my sleep is slightly above where it used to be
My doctor recently prescribed me some anti-gravity pills for my depression.
They have been extremely up lifting.
My child recently told me that their gender can't be expressed by an integer fraction,
I'm supportive but that just seems irrational.
I recently purchased a set of wind chimes.
So far it’s a pretty sound investment.
I recently gave a large sum of money to a corn farmer
It was a major stalk investment
Recently I took my family on a road trip, and we got a flat tire. When my daughter got out of the car to help, she almost got hit by a car.
Good thing she wasn't, that trip would've been short-lived.
I recently received a book with “do not read until the year 2030” written on the cover
But that’s a story for another time
I recently found out that in most schools nowadays ...
Brass instruments are band.
I’ve noticed recently that socks are costing less and less
Seems like the sock market has crashed
I recently bought a raincoat.
Whenever I put it on I get absolutely drenched.
A radiologist friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend Raymond...
My wife and I were recently hospitalized for very severe, persistent headaches. After a few hours of testing and waiting
I informed my wife that we had ourgrains
I’ve recently heard a rumor of a magical cow that can grant wishes
They say it’s legendairy.
I recently went to the mattress store to buy a new mattress.
The salesman pointed me to a bunch of different options. Ultimately I think I found one that I wanted but the cost was a bit much. I asked the salesman if I could sleep on it and he said yes.
There must have been a misunderstanding because a few minutes later he kicked me out of the store.
Recently read that IBS can be hereditary.
The FDA recently mandated that chocolate has to contain 12% cacao instead of the current 10%.
Looks like they're raising the chocolate bar.
A group of German geologists recently made an interesting discovery within a mountain range of northern Italy
The team unearthed a layer of rock tessellations resembling a violin as viewed from behind.
As of yet they have no name for this strata variance.
I tried learning brail recently..
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
One of my friends recently told me he’s bored and looking for a fun new hobby. I suggested getting involved in political protesting.
My wife started a tropical diet recently.
There's so much stuff in the house it would make a mango crazy.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store
They gave me another one, free of charge
I recently tried on some new shoes and I told the salesman they felt a bit snug. He told me to try pulling the tongue.
“OK,” I said, “buth I don’th know how thith will helpth”
My friend recently told me a joke about Helium
Did you guys hear about the tornado that hit a cheese shop recently?
Did you hear there was a photo store robbed recently? They caught the robber, but he says he was framed.
Recently I lost my little Corgi. I haven’t been able to find him.
I guess he went incorgnito.
Recently revived my desire to watch Viking shows.
My interest was Bjorn again.
Hate this pun? I have no reNorse.
Thor-ry (Not Thor-ry).
A recently separated man walks into a bar and says
"I'll have a marriage on the rocks"
I recently got a job making roads, it's boring as
I recently bought a manual on philosophy
But Immanuel Kant explain it properly.
I recently tried to stop eating deli meats.
But it was hard quitting cold turkey.
The creator of Paper Mario was recently playing a game of poker.
He didn’t have enough to wager, so he was forced to fold.
I recently encountered a grass snake.
He told me lots of bad things about grass.
I’ve been trying to sell my vacuum recently
All it’s been doing is collecting dust
I recently talked about a John Cena joke with my sister, but she didn't seem to understand the joke, so I started to explain to her who John Cena is. She then asked me whether or not I seriously think that she doesn't know who John Cena is. I then told her:
"Well, I just thought you might have never seen him before."
I got a new style of haircut recently,
after debating whether or not to keep it, I realised that my hair was growing on me.
I have noticed recently that my son keeps breaking into hives.
I have no idea why he hates bees so much.
I recently did a joke about a suicide bomber not having a return ticket
I've been practicing one-armed pushups recently,
I'm so good now I can do them two at a time.
I've been getting into a lot of trouble at school recently, so my dad asked to have a word in private
He turned to me and said, "Parwiovradte."
Some thieves recently made off with a bunch of sheep by riding them away.
Be careful, I herd they were on the lamb.
My teammates called me a cheater in a game recently and I was like:
I'm no cheetah, you're lion
Someone recently told me being $30,000 dollars in credit card debt was a bad thing.
If it is such a bad thing, why does my bank say "outstanding balance" below it?
So I bought a large mammal repellant spray recently, and I absolutely cannot stand the smell!
I was recently arrested due to my insomnia
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero...
Recently i had a heart transplant
That fabulous doctor was pulling on my heart strings
I recently posted a video on Facebook of bumblebees sneaking up on people and scaring them and was immediately banned.
Apparently you’re not allowed to post boo bees
I was recently hired by aliens.
I am in my probe-ationary period.
I recently bought a vibrator
Figured I'd shake things up.
I recently bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
Not sure what he laced them with but i have been tripping all day.
I recently misplaced some of my game pieces for Yahtzee, and honestly it’s been hell, so I decided to make some posters to put up around the apartment complex:
Pollution has gotten so much better recently
that I can finally see John Cena
I recently found out the medical name for Viagra
My daughter has been particularly moody and lonely recently...
Perhaps it’s because she’s a quaranteen.
Recently went to a steak eating competition.
There was a lot of beef between the competitors.
I was recently promoted on the supermarket security team to look out for people taking 11 items through the "10 items or less" checkout...
I am now a counter-terrorism officer.
My personal driver has died recently
Guess I'll have to update the driver
I recently asked out a blind woman
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
I recently made it to the front page and celebrated with this Punny post
I recently started a band called 999 megabytes.
We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet.
I haven't heard anything from Lara Croft recently.
She's really gone off the raider.
Dr Seuss was recently convicted for shoving a man on to a mountain of corn, and stomping him to death, then shooting him twice, all while wearing women’s clothes.
sadly this is the 3rd case this week of a pop pop crop-top crop top pop hop
My wife’s sister came to visit us recently
It was my wife’s 50th birthday so I took everyone to McDonalds. My wife said I’m officially the cheapest man alive but I’m not buying it.
A postal worker was recently fired from his part time job at the zoo.
He refused to address the elephant in the room.
I recently poured concrete for the foundation of a house.
So i've been dating this window recently...
And I love his honesty!He's really transparent.
My son recently got an entry-level job where I work. I'm so proud of him!
I tip him occasionally when he hails cabs for me.
My friend recently got a PhD in Pharmacology
I asked him if he is now called a Doctor of Pillosophy.
Recently I’ve been collecting cans in the park and crushing them down to save space.
My wife insists I need to find a hobby that’s not soda pressing
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
I recently went to a joke bar with a couple of friends...
Persons volunteer to tell jokes and whoever laughs has to pay $5. Since my friends and I were all lovers of quality humor, we accepted this challenge.
The guy proceeds to tell his joke and I've never laughed so hard in my life, my friends had tears in their eyes as well, from this clever witty joke.
We all proceed to grab our cash and pay him to which he replied:
"Don't worry about it guys, the joke's on me"
I gave him my wallet.
I recently took an airline to court after my luggage didn’t turn up...
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spices…
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack....
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin...
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