I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they're standing too.
A viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out his window one day
"Its going to rain soon" he said to his wife.
"How could you possibly know that?" She asked.
He simply replied,
"Because Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear."
If anyone is looking to have a custom ark built for them
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
I feel numb looking at odd numbers which makes me even number..
You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but my friend is a natural at remodeling kitchens.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce
I was just looking at my ceiling
Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
Looking for opinions, will trade for pasta dinner.
why do children have trouble looking at their parents after a gender change?
Because parents become Trans-parent
A sketchy looking guy rented six smoke machines from my shop, so I called the cops.
He must be part of some extreme mist group.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my Brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
My 16 year old son told me I was a simp (probably because I'm looking to get into a new relationship), after I looked up the meaning I told him:
You must be a Simpson then.
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500.
The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him
“This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.”
He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations..
“Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard!
The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs.
“NO honey it really works watch!”
“Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs.
“WAIT Honey, one more time, please!”
He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out
“CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
You know, I'm sure wherever my Dad is right now, he's looking down on me..
He's not dead by the way, just very condescending.
Most Americans are looking forward to December 2020 because Trump should be gone Biden.
Looking to learn a bit more about the foods we traditionally eat on Thanksgiving...
Can anyone recommend a good bog about cranberries?
A child in Egypt got separated from her mom in the crowd and was looking for her but got confused.
Because there were so many mummies.
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
I always know when my Indian flat bread is ready without looking.
Guess I'm a Naan prophet.
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
I was looking for danger but I couldn't find any.
Turns out safety search was on.
Good looking people are always busy
I could tell you why, but I'm busy right now
Theres 3.3 million people in here so I figured id go ahead and post that im looking for one night stand.
Matter of fact, make it 2. I need one for each lamp.
"I was looking at memes on reddit" - me
"Reddit?" - my dad
"Yea it's a website" - me
"Nah, that's a noice a frog makes" - my dad
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
A couple days ago i was looking at a fractal
Sadly i never got to see the end of it
What do you call two people looking at the same thing at different times?
I can always tell what I should have done as long as I'm looking at ketchup.
Yeah, you could say I have perfect Heinz-site
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best...
My friend fell down a flight of steps then started looking at me without breaking eye contact...
I'm not sure why he was stairing.
I heard that mixed race babies are really good looking.
So I enrolled both my kids in the hurdles and 100m sprint.
My boss was looking for me at work today. When he finally found me he asked where I had been, and I said
Good employees are hard to find nowadays
I was going crazy, looking around, trying to figure out who said "heads up"
And that's when it hit me...
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
What do you call a sea creature looking for something?
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman .............
A Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said
“It looks like it’s going to rain” his wife said how do you know?
He replied “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear....
I can always tell a person when they are lying, just by looking at them.
I can also tell when they are standing or sitting too.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
I can tell just by looking when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
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