Presence Puns

I said “That’s naan-sense!”

Down for the count

Would he be the Wolf who cried Boy?

That's what Santa said

For context; I work in IT and I show up to a users computer that he claimed would not "work." When I witness it working I said to him "I guess its just my presence" the user replied with "That's what Santa said"

Because they're miss taken.

He said "Whatever means necessary." I answered "No it doesn't."

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

Man, I knew my presence wasn’t exactly electrifying, but you don’t have to be a dick about it.

e: this actually happened this morning, the power is still out right now, still got over half charge on my phone but no idea if I’ll be able to charge it later...

Neil Degrasse Tyson: Your presence makes my dopamine and oxytocin levels higher too.

Japanese Mathematician: "Acknowledge my presence, zero"

Me: "Can you elaborate in mathematical terms?"

Japanese Mathematician: "Notice me sin(pi)"

I greeted everyone like this:

"We thank you for all your presence here today. We especially thank you for all of your presents here today."

My fiancée groaned, my mom sighed, and I got blank stares from all of the women, but the men- the men all chuckled!

My girlfriend and I were visiting her mother for the holidays. She's a sweet li'l ol' church lady, and my gf & I were expecting to have an evening to ourselves while she went to choir practice -- until she got a call from the musical director saying he was sick, and that practice would be cancelled.

"Well," I said, "I guess her presence is no longer re-choired."

Told my boss that we were lucky to be in the presence of not one, but two versions of Old Gloria.

My brother, my roommate and I were sitting in our living room and hadn't said a thing to each other for about 2 hours.

Me: "Nobody has said anything to each other in like two hours."

Brother: "I guess we were just enjoying each other's presence, since presence is the greatest gift of all. HAHAHA."

She brain farted while we were talking and stuttered a couple times. Finally after I kept laughing she said "Im done talking in your presence" and I answered "What about my gifts?" The death stare was worth it.

... and he wanted to see where the presents from us (Me and my parents) were. My dad looked at him, outstretched his arms, and said "Here you are. Bask in our presence."

Me: how come all the eastern characters can sense a person's presence?

Dad: I don't know, but can they sense Christmas presents?

Upon seeing cows lying in a field:

Cousin, sister, myself (whoever unwittingly made the joke in his presence): "Oh look! Ground beef!"

Uncle: "Thank God it's not beef stroganoff..."

He felt his presence

Despite that I'm not a father, I'm told I have a fatherly presence and I do really love dad jokes... you might say I'm a faux Pa.

Because they don't want to give away their presence

It's good to give them your presence.