Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
Took me a minute I canβt lie
π︎ 78
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
π︎ 150
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
Wait a minute . . . . . . . . . .
π︎ 62
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every half hour.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering
π︎ 20k
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
Why was the man who removed 10 potato skins in 1 minute so attractive?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
My wife rang me at the pub and said, βIf youβre not home in 10 minutes, Iβm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.β I was home in 5 minutes.
Iβd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
A friend told me that the ball drop was a minute late
The ball was dropped at the ball drop.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
My Dad just said this one in the drive-thru not 2 minutes ago
First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')
My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
Itβs a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and itβs a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 166
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
A pinguin decided to cancel his wedding last minute.
I guess he got cold feet.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Give man a match and you'll keep him warm for a minute.
Set man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is highly overrated.
Itβs just a curd to me.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
The longest I've ever made love for is 1 hour, 2 minutes and 32 seconds...
... I love it when the clocks go forward!
π︎ 52
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
A minute ago my calculator was fine and now, mysteriously, it's not working.
Something just doesn't add up.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
One minute you're young and fun..
The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
Wait a minute
π︎ 117
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
I should've gone to bed at least 30 minutes ago...
But I suppose everybody's hindsight is 2020.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
This just happened like 2 minutes ago and my dad is creased at himself
My mam saw a channel on the telly called the Deja Vu channel so she asked my dad what it was.
He replied with βIβm not sure but I swear Iβve seen it beforeβ
Heβs now pissing himself laughing and mam doesnβt get it
π︎ 155
π
︎ Aug 17 2020
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500.
The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him
βThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.β
He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining βjingle bellsβ in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations..
βRudolphβ βFrosty the Snowmanβ βDrummer Boyβ even βI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clausβ in the best impersonations heβs ever heard!
The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β No no honey this works watchβ he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs.
βNO honey it really works watch!β
βIm going to bed, Merry Christmasβ says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs.
βWAIT Honey, one more time, please!β
He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out
βCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIREβ
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
1 minute when she turns 62
π︎ 462
π
︎ May 17 2020
Did you know being a minute is the most dangerous job on the planet?
Because every 60 seconds, a minute passes
π︎ 36
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
The inventor of Hard and Shoulders shampoo died. At the funeral, his wife gave a 20 minute moving eulogy...
There wasn't a dry scalp in the place!
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 06 2020
It took me 20 minutes to find the mollusk in my fish tank
It was very well clamoflaged
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, he will never be there on time.
π︎ 134
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
I spent the past few minutes throwing chickpeas at my cat's feet...
I used the beans to bean the beans.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
π︎ 51
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
Holed Up β Wait a minute
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
I took my wife to an orchard for her birthday and we stood there looking at the trees for about 30 minutes
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
My wifeβs 32 today but Iβm only allowed to celebrate my wifeβs birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
π︎ 87
π
︎ May 18 2020
Took me a minute...
π︎ 369
π
︎ Mar 01 2020
The meeting was at 8 and I was 10 minutes late, so I couldn't 8:10 the meeting.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 12 2020
A guy told me heβd give me $5 if I could tell him two things that hold water. I though for a minute then said....
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 20 2020
Haha ... wait a minute
π︎ 59
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
I give myself 30 minutes in my daily schedule to do abs.
I call that time period Crunch Time.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 25 2020
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 64
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
Itβs a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 123
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
Itβs just a curd to me.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Feb 23 2020
Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was.
π︎ 195
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
I was having dinner a few minutes ago, and I came to the conclusion that tofu is really overrated.
Itβs just a curd to me.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub...
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 15 2020
Itβs a five minute walk from my house to the pub. Itβs a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Oct 07 2019
It's a 5 minute walk to the bar, but a 35 minute walk home.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 06 2020
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